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I dont know anymore

TW: Emptiness. existencial crisis, depression.

I Feel sad and empty. I feel like there is nothing there. I dont even feel like me sometimes. Is there such a thing as me? I keep living and I dont have many issues doing so right now. But I know it is not going to last forever.

I sometimes look back at the times when my life was relatively ok and than look at the things that came after. If I met my younger self and it asked me what awaits and if life was worth it I… what would I answer. Is there something that makes it all worth it. Yes bad experiences make us stronger but for what. What is the end game here. The weak and the strong will both end up dead in the end.

Living is far from enjoyable for the most part and some of it is downright terrible. I know my life may seem better that others. I am not poor. I have a loving family ( with some issues) I am depressed yes but I dont have other horrible ilnesses. Still if I could choose not to be born I wouldent.

I am asking why. What is this for. What makes this all worth it. Why am I living. The reason I keep living is not to hurt others, help people and my self preservation instinkt. But I feel like there is no happy ending to my life.

I am sorry if it was too depressing. I did not mean to bring anyone down and I am sorry if I did so.

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Hey.
It’s going to be okay friend <3
You’re not being too depressing at all, we understand. Life is hard, life hurts, and life can get really messy. We all have something to struggle with in this world, and it’s normal. We all get sick, we all get sad, and we all get tired and confused at life. But it will be okay <3

Sometimes we don’t feel like us because we overthink, best solution to that is rest. There is defiently such a thing as you though. It’s your awareness, and your consciousness. Even when the issues come, they get better. I promise you, for now just relax. Look at the sky, the stars never stop blinking, the world never stops turning, so why should you? ^~^

I understand how upsetting it is to think about back when it was quiet and peaceful, and to look forward and all you see is chaos and pain. But look to the future of that as well. You have a good life right now aside from your mental issues. I think the best things to answer in a situation like that, would be “be ready. Prepare yourself” at least for me. Sometimes I think I was able to get in touch with my younger self, because I have always had a little voice in the back of my mind, whether that was just Mori or maybe something else, warning me to avoid people and protect myself until after I graduated highschool. But. Being a curious kid, who all they wanted was love and comfort and validation, I stopped listening to that voice, and was eventually hurt.
But you know what? I wouldn’t have some of the people in my life who I cared about so much if I did avoid people. I would have never learned how to grow from hardships, I would have never wanted to start helping people, I would have never matured to the person I am today. So, in a way, I wouldn’t change that.
Do you have a therapist to go to for your issues? It could help you a ton.
You know, I’m pretty glad you were born, otherwise I wouldn’t get to talk to you :3
Living is never easy I know, but trust me, you have a place in this world. You help others, you have a big heart and you want to see a good ending, even if you don’t realize it. Thinking there is no good ending in it’s own way, is giving yourself the idea that maybe there is one at all ^~^
You don’t have to have a horrible illness in life to struggle. Everyone in this world struggles, we are only human. So don’t beat yourself up about it. You are no less of a human than everyone else in this world <3

What makes it all worth it? Well, it’s whatever makes you happy. Whatever gives you that feeling of “Yes. This is peace.” Making your own reason to live.
Now, if you still can’t find a reason, then lets go way back.
Idk what exactly your family is like, but if your mom loves you, and she wanted to give birth to you, this is already permission for you to live out your life to the fullest. That is her showing you that she has given you a reason to live, she literally pushed you out of her body to prove it. She wants you to be here. She has already given you a purpose, she’s given you a head start, and that head start is that she wants you to live your best life. That’s what’s so great about moms (the good ones at least), they’re nurturing to the very end.
There is always some sort of good ending to life, it may be a long journey, but, at the end of the day, good endings don’t have to be at the end of your life. Good endings could also be in the moment, all the good times. As there is no perfect ending, the best we can wish for is at least a good day. Life will keep going forever and ever, and the end, is just basically our deadline.

