I don't know how much more I can take :(

Hi to those of you who decides to read through my post. I have held back for a while to use the forum, mostly because I would rather be the strong one who helps, than acknowledge how bad I really am.

8 years ago, while living in another country, I started getting help. They talked about Bipolar disorder, but not until last year when I got back home, I was actually on paper diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

As you can see, I have dealt with this for a while, and I have learned a lot about myself and my mental health, however the older I get, the harder I feel it is for me to deal with.

The hardest part is that I know that things will get better, I know that the things I think doesn’t have to be the truth, but rather feelings and emotions. I know that medication can help me and I know there are hope, but I at this point I don’t know if I have enough time until being fully on the dosis I need or until we find the right medication for me.
At this point I have been on new meds for 2 1/2 week. Not long I know, and it can affect things until ot works correctly. But lately my breakdowns has come more and more often, and seem to get worse and worse.

The uncontrollable thoughts, the headache coming from millions of thoughts at the same time, the hurt, the guilt, the sadness, the self doubt. All of it. It’s just too much.
For a long time I have mostly dealt with depression, which was tough, but lately I have dealt a lot with thus mixed state of depression and mania, and that is too much to handle. Honestly, I am not sure how much more I can take of this.
I know I can’t live with thus for the rest of my life. But at this point I’m not even sure if I can get through the next 7 weeks before I’m fully medicated.
I don’t want to go through these feelings anymore. Everything I do, I do out because I have to, not because I enjoy it. My life is a necessity rather then something I want to live and I don’t feel like I have the means to make it any different. I have to live up to what I an supposed to have and do.
People tell me I don’t have to stress about things or worry, but I don’t trust them, but I don’t trust them. So I do worry, I do pressure myself to live a “normal” life, even if my sickness might challenge that.

I live my life my everyday with anxiety, anxiety attacks, depression, Mania, suicidal thoughts, and blame myself for all of it.
And everyday it seems to get worse, for everyday I feel like I get closer to give up. Not because I want to, but because I can’t take it anymore.

People around me try to help, and they are saying all the things you are supposed to say “things will get better, the medication will work just give it time, you don’t have to be any certain way, you don’t have to worry about us” but it doesn’t change the feelings I go through. I can’t control them, and getting these things told just makes me feel more frustrated because I can’t feel this.

My mom asked me today what would make me feel better right now. And the only answer I could get to was, that I don’t see anything that will change the way I feel. And that right there, that scares me.

There is nothing in the world that I belive will make me feel any different.
I will get a couple of normal days again sure, but I will keep getting back to this. And I have nothing left to hold on to.

I am sad and I am exhausted, and yet I keep pressuring myself. I can’t stop doing that, but I also don’t know how long I can keep going.

I’m not sure what I want from the posts. Maybe just have it somewhere. I don’t know.

But thank you for reading this.

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Hello Kattelogger
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, I appreciate it :slightly_smiling_face:. You are going through a lot right now. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, bipolar. The pain must be immense. I am so sorry you are going through this :slightly_frowning_face:. You dont deserve this, any of it.

I think many of us can relate to this statement on some level. You are definitely not alone with this one. I am glad that you have chosen to reach out in the end :slightly_smiling_face:

Sometimes hope hurts. When there is no hope we know there is nothing that will help and nothing left to do but when there is hope we still care, we know that there is an alternative, we know we can endure this pain and that it might not be all for nothing. And even though it sounds really good, it is also very painful. There is pain in life. It is completely understandable how you feel. It hurts to have hope but the bigger the pain the bigger the relief. You know there is a very real chance this will get better. And let me tell you this, once it does, you will be so glad you got through these dark times :upside_down_face:.

The medication will help exponentionaly. At firts it might even make things worse but it will get better again. It does not go from 0-100 in the last week. It will start working more and more. Week after week. Day after day. You might start to feel it sooner then you think.

I know. That thought is scary. I feel the same when I am depressed. I feel like nothing in the world can make me happy, that nothing in the world can make this pain go away. But the pain did go away. It returns but it also goes away. I know I have felt genuine happiness before. i know I am capable of feeling it. I might not know how to make myself feel it but I know it is possible and I know it is possible for you too.

I want to show you something. It is a link to community resources. These were shared by people who were going through some rough times me included. They helped them go through them and I hope they will help you too :wink:. I really wish for this pain to go away so you can be happy again. Whenever you need support, we are here for you ok. Hang in there Kattelogger. Sending hugs :hugs:.

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Don’t look at 7 weeks. Instead, focus on this moment. Stay in the present, and what you can manage in the next hour or two. The anticipation of seven weeks of life sucking, will make it suck for sure. You are doing the right thing in reaching out here. You have done the right thing over and over, and that’s why you’ve not only survived, but have helped others.

It’s time to let yourself be helped, here and wherever else you can receive it.

Let your doctor know you’re having a hard time. My sister in law has been bipolar for 40 years. She’s accepted that medication changes and adjustments is how she’s managed for all these years.

