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I don't know how much longer I can do this

I’m honestly just so tired. I’ve been fighting depression and anxiety and self-harm for 6 years and I don’t see the end of it. I’m in my 20’s and I feel like such a failure for still dealing with this and for still self-harming and am so ashamed of my scars.
This past November I admitted myself into a psych hospital because I knew I was going to attempt. The hospital helped so much. They helped to give me more coping strategies and adjusted my medications. I had hope when I left, but now I’m just everything is back.
The suicidal thoughts and the wanting to hurt myself like it never ends.
I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to do. I haven’t been seeing a therapist and I know I should but just I cannot right now. It is just it is too much right now.
But like I have no one to talk to and just I don’t know I really don’t know how to not want to die.
I don’t see the point in anything if I’m always going to have these thoughts and I just I don’t know how to move forward.

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Same here, I can’t live anymore

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Please, keep going, both of you. I know it’s hard. We are here for you. Stay with us. I hope this will help you https://youtu.be/L33djEEMEE8

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@Kayla1 @andreadjune I’m sorry. I’m seriously so sorry. I’m not trying to make this about me, I swear, but this made me cry. It makes me cry because I realize how messed up the world is. I am so sorry you have to live in it. I’m so sorry that it’s painful. I’m so sorry that you feel like you don’t belong here. I’m sorry you feel unworthy of a future. I’m so sorry. I am so so sorry. I know what it feels like. Trust me, I’ve been there. I think about suicide so often nowadays, it’s become normal for me. It’s not normal! We deserve to be happy. I know we do. If we ever will be, that I don’t. I actually want to work in a psych hospital when I’m older, and I’ve been told that I’d make an amazing therapist. I’m not here to judge you, or feed you empty promises, but I promise I’m here for you, and I will do everything in my power to help you smile, even if it’s once a day, a week, or a month. Your smile is beautiful when it’s real. I know it seems impossible to keep going, but you’re here, and you’re a survivor of so much. I don’t really know if you’re crying or faking happiness right now, but just imagine. You could become the father to some amazing children someday, and you could help so much people through their own situations, and you could become the happiest person in the world. The point is, you could achieve so much if you just continue walking through hell. You HAVE to get out. One of my favorite things to tell myself is to stop waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and to go light that bitch myself. Because honestly, at the end of the day, you alone define your happiness and your value. Nobody can do that for you. I’ll be honest, when people tell me this stuff, I think it’s bullshit, and I cuss people out in my head because I refuse to accept that they can understand. No one really does. Nobody knows what’s inside you or me. Only we know why we do things in ways people think is messed up and how painful it is to carry when people make you feel bad for the decisions you make. Never make decisions based on other people’s feelings. Every decision you make should be benefiting you. I barely believe the words coming out of my own mouth and I don’t blame you if you think I’m cliche or an idiot, because I know I am. I’m both. But these things make me Ellen, and I’m proud of myself for getting this far. Your situation will probably get a lot worse before it starts to get any better, but you, are a fighter. I believe in you. Don’t let those pricks make you miserable enough to make you feel better off dead. Even if your whole life turns against you, I won’t. You have me on your side, no matter what. I choose to support you, and to accept every choice you make. Even if it hurts me, I’m choosing to say that your life has more value than a couple mistakes you have or will make. Keep going to that addiction if it eases the pain. People say cutting is bad, it helps. People say alcohol is horrible, but it helps you feel peace. Screw whatever people say, choose yourself and choose any path to healing, no matter how messed up it seems to the world. I’m here for you. I know I’m younger on several years, but please don’t let that be a barrier to your emotional state. I’m willing to give advice, and if you just need to talk or cry, I’ll just listen. I promise to never judge you. I will keep you in my prayers. We’re both in pain, but together our pain is beautiful. Hurt is our weapon. Feel free to reach out!

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