I urge you to keep going, I am here for you if you ever need someone, we all are, whether that is my brothers, or this community <3

With love,
~System Irigiad

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Hi friend.
Thank you for responding. It has really helped me. I was having a bit of a crisis last night. I am a bit scared of the future. It feels like there is something bad coming. I cant stop the feeling. I am also having ongoing issues with my mother and that does not help. Trying to find a therapist right now but I just dont know. I just dont want to go somewhere only to discover that it is not for me and repeat the process. But I guess I have no other choice. I am trying to find happiness in life and you are one of the reasons I am still trying. Thank you for being here. :slightly_smiling_face:

How are you doing? I know it has been hard for you lately. Bad people and school among other things. I hope things are getting better on your end. I am here for you when you need me ok. You are not alone and I dont want you to feel like you are. Thank you again for everything. :wink:

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I just. Every night I have this. This feeling. I see what is ahead of me. I see me going to work, studying for university, buying gifts for christmas. I see it. This is going to be my life. I honestly just want to… I hate this. I see nothing. I see nothing to live for. I am trying to support people and tell them that life can get better because I know it can. It was horrible half a year ago. Now it is better. But does it ever get good.

@Systemofconfusion I know you have a lot of problems. A lot of terrible people in your life and mental health problems but you know what would make your life better. You know you want good friends, good school with people that care about your education, and you want to cut the people that hurt you out of your life. These are the things that you would like.

Me… I know the things that would make my life more bearable. And I know the things I should do. I know the things i can entertain myself with. But I cant imagine what would a good life looked like. I know my life is not bad but what makes it worth it. Even if I imagine the best case scenarios in my head I hear the voice in my head saying “yes but why go through it, is it worth it, wouldnt it be better to just dissapear”.

These thoughts came when something bad happends or when all the things are done for today but I dont feel like sleeping. I know i can handle things but why go on. I suppose the question I am asking is “Why is being alive supposed to be better than being dead.”

I am sorry. My mind is going “you should not ask this” but yes I am asking it! WHY!!! I am sorry. This has been my mind for a while now. Like three hours every day before i am too tired to stay awake. I am sorry.

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It does get good! You see it every night, it’s just the matter of reminding yourself in the morning that feeling. You’re supporting people, now you just got to support yourself too, ofc you may need a little help :3

You can imagine, if you know what would make it more bearable, then you already know the way to get to where you can imagine that good life. If the obstacles are easy to move through, why not make the jump?

If it’s because that voice in your head, well, it’s worth it because it will make you happy, your depression is twisting it’s words on you to make you think it isn’t. If all those good things in life are gonna happen, it’s going to be a happy experience. Your depression just wants to make you think it’s bad so you don’t give yourself a chance.

I know it’s hard to get out of tough spots when something bad happens, or when you’re alone with yourself. And I know it can be a struggle to remember your goal. That’s why it’s important to find at least one moment of peace in every day. Don’t even let your thoughts get to you. And I know that’s difficult to, as I write this I am literally zoning in and out of things I’m worried about happening. But it’s going to be okay. If you are able to handle things, that’s the biggest reason to keep pushing on.

Ohhhh I see! You know, Kio actually is having this same issue, though it’s a bit different. He’s having trouble seeing the reason to enjoy or be in the human world at all seeing the shit I go through. Though he helps, he just doesn’t know how I push through it the way I do. And since hes only sourrounded by innerworld stuff, the only things he’s seen in the outerworld were negative. And his issues origins are entirely different.

I’ll start by saying: if your depression is getting to be too much for you to the point you are questioning things like this every day, it may be in you best interest to consider medications. It’ll make the voice shutup for a good while, giving you enough time to move forwards in life and accomplish those goals your depression says aren’t worth it and prove that it is.

So, why is being alive supposed to be better than dead? Tbh, I think about this sometimes, and struggling with life for myself, it’s hard for me to answer. I don’t think I could answer it right now, but I can ask Syra to, he’s an Exity (a god) lol.

