A week ago, while talking to my friend L, she told me about having college interviews. I asked her what the rush was about then she reminded me that she graduates from our highschool in February, which is 2 months away…I thought it was early October even asked, “This is October, right?” apparently…it’s December because me and L are on a similar timeline to graduate. It made me realize I needed to check when I graduate, and after checking, I found out I have 1 year plus a few months left…not much time left. Because of my age when I graduate, the state I live in has specific requirements for both graduating high school and the state university accepting you. most of the requirements are “easy,” I say that because advanced devil math known as Algebra and Geometry is anything but “easy.”
Another requirement is at least 2 years or 5 credits of foreign language that is where my life has turned into an upside-down hellfire…my school has foreign language classes, but you must pay for them each costing 450 or 500 dollars per class each language requires 4 and Spanish requires 6 I don’t know how the credits work but somehow it adds up to 5 credits for both foreign language and Spanish classes.
…might sound confusing, so in math form…required foreign language class = 4 or 6 and each class costs 450 or 500 dollars per class, so take 2 foreign language classes, and that’s near or at 600 dollars and you would still need to take 2 more if you took Spanish that’s 4 more you can see how that’s very very expensive.
So I tried finding an alternative and found one…my school has some partnership with a college that allows us to be both highschool and college students. We can take college courses…while searching through the college course list. I found foreign language the course said “course materials and books costs at least 40 dollars” and college tuition 35 dollars per semester. I thought…okay, this is a lot cheaper than my high school foreign language classes. I can afford this!.. I was very wrong because the next day, I found out the course credits are 85 dollars each, and for 1 foreign language course, it has 5 credits…in math form.
40 dollars for course materials + 35 dollars tuition + 85 dollars per credit and course has 5 credits per class + 4 classes = How the fuck do people pay for college?! for 2 college foreign language classes. It would cost more than my 2 highschool foreign language classes…Yes, I know 1 college foreign language class would give me enough credits to pass the requirements…I don’t want to start learning a foreign language that I love only to give it up.
Yesterday I brought both options up to my family…1 high school foreign language class or 1 college foreign language class. They screamed in my face that we couldn’t afford a single class…then I told them it’s actually required because of everything. Hellfire rained down on me my dad yelled and screamed at the top of his lungs we couldn’t afford it my mom agreed to call the college with me and after they told her the full price of 1 class she started yelling…it got really bad and somehow got worse.
After my mom said, “we can afford it,” my dad yelled, “How?! (along with other words I don’t wish to repeat)” and while standing in front of her, she looked at me and said, “we will take it out of are savings” my heart stopped. My dad started yelling, screaming, and cursing even worse, my mom was yelling at him while telling me, “it’s okay we can afford it, you (me) have money in savings (…news to me)” they kept fighting while I was standing there crying. Then she suddenly said, “I have to look at the bills, okay? we need a car, electricity, a house”…listing off all the things we need to survive.
I ran out of the room crying and ran off to my office (where I do school work). While sitting on the couch crying my eyes out, I thought seriously hard about suicide cause we can’t afford 4 college courses. How the fuck in 1 year do I afford a full college with scholarships and loans…to understand it better, I asked my family for just 450 to 500 dollars. Then after mentioned that it was required courses, I basically needed the money. That’s when all hell broke loose and when my thoughts went to “…I graduate in at least 1 year I add in scholarship and loan money there still going to be a major amount I need to afford” and right now I have to live off my family.
I looked at everything around me, thinking if I could use it to kill myself. My options were a blanket or a long sleeve sweater I kept thinking and thinking of dying, so I started silently yelling, “stop…stop…stop…stop,” wanting the thoughts to go away…only for my dad to walk by my office door purposely. The office door is thin and can be heard through clearly everyone in my house knows that, and they knew I ran off to the office, so my dad did this on purpose. He said, “I guess we will take out our savings, and when we die, she’s going to have nothing to live off,” and my mom said, “(dad name) stop that! you know she can hear you”…he didn’t stop continued talking about how I’m going to be homeless and starve to death…
After making an exact point that we will be without savings, end up on the street, there going to die, and I will be homeless and starving to death. Still, oh, Moon will have graduated high school and had been an official college student and took a college course. Both of my parents walked away far enough. I couldn’t hear them anymore. Still, my suicidal thoughts got even worse after being told that somehow too scared to actually wrap a blanket or sweater around my neck and choke myself to death. I texted a suicidal hotline.
The person on there made me think of my art teacher and L, which made me calm myself off the edge of death, but I went on my social media and posted “I’m taking a break…bye-bye,” and I logged off my computer for the rest of the day missing my art teacher class.
Today when I woke up, I wanted/still want the world to swallow me up. I don’t know how to reach high school graduation and state college acceptance requirements now and when I think about my art teacher and L, I break down crying cause I know it’s not healthy to live for another person, but…there the only reason I didn’t die yesterday. I’ve recently avoided my art teacher class for the past 2 weeks (no bad reason…we just were not doing course work, so I kept skipping), and today I saw she put assignments up, meaning I have to go to her class and L is in there…
I break down crying thinking and thinking of facing/speaking to either of them, but I can’t avoid their class…if I do, then L, who knows my social media, will possibly (50% sure) tell my art teacher that yesterday I posted about taking a break from social media, but she (L) finds it strange cause all my posts were normal and mention that recently I sounded worried/scared about money for college in messages with L and if L reveals all that. Then she will call me when I don’t answer she’s going to call my mother and right now my house is raining hell. Getting my parents involved will make shit worse.
I’m scared about it because both my teacher and L worry a lot about me…but if I face/speak to them, I’m going to break down crying. I might end up revealing I almost killed myself yesterday…which would really get my hellish family involved and make things a worse hell. Still, I can’t act…normal around any of them. I can’t even act normal in any of my classes today. But if I skip everything, my school advisor will contact me, and excuses like “oh, I was sick today will be better Friday” are not going to work cause I’m not that type of student, and possibly L is going to tell my art teacher that stuff.
I don’t know how to be normal…go to class, talk to classmates, answer teacher questions. It feels impossible, but I have to do it, or possibly my hell will be a lot worse…but how can I act normal when I don’t know how to be normal right now.
I want to lay down on the floor and cry while someone holds me and tells me everything is going to be okay…not sit at my desk with tears running down my face typing out an essay for English and all my other assignments.
how do people cope with the after math of deciding to live instead of suicide?