Hi to those of you who decides to read through my post. I have held back for a while to use the forum, mostly because I would rather be the strong one who helps, than acknowledge how bad I really am.
8 years ago, while living in another country, I started getting help. They talked about Bipolar disorder, but not until last year when I got back home, I was actually on paper diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.
As you can see, I have dealt with this for a while, and I have learned a lot about myself and my mental health, however the older I get, the harder I feel it is for me to deal with.
The hardest part is that I know that things will get better, I know that the things I think doesn’t have to be the truth, but rather feelings and emotions. I know that medication can help me and I know there are hope, but I at this point I don’t know if I have enough time until being fully on the dosis I need or until we find the right medication for me.
At this point I have been on new meds for 2 1/2 week. Not long I know, and it can affect things until ot works correctly. But lately my breakdowns has come more and more often, and seem to get worse and worse.
The uncontrollable thoughts, the headache coming from millions of thoughts at the same time, the hurt, the guilt, the sadness, the self doubt. All of it. It’s just too much.
For a long time I have mostly dealt with depression, which was tough, but lately I have dealt a lot with thus mixed state of depression and mania, and that is too much to handle. Honestly, I am not sure how much more I can take of this.
I know I can’t live with thus for the rest of my life. But at this point I’m not even sure if I can get through the next 7 weeks before I’m fully medicated.
I don’t want to go through these feelings anymore. Everything I do, I do out because I have to, not because I enjoy it. My life is a necessity rather then something I want to live and I don’t feel like I have the means to make it any different. I have to live up to what I an supposed to have and do.
People tell me I don’t have to stress about things or worry, but I don’t trust them, but I don’t trust them. So I do worry, I do pressure myself to live a “normal” life, even if my sickness might challenge that.
I live my life my everyday with anxiety, anxiety attacks, depression, Mania, suicidal thoughts, and blame myself for all of it.
And everyday it seems to get worse, for everyday I feel like I get closer to give up. Not because I want to, but because I can’t take it anymore.
People around me try to help, and they are saying all the things you are supposed to say “things will get better, the medication will work just give it time, you don’t have to be any certain way, you don’t have to worry about us” but it doesn’t change the feelings I go through. I can’t control them, and getting these things told just makes me feel more frustrated because I can’t feel this.
My mom asked me today what would make me feel better right now. And the only answer I could get to was, that I don’t see anything that will change the way I feel. And that right there, that scares me.
There is nothing in the world that I belive will make me feel any different.
I will get a couple of normal days again sure, but I will keep getting back to this. And I have nothing left to hold on to.
I am sad and I am exhausted, and yet I keep pressuring myself. I can’t stop doing that, but I also don’t know how long I can keep going.
I’m not sure what I want from the posts. Maybe just have it somewhere. I don’t know.
But thank you for reading this.