Syra: Life is defiently a struggle, but it’s a part of living. For the obvious reasons stated above, life is a huge part of my existence, as well as my purpose. For people here though, I understand how negative it can get.
There are many reasons that living is better, for example the things that make you happy, the things that make you feel whole, and the things that you accomplish.
In the spiritual sense, life is just energy, it’s what makes you thrive. So finding things filled with life is a nice energy to be around.
The people you meet can be a blessing, as they are fellow souls questioning the same things, looking for the same reassurance. And they find the answers in eachother. There are many more reasons. Life is beautiful, life isn’t consistent. Life can change, you can experience everything. Which is where it can go bad, but you have to remember the good in that. And to do that, you have to find what reminds you of the good. Maybe it’s the people you’re surrounded by, maybe it’s your hobbies, maybe it’s something simple like looking at the sky and the trees. Or a little trinket to remind you of the good times. There are many ways to remind yourself, some more strong than the others.
I’m sorry you feel this way. Xaii feels this way alot so it’s hard for him to remember his answer. One day he could answer this easily, another he can’t at all. This is one of those days. And when it comes to that, you need to find peace with yourself and rest. And I hope you have enough time for that.
There are alot of things I have to say when it comes to energy, and when it comes to the human world energy seems a bit, spiraled. But as that is a “beleif” here I cannot exactly explain it to you with as much ease as I do in my own world, as peace and life is something I highly value.

X: don’t feel bad for asking this question, I don’t blame you, as said before I ask it in my own words all the time. But yea, it’s a hard one to answer, because everyone’s veiw on life is different. In the end just make your own answer to that question, make your own reason to like living. To me it sounds like the depression is starting to get to you.

I’ll answer the previous post in a bit, I have been trying to relax all day lol but stress has still affected me, so my posts haven’t been as efficient.

~X. K. S.

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Thank you friend. Just thank you. It is half past 2 AM here and I think sleep is starting to get a grip on me. I will do this properly in the morning. For now just know that you are helping me a lot and I am very grateful for that. :slightly_smiling_face:

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It’s almost 8pm over here and I still haven’t decided what to eat for dinner lol
Have a good sleep! ^~^
Night friend.
-X

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Why do you think something bad is coming? Idk whats going on with you and your mom but she loves you doesn’t she? If not, I’m sorry about that.

I know it’s hard to find the right one, that’s why you gotta look for the ones that specialize in whatever you need or would like to look into, read the reviews, and make sure it covers for insurance. Findings all these that go together is difficult, but at least location isn’t as much of an issue anymore because of videocalls.

I really do hope you continue trying. You are an amazing person and you deserve happiness ^~^

Today we are doing okay, very tired, and worried about various things. We may have to look for a second job in the next few weeks and I’ll I wanted was one fecking week to not have to worry about that but my mom keeps barging in and telling me “You have to find a job stop lazing around” mind you, it’s only been like 3 days since I’ve officially dropped from school and those past 3 days I was helping take care of my sisters new baby (who doesn’t seem too greatful about it as always). My mother thinks taking a break and resting and recharging my mind = lazy and depressed. And that excessively cleaning, going places, and excersizing is rest. It drives me mad tbfh. Little does she know she is the one making me depressed by constantly bombarding me with this bs. I love her, but she does not listen to me and therefore it stresses me the fuck out for days on end.
That’s just life though.
Anyways we’re doing better other than that. I’m hoping things will be okay for you soon tho, I know how tough it is to be in that spot of thinking for days-weeks on end. It’s exaughsting. You aren’t alone either though. Remember that, keep going, I know you can do it ^~^
Please take care of yourself, know that you are loved :purple_heart:
-X

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Hi friend.
I am sorry you mum does not understand you. Mine does not either. I love her but sometimes I hate her. She has problems with alcohol and she is a completely different person when she is drunk. She can be blaming and judgemental and just mean as hell. That is why our relationship is complicated. To answer your question I fear the future because when there was a time in my life when things seemed ok there was something bad coming. Something that turned my life upside down. I fear it will happen again.

I am currently looking for a therapist and I think I will try one that seems ok. I think i am decided on that one. I am on antidepressant for the last couple of years but I am on new ones since my last relapse that was a few months ago. They help me but they also have some weird side effects. I am trying to keep busy for the most part but when I am alone and that episode of numbness starts it can get bad. I think if i werent on the pills these would be depressing episodes but instead i just feel numb. Mornings are better that nights. In the mornings I have a plan of what needs to be done but at night when i cant sleep and I have nothing else to do it can get weird.