Depression has a way to convince us we have no strength, but I guarantee you, that you have ample strength. It’s just that you’ve lost touch with it. If someone needed your strength, I’m pretty sure it would be there.

I think you also need a diversion, something that you find interesting or rewarding. That will make your difficulties more manageable.

There are many forms of happiness. Some believe it requires a great deal of elation. For others, it simply means peace. For some, it’s the ability to focus on a project, activity or art.

Do you like animals?

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Hi Ashwell,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read through and understand my post. All of what you say is correct, and I know that.
I just legit do not know if I will get to the point of more control and “happiness” before this becomes too much for me.
When I feel like I did yesterday, I can be in my own body and I can’t escape it. At the same time everything around me affects me, and that I can’t escape either. So the only thing I can do is just sit there alone, with my head hurting and feeling like it is going to explode, because all of the thoughts in my head uncontrollably running 100 miles an hour. Being nauseous but wanting to eat. It literally feels like I sit there while being consumed of darkness and dark monsters. And that feeling is where I only see death as an escape. At this point I go through these feelings at least once a week.
I went through it the whole weekend, and then again yesterday. And as said, the more it happens the harder it gets.
I know I should be optimistic, I know there might be hope out there. But the only thing I can think is that I can not keep taking these situations for the next 50 years. Yes medication might end up helping. But this has come to stay. It will always be a part of me. And at some level I also feel like taking medication will just be putting it under rhe rug (don’t get me wrong), but this is me. The person I am without medication, is me. The medication is supposed to help me get to a better place. But then it is the medication controlling that. Not me. I will still be the sad person who just have medication to mask it. I know it might not make sense at all. I just. I’m just tired really.

I don’t live for hope anymore. I live until I don’t. I have given up on trying too hard. My mind has gone to “if it happens it happens”

Well sometimes I even want to quit my job, and when I can’t pay my rent anymore I will get kicked out. And then be on the streets abs then won’t have money to eat, and then it will get to a point where I can’t survive anyway.

I’m sorry my answer isn’t more optimistic. I do appreciate everything you said though

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Hi wings,
Thanks.

I feel like staying in the present hurts even more. End the situations like yesterday, nit looking forward 7 weeks would have killed me. I feel like I know what you are saying, I just… can’t get there anymore. That’s the whole point , I know all of this and I know it is true, but I can’t get there in those situations. The darkness just takes over.

My doctor, family and therapists all know how I feel. I am very honest especially to my therapist about how I feel.
I just started in a “program” for newly diagnosed Bipolar people. So they specialize in Bipolar and I am sure it will get good. But again the “issue” isn’t of it will get better, the issue is if I survive until it does, you know?

I am happy to hear your sister has managed to love with it for so long. I truly am. That is strong and I know MANY people are loving with this and has a “normal ish” life. But I don’t feel that really helps me, because it is not the future that really is the issue at this point, it is now.

I think you are really right in needing a diversion. And I have had these. However I don’t find the happiness in most things anymore.

I do like dogs. I had a dog. I loved him more than anything and he kept me going for 4 years. He had to stay with my ex so now I am alone.
I want to get a New dog, because I know it would help me. However I don’t really have the money for it and my whole family is judging me for wanting a dog and keeps doubting that I can take care of a dog…
Life is just too much at this point really. I’m fat, unattractive, alone, sad, poor and keeps doing everything for everyone else rather than my self. I’m 28 years old and has nothing going on. I only work because I need money, when I have money ot all goes to bills and debt. I use all my energy on getting through a day of work that I dont have energy for anything else when I get home. I cant keep friends because I can barely take care of myself. And my apartment is one big depression mess, and every time I start cleaning it up, when I am done it already has started all over.

Again I appreciate the time and effort you all put in this. I just can’t seem to really take it in

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I don’t agree. The person you are is a combination of your deepest feelings, the aspects of character you choose to nurture, and the choices you make, even those that include taking medication. The person without medication isn’t who you are. You are not your mental health symptoms, in the same way as having a flu doesn’t make you a flu. There’s much more to you than that.

We are whoever we choose to be, or are in the process of becoming. Additionally, every day of life experience imparts greater wisdom. Look back and ask yourself if you’re still the same person that you were last year. Therefore, it’s best not to identify with past disappointments. You aren’t that person any more, and going forward, you can make different choices.

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I’d like to say more, but I’m so sleepy, I’m barely holding my eyes open. Please stay in touch. I’m not sure if I can say anything helpful, but I’d like to know how you’re doing anyway.

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Thank you, i really needed the flu analogy.
I qm sorry if I make you feel that you can’t help I’m do really read and appreciate, I just have to be honest with my thoughts also. Not many understands. And most around me in real life doesn’t get that is is not about what is the truth but what I feel so the get annoyed with me or I get annoyed with them because no matter how hard I try to explain they always seems to not get it. And I don’t blame them it’s just not helpful.
I have tried explain to my mom so many times how bad I feel and that I self-harm and are suicidal. But everytime I talk to her about it after she keeps saying “I didn’t know it was that bad” like she doesn’t listen :woman_shrugging: I get it can be hard to take in as a mom so I can’t blame her for that either.
I can’t blame anyone for anything, so I end up blaming myself.

