I don't know how to be normal anymore

A week ago, while talking to my friend L, she told me about having college interviews. I asked her what the rush was about then she reminded me that she graduates from our highschool in February, which is 2 months away…I thought it was early October even asked, “This is October, right?” apparently…it’s December because me and L are on a similar timeline to graduate. It made me realize I needed to check when I graduate, and after checking, I found out I have 1 year plus a few months left…not much time left. Because of my age when I graduate, the state I live in has specific requirements for both graduating high school and the state university accepting you. most of the requirements are “easy,” I say that because advanced devil math known as Algebra and Geometry is anything but “easy.”

Another requirement is at least 2 years or 5 credits of foreign language that is where my life has turned into an upside-down hellfire…my school has foreign language classes, but you must pay for them each costing 450 or 500 dollars per class each language requires 4 and Spanish requires 6 I don’t know how the credits work but somehow it adds up to 5 credits for both foreign language and Spanish classes.

…might sound confusing, so in math form…required foreign language class = 4 or 6 and each class costs 450 or 500 dollars per class, so take 2 foreign language classes, and that’s near or at 600 dollars and you would still need to take 2 more if you took Spanish that’s 4 more you can see how that’s very very expensive.

So I tried finding an alternative and found one…my school has some partnership with a college that allows us to be both highschool and college students. We can take college courses…while searching through the college course list. I found foreign language the course said “course materials and books costs at least 40 dollars” and college tuition 35 dollars per semester. I thought…okay, this is a lot cheaper than my high school foreign language classes. I can afford this!.. I was very wrong because the next day, I found out the course credits are 85 dollars each, and for 1 foreign language course, it has 5 credits…in math form.

40 dollars for course materials + 35 dollars tuition + 85 dollars per credit and course has 5 credits per class + 4 classes = How the fuck do people pay for college?! for 2 college foreign language classes. It would cost more than my 2 highschool foreign language classes…Yes, I know 1 college foreign language class would give me enough credits to pass the requirements…I don’t want to start learning a foreign language that I love only to give it up.

Yesterday I brought both options up to my family…1 high school foreign language class or 1 college foreign language class. They screamed in my face that we couldn’t afford a single class…then I told them it’s actually required because of everything. Hellfire rained down on me my dad yelled and screamed at the top of his lungs we couldn’t afford it my mom agreed to call the college with me and after they told her the full price of 1 class she started yelling…it got really bad and somehow got worse.

After my mom said, “we can afford it,” my dad yelled, “How?! (along with other words I don’t wish to repeat)” and while standing in front of her, she looked at me and said, “we will take it out of are savings” my heart stopped. My dad started yelling, screaming, and cursing even worse, my mom was yelling at him while telling me, “it’s okay we can afford it, you (me) have money in savings (…news to me)” they kept fighting while I was standing there crying. Then she suddenly said, “I have to look at the bills, okay? we need a car, electricity, a house”…listing off all the things we need to survive.

I ran out of the room crying and ran off to my office (where I do school work). While sitting on the couch crying my eyes out, I thought seriously hard about suicide cause we can’t afford 4 college courses. How the fuck in 1 year do I afford a full college with scholarships and loans…to understand it better, I asked my family for just 450 to 500 dollars. Then after mentioned that it was required courses, I basically needed the money. That’s when all hell broke loose and when my thoughts went to “…I graduate in at least 1 year I add in scholarship and loan money there still going to be a major amount I need to afford” and right now I have to live off my family.

I looked at everything around me, thinking if I could use it to kill myself. My options were a blanket or a long sleeve sweater I kept thinking and thinking of dying, so I started silently yelling, “stop…stop…stop…stop,” wanting the thoughts to go away…only for my dad to walk by my office door purposely. The office door is thin and can be heard through clearly everyone in my house knows that, and they knew I ran off to the office, so my dad did this on purpose. He said, “I guess we will take out our savings, and when we die, she’s going to have nothing to live off,” and my mom said, “(dad name) stop that! you know she can hear you”…he didn’t stop continued talking about how I’m going to be homeless and starve to death…

After making an exact point that we will be without savings, end up on the street, there going to die, and I will be homeless and starving to death. Still, oh, Moon will have graduated high school and had been an official college student and took a college course. Both of my parents walked away far enough. I couldn’t hear them anymore. Still, my suicidal thoughts got even worse after being told that somehow too scared to actually wrap a blanket or sweater around my neck and choke myself to death. I texted a suicidal hotline.

