i’m still christian, but on the fence. Thats not really what I want to talk about though. I grewup being taught that sex is bad outside of marriage, don’t watch porn, and don’t masturbate.
Ive watched porn since I was younger (could never seem to kick it) and at times Ive voice chatted with women online sexually. I always have this profound guilt afterwords though. I’m 26 at this point though. I want to not feel guilty about it. I want to be able to talk with people, actually lets be honest. I want to be able to talk with a woman about sexual stuff comfortably. What I like, what I don’t , porn, thoughts, whatever. I just want to be able to go “off the leash” for lack of a better word. I don’t know where to go to do that, I don’t know how to deal with the guilt even if I did.
THe back and forth nature of my current feelings is draining. I’ll put off being sexual cause I know the guilt is coming, then the top will blow and I’ll want to be super sexual and watch all the porn , edging cause I don’t want it to end, only to be extremely drained, guilty, and embaressed. Its frustrating and the cycle just keeps on going.
Im so tired and just wish I could actually have a verbal conversation with someone about this stuff
https://www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport < this is a brilliant place to start. HS have a partnership that allows you to get 7 days free counselling… You can call the counsellor you’re matched with so you can speak verbally. You’ll need to put in card details, but remove them before the end of the 7 days and you WON’T be charged… After the 7 day trial, they do offer financial aid if money is a struggle, where they can make it a bit cheaper for you… I’ve tried it myself, and it was amazing - the counsellor I had was amazing and incredibly helpful… 2 of the staff members from HS have been working with a counsellor from there for around 6 months now, and they also have found it super helpful.
I’m sorry that all of these things are happening. https://heartsupport.com/explore/ < here is a little bit on faith that might be helpful to you in understanding? There are A LOT of people that in your position, but, it’s whatever you believe. God’s love is unconditional.
I know you said you don’t want to talk about it, but, if you’re feeling guilt around these things, it’s to do with your Christian upbringing, and you still share that belief… I would suggest emailing Casey at [email protected] OR messaging Caseyscreamsback on discord. He is always open to talking about faith stuff and can maybe give you some advice… He’s a super nice guy, seriously one of the sweetest people I know and won’t judge you or shame you… or even [email protected] < he struggled with porn addiction and is also a follower of Christ. I’m sure he will also be willing to talk with you.
First I want to say welcome to the community, and I’m so glad you are here and part of this community. I want to remind you that you are loved and welcomed here despite whatever you are going through, and you are never alone, and specifically in this struggle you are not alone!
There’s two things I want to have you look at:
^^ These two things from Nate, one of the staff members here at heart support is what started me on my journey of healing and freedom from my addiction to pornography (that I’ve struggled with for going on three years now). So not only is this a reminder that you are not alone in your struggles, but also that we see you, and people in this heart support family struggle with this as well.
I feel like I’m stealing Nate’s thunder here, but a lot of the advice I’m giving you is the same advice he gave me. So here it goes, first you need to stop focusing on days clean from this and start desiring freedom. What this doesn’t mean is that you should continue to watch porn until you’re free from it, rather the desire for freedom from this addiction is what we should want and long for. “Recovery is a 2-5 year process with a miracle from God everyday.” I’ve heard this a million times and it’s so true, recovery is a process and is not going to happen overnight.
The next thing that’s been really helpful for me is journaling, I’m pretty sure this model came from the 12-Steps Program but I may be wrong. But most of the time when relapse occurs (with any addiction we go through these things), and it’s called the FASTER Scale
F- Forgetting Priorities
S- Speeding Up
T- Ticked Off
So in my time journaling I go through these things, and I journal these everyday whether I relapse or not. And see what got me to relapse, and if I don’t relapse what stopped me from relapsing that day. I hope that this is an encouragement to you. And I just want to remind you that you are not alone! I want to leave you with one of my favorite verses, and I hope that it encourages you!
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
The thing is, I can’t decide at this point if I believe this behavior is wrong or not. I know there is a strong bent on this site for it being considered wrong, but sometimes i Just want to talk about it without constantly being hit over the head with a “Don’t do it this is bad” attitude.