Get some sleep :heart: I do truly appreciate you taking the time to response. I am not sure if I need any solutions. I just need to talk I guess.

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If I could do whatever I wanted today. Just wish for something and get it, this is what I feel would make me happier:

  1. A new apartment, cheap, but where I can’t hear the neighbors all the time. So when I need to be alone I can actually feel like I am.

  2. A dog. I know I could take care and love a dog, and I know a dog could be the perfect emotional support for me. Having a dog would also give me a real reason for staying, you can’t explain to a dog why you are leaving, it is unconditional love and you have to get out in fresh air no matter how you feel.

  3. A new job, where I can give customer support, but not technical. Where I can work from home when I need too. And where I don’t have to be scared of getting fired because I have what I have.

I think these 3 things are what I have right now that I just really want to find. But at the same time feels so hard to get.

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I agree with the flu analogy @Wings used. It is pretty good. I am just gonna expand on it and say that things like being optimistic and hopeful are very hard when you are being depressed. In most cases depression=hopelessness. So dont blame yourself for the way you feel. It is mostly caused by the illness. It is common to feel like this when we are depressed. Try to be more forgiving to yourself ok :wink:. Its not you its the depression and you are fighting it. Every minute of a day. You are very strong Kattelogger :slightly_smiling_face:.

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Hi @Kattelogger

I see you’ve gotten lots of support from some awesome people here. I just have a question, because I can relate to you on a lot of what you’ve described about you. Do you have your manic mood swings up and down thru out the day or do you stay in an up or down mood for more than a couple days at a time?

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Thank you ashwell, i really appreciate it :heart: again i very much know that things are likely ti get better. It’s just really tough to get there.

I did have an appointment with yet another psychiatrist (doctor). This is the 3rd one I have talked to within the past year. So I got most of it out and we are making a plan together with the psychologist.
I got another medication I have to take together with the other one. So I will be on some mood stabilizing and something to help on the depression. I’m just tired at this point. But hopefully the new meds will work faster while I can slowly get up in the right dosis on the other one

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You are very strong Kattelogger. I am very proud of you for going forward because I know how hard it must be for you. I hope this new psychiatrist and the new medicine will help you overcome this. Sending hugs :hugs:

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Thank you for responding! I do know we have some similar things going on from talks in sway groups.

I have had many manic episodes before which could last from from anything between 1-2 weeks. And then depression for longer.
At this point the depression seems to overrule it all.
I do have beginnings on manic episodes, the thing is that my depression and self-doubt takes over, and it becomes this mixed thing instead. So I get the manic symptoms and urges and thoughts, but I will end up in a state that even if I can take over the world, I can’t. It is tough to explain. I have talked with both all the people I am in contact with.

I’m not sure if you are thinking that it maybe could be borderline instead. Because that question is normally what it leads to :sweat_smile: so I will just add that they have talked about that too. However with all the tests and talks and stuff, they have diagnosed me 3 times with Bipolar now, so they are focusing on that.

I did talk with my new therapist / psychologist the first time and went from there with the feeling that I was scared I had lied about everything maybe I didn’t have anything anyway. It was just this self doubt coming up that I am taking up a space from someone who actually needs it .
I talk with her about I Friday last week, and she told me that at this point it doesn’t really matter for me what I have, rather that I need help and are getting it. Then it is up to them to figure out what would be the best offers. And I do think she is right in that.

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Yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking, but if you’re manic episodes are lasting for more than a couple days and not changing from extreme up to extreme downs thru out the day, then yeah bi-polar sounds more like it. You could have some borderline traits however and still not be diagnosed. You can 4 of the 9 traits.

I’m glad you are getting help and I know 7 weeks seems like a lifetime, but if your meds end up working then it was worth the suffering right? This is only temporary. :rose:

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Thank you! I think at this point I will leave it to the doctors with the diagnosis. I guess the name of it doesn’t affect the way I feel.

And as I have said in every message really, I know it will get better when the right amount and right meds has been found. But when I feel like this I am just not sure how far I will get until it is too much.
I guess at this point, even when I smile or help others, I am just where I live until I don’t. And I don’t rely on surving this. But I am open for change, just afraid it won’t come until it is too late.
I don’t want to die. But my episodes of this mixed state is so hard on my and I feel no means how to stop it or get away from it and that’s when it is worse. And I am scared that one day it will just be enough.
I lose control and there are things I don’t remember when it happens. :confused:

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That happens to me. I’ll wake up in the morning and come check the forum and find a post I made that I don’t remember making. A couple of which have been deleted lol. For me its called dissociative amnesia and is a bpd trait. (not trying to diagnose you!!!) It’s frustrating, scary and mostly embarrassing. For some reason, it mostly happens at night too.

I really hope your meds work and your doctor can get the right therapy for you.

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