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I don't know how I feel


#1

What are these feelings? Why am I feeling this way?
I feel like I should be happy. My dad got discharged from the hospital today. That’s 2 days ahead of schedule. That’s great and all, but I feel no joy from it. I just feel empty. I feel like nothing I do matters. I could barely put on a smile today. I was able to do it, but it was for my grandma. She can’t deal with how I feel right now when she’s the one doing everything around the house. I feel like I can’t talk to my parents because they always push me away when I go to them with my mental health. It’s been more so now that my dad went through cancer and my mom is having problems with her thyroid. I want to go to the doctor and get a diagnosis if I need one. I want to have a reason behind the way I feel, but nobody will listen to me. If I start to take matters into my own hands then I’ll get told that I should’ve gone to my parents. It’s like “Um…hello? I did that and you pushed me away.”
While writing out this post I feel as if I might cry. As I’m writing out this post I’m having thoughts that are harmful and dangerous.
My mind was telling me “nobody will care if you…”, “if you go for a walk and never come back it wouldn’t matter.”
I know these are lies, but I somewhat believe them. I’ve only gone 2 days since I last felt like this. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone.
I don’t know what to do and I’m scared that if my parents ever decide to actually listen it might be too late.
I’m at the point where I’ve stopped trying to get my parents to listen since they obviously don’t want to. I try to explain depression and all to them because it may be that they just don’t understand, but if they just push me away why would I continue to try? I’m tired of trying to get people to listen and understand when all they do is make me feel like my feelings are wrong. I feel like I can’t go anywhere else. I feel like a lost cause.
Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe I should just go away.
If I did that I wouldn’t feel like this.
I’m lost. I can’t do this alone. My loved ones aren’t willing to listen so am I even worth it?
I don’t know guys.
I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a bother. I don’t want to be a burden, but I have nowhere else to go.
I’m sorry if that’s too much. I’m just tired of not being able to talk about this.


#2

Hey Sarah,

I can see you’re really hurting right now. It sounds like your feelings really haven’t been validated, which is incredibly hurtful especially when its those closest to you. Sometimes, people don’t react or become distant because they don’t know what to do or how to handle the information they are receiving. That by no means makes your feelings invalid though. You are most definitely NOT a burden. Your feelings matter. You matter. You are worthy of support through not just your highs, but your lows as well. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you can talk about this with your family. Unfortunately, not everyone will understand our struggles no matter how much we try to explain it to them. Again, that doesn’t make what you are going through any less real. All of that being said, I am so glad you have talked about this here. Know that your feelings are valid and even if it has only been 2 days since you last felt like this, that is 2 days! That means you can keep going and it can get better. We love you and we care!

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes


#3

Sarah,
You sound just like me. Hell, I’m going to post right after this, and it sounded along the lines of just what you typed. People are asses, even parents sometimes. I think I know how you feel, and so do most people on this site. If you need help, get that help. If you want to get better, get better.

I hope this post helped you
Jason