Thank you for being there for me friend. I appreciate it. I am glad to know you. All of you :wink:. I just want to tell you that you are great because you help so many people. Dont beat yourself up ok. Take it at your own pace. Love yourself you desrve it. :slightly_smiling_face:

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I can see it coming up again. Fuck me. Why is my head like this. This is something worse tho. I just… ahhhh. sometimes I just want to cream. my head is on override. Why do I get triggered by stupid things. Ah. I still have some things that need to be done. I really need to ge to the therapist. There are things that I need to figure out and i cant do it on my own.

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Triggers are not stupid, friend. They just happened to be. And they can be literally anything! They act as trigger because it makes to your mind regarding your personal story. I understand your frustration though. You want peace. Not feeling like life is just a constant battlefield that forces you to be aware of each step you take.

I’m still proud of you for your willingness to look after a therapist. It’s definitely a good thing to do, even though the process of trying and seeing if they’re the right fit can be frustrating.

Would you like to share what’s triggering you. How are you feeling right now?

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I am calming down it is just. Again a stupid clickbait video on the internet. From now on i am going to watch only my subscribed channels. There was a time in mylife when I was really invested in philosophy and psychology. I am still invested in psychology but philosophy can be a bit triggering for me, especially when combined with politics and morals. I just. It is hard to explain. It is not like a feel strongly about sertain things even tho there are things I feel strongly about, it is more like other people having strong opinions. I think I should explain. My mind becomes a fricking shouting match. No matter what side I take I am wrong. It feels like I cant be right about anything and my mind becomes hyper critical of me and everything else.

Edit: I will give and example: I see an article about something bad happening in china and my mind goes “That is so wrong, people should not be treated like that. atc” but then it turns into " People are just flesh animals. They dont matter. You dont matter."… and it keeps on going

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That’s a pretty violent thought process! Although I think I can understand to some extent. I’ve always been into social sciences in general, but the more I was depressed, the less I could focus on existential debates and questions as it would only increase some kind of existential crisis that was already happening inside of me. Sometimes I can tell that I need to focus on simple things. A good old animation movie instead of a book about criminology for example. It was hard for me to accept that I was changing in that way, because a huge part of my heart and mind craves for things that make me think and challenge my thoughts! But the issue with philosophy is that it creates more questions and almost zero answer. It doesn’t give certainties, which can be overwhelming - on the top of feeling already overwhelmed!

Our mind can be already too focused on overthinking and being very self-conscious. It makes all the seriousness of the world more heavy, even if it’s also stimulating in some way. Though I guess it tends to feed some kind of nihilistic side of our brain!

All in all, it makes sense to feel that way. I’d have never been cautious of the things I read and watch if I hadn’t been depressed. It’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing as it gives us a direction in which we are safer. As the saying goes, triggers show us the places where we are not free yet. But also a curse because for many people like you and I, being intellectually stimulated is part of feeling ourselves.

Maybe, in the long run, you will manage to develop interests that are not as overwhelming or “serious”, who knows? I’ve been personally more and more interested in nature. I spend more time learning to identify species where I live, and many details about them! It’s fascinating, full of life, and inspiring. I’ve also been trying to learn more about techniques regarding some hobbies that I practice. It’s stimulating in a different way - a more practical one. I’m also more and more unable to read the news while before I would look in an almost accusating way my own sister who never read them either. At least, now I have to ask myself before if I feel okay for doing so. It’s just different.

Good job for your decision regarding your YT channels. I had to do the same with my own subs and lists on Netflix. 8) In the end, if it makes us taking care of ourselves… then it’s a win. :hrtlegolove:

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I cant express how much I relate to this. It is also new for me. I like to think about stuff but It can get me to places where I dont want to be. I like watching what is going on in the world and know what is going around but it is hardly ever pretty. I have found myself wanting to do more… I dont think lighthearted is the right word. Mindfriendly activities. Sometimes I am just chatting with friends and a topic comes up that i just dont want to talk about… like Afganistan. The suffering of the people there and the ignorance and selfishness of the people here kills me. So I try to avoid that but it can come out of nowhere.

BTW: I HATE watching the news.

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