The person on there made me think of my art teacher and L, which made me calm myself off the edge of death, but I went on my social media and posted “I’m taking a break…bye-bye,” and I logged off my computer for the rest of the day missing my art teacher class.

Today when I woke up, I wanted/still want the world to swallow me up. I don’t know how to reach high school graduation and state college acceptance requirements now and when I think about my art teacher and L, I break down crying cause I know it’s not healthy to live for another person, but…there the only reason I didn’t die yesterday. I’ve recently avoided my art teacher class for the past 2 weeks (no bad reason…we just were not doing course work, so I kept skipping), and today I saw she put assignments up, meaning I have to go to her class and L is in there…

I break down crying thinking and thinking of facing/speaking to either of them, but I can’t avoid their class…if I do, then L, who knows my social media, will possibly (50% sure) tell my art teacher that yesterday I posted about taking a break from social media, but she (L) finds it strange cause all my posts were normal and mention that recently I sounded worried/scared about money for college in messages with L and if L reveals all that. Then she will call me when I don’t answer she’s going to call my mother and right now my house is raining hell. Getting my parents involved will make shit worse.

I’m scared about it because both my teacher and L worry a lot about me…but if I face/speak to them, I’m going to break down crying. I might end up revealing I almost killed myself yesterday…which would really get my hellish family involved and make things a worse hell. Still, I can’t act…normal around any of them. I can’t even act normal in any of my classes today. But if I skip everything, my school advisor will contact me, and excuses like “oh, I was sick today will be better Friday” are not going to work cause I’m not that type of student, and possibly L is going to tell my art teacher that stuff.

I don’t know how to be normal…go to class, talk to classmates, answer teacher questions. It feels impossible, but I have to do it, or possibly my hell will be a lot worse…but how can I act normal when I don’t know how to be normal right now.

I want to lay down on the floor and cry while someone holds me and tells me everything is going to be okay…not sit at my desk with tears running down my face typing out an essay for English and all my other assignments.

how do people cope with the after math of deciding to live instead of suicide?

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First off, welcome to HeartSupport! You came to the right place.

Can you ask your school for financial assistance? I think it’s profoundly unfair and counterproductive to not be able to graduate because they’re charging you for classes. It makes a primary education a privilege for the wealthy. Do you go to public school? Your parents’ taxes should be paying for all that.

All around, what’s going on is not right. Your father screaming at you about these classes is not right because it’s not your fault. Maybe he’s scared and flustered and he’s responding by lashing out at everyone, but that still doesn’t make it okay. The only thing he can reasonably be angry at is the school, and after reading your post I’m angry at the school too. I understand colleges charging for credits because college is a choice, but high school is a basic requirement, and money issues shouldn’t get between you and your diploma.

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My high school does not offer financial assistance. The college does, and I asked…it’s 35 dollars per month on top of everything else, and that’s a set price; there no way to change it…does not even sound like financial assistance if you ask me because…you have at least 500 dollars at once then pay 35 per month for financial help…I asked, “how the hell is that helpful if you’re making me pay an extra 35 dollars every month?”… their answer was closing the chat…

Algebra is starting, so the rest of my reply will be slow

@SheetMetalHead My niece is a senior in a public high school and my sister complains a lot about how much some of the classes cost to get college credits- it’s not always that the class costs something in her school but they end up being required to buy the materials, like books, and it ends up being like a couple hundred bucks- apparently some public schools have changed in some aspects, in this way.

@Moon. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree with SheetMetalHead- It’s not right for your dad to be screaming at you. Money can be a very stressful thing to many people, but he still shouldn’t be screaming at you. It isn’t your fault that the classes are a requirement and cost so much money.

Is it possible for you to look for a part time job? Maybe offer to pay your parents back? Even if it’s just a couple of hours one day a week and you only made twenty bucks, you’d eventually get there. My other question is… Do you want to go to college? Because if you don’t, that’s ok and you don’t have to go. Many people don’t go to college, and they end up being fine.

If you do want to go to college, there are options. Like you said, there are loans. Most people do part time work while going to college to help pay for loans and life expenses. It’s hard, but there are lots of people who do it. You can look up government grants and see if there are any you qualify for, maybe even just apply for all of the ones you find to see if you get accepted. I don’t know how that process works, but there are a lot of grants out there that will help with college tuition, and you don’t have to pay that money back. You don’t have to start college right away. You can always take a year before hand to get a job and try to save some money. It may not feel like a lot of time, but don’t forget that you still have time to figure this out.

How do you cope with the aftermath of deciding to live? Well, from personal experience, I can tell you it’s hard, but you can do it. You take it one day at a time. You do one thing at a time. Push yourself on the days you feel better and let yourself rest on the days you don’t think you can go on. I know this will be hard for you with having to go to school, but maybe school is what will help you to keep going.

Try to remind yourself that there are people who care and would be devastated without you. Remind yourself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it doesn’t feel that way. One day you’ll be out of your parents home, and you’ll be on your own. The job and the bills that come with independence may cause stress, yes, but you won’t have to see your dad if you don’t want to, so you won’t have to be screamed at by him anymore. Remind yourself of all of the things you have to look forward to by living instead of dying- maybe you want kids or to travel or whatever. Think of something that you want and remind yourself that’s something you can look forward to living for.

If you feel like you can, go talk to the school counselor. Let them know that you need some help. Not just monetarily, but because of the way you’ve been feeling.

I hope you can figure out a plan on what you want to do.

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I agree and don’t understand because my other required classes like advance demon hell math aka Algebra and geometry are free…yet foreign language a required class you must pay either 450 or 500 dollars for 1 course of it and need either 4 or 6 courses to complete it all because of my graduating age and no I go to online school.

Yes, I agree it’s not right…but I don’t think he was scared. He endlessly yelled and screamed about how when they die, I would be homeless and starve to death and mentioned there leaving me no money after they die…how everything in our house belongs to them. None of it is written in my name, so I would literally have nothing, and his will is not going even to mention my name…I think that’s scaring your own child past the point of reality.

Today…both of my parents are calm and acting like nothing ever happened yesterday…there cleaning the house together and talking like normal. When yesterday my dad scared me past the point of reality with the “when we die” yelling, screaming, and cursing speech, and my mom scared me just as bad…how can they even talk to each other? Yesterday, all they did was yell and scream at each other.

When sitting in Algebra class, I get angrier at my current school, listening to my teacher talk about factors, trinomial, roots, and perfect squares and wonder “when the fuck in life do I need to know trinomials or perfect squares” and get to learn this very useless info for free…

But it’s going to cost me at least if not more then 500 dollars to learn a different country language, which would be more useful then "the perfect trinomial square is "a^2-16a+64 and when factoring the answer is (a-8)^2 "…nobody besides my Algebra teacher and quizzes is going to be asking me about perfect trinomial squares.

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Talking about when themselves die…
talking like that…
I know I’ve experianced something like that before…
I would like to give you hope but i don’t know how. I see how hard it is in school for you from what you said.
I also read about your thoughts when sitting in Algebra class. I see where you get that.
I really do. But I must tell you a quote from my teacher,
“You use algebra all the time, you just don’t know your’e doing algebra.”

I see how terrible it is to have your parents scream and curse like that, When there is talks like that, it is…
I can’t describe it.

I am getting mad that they’d make you have to use up money like that. I also don’t really see why anybody else than the algebra teacher and quizzes would ask you about that stuff.

I would like to say something supporting.

I need to say something to encourage you to keep going on…

I drew a picture for you that is supposed to be encouraging.
I saw your name being “Moon”
on here, so I thought of a metaphorical situation that could apply.
The light of the sun reflects off of the moon, making a light in the darkness.
In this case, you could be that light to somebody,
but what is the sun? You would need to be the one to figure that out.
I hope it helps.

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"My niece is a senior in a public high school and my sister complains a lot about how much some of the classes cost to get college credits- " <-- This is true. I’m still in high school; my science class is free, but I’ve now taken 4 of them and still not enough science credits…if they made my family pay for those classes, I wouldn’t be in high school at this point, and the way schools structure credits is a nightmare. Some are 1 credit, others are 