(English is not my first language… Sorry for typos and messed up sentences)
I think I make my own problems, because problems is what I am used to deal with… I just don’t know how to “accept” normal when I see it.
Ever since I was a kid my life has been a huge mess.
I grew up with three siblings - I was the second oldest… My dad was a drunk already back then and my mom kinda followed his habits in the weekends.
When I was 9 my dad called home after a big fight he had with my mom - He called to say goodbye to each of his four kids. I didn’t pick up the phone, as I thought he’d come home then… “He wont leave without saying goodbye to me”.
I was wrong… Soon after two police officers knocked on our door. My dad had tried to commit suicide but had failed to do so and now he was at the hospital.
I immediately took the blame on my shoulders - “If only I’d talked to him… I could have convinced him to come home!”… <-- 9 years old.
My parents divorced 4 years later. Me and my siblings were supposed to live with our mom. But i refused… I felt obligated to be there for my dad, after what happened earlier. I demanded to go live with him and my parents let me do it.
2 years later i was forcefully removed from him and placed on an orphanage. Part because of his drinking - But mostly due to the fact that I wasn’t fed… I lived in garbage and didn’t attend school because of bullying and the fact that I really didn’t fit in anywhere - I had no friends.
My mom wouldn’t take me in… She had enough with three teenagers in the house already.
When I was 21 I lived on my older brothers couch, because of a violent boyfriend I had at that time. My brother had an income and a good life. He was without a doubt my best friend.
One morning I woke up and didn’t understand why I havn’t heard him get ready for work. I walked in and found him lifeless on his bed, 23 years old. They never found the reason… His heart just stopped working in the middle of the night.
This broke me… I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life.
Today I’m 33 years old - 2 kids - No education - No steady income… The system keeps pulling in me. Telling me to do this and that. Telling me I should do this and this for the kids… Practically telling me to grow up - But I grew up at age 9.
I have a very hard time trusting people or even just accept a friendly face or a kind word. I don’t believe it… I don’t like people getting close enough for me to love them, cause then they get the power to hurt me as well.
I feel trapped in my own mind and I feel like no one will ever be able to understand.
My kids are my everything - I am here because of them. I’d never ever harm myself and hurt them. I want to move forward for them and for me… But I don’t know how to accept the help or accept “the normal”.
Sorry for the ramble and mess… It’s a very small amount of all that’s going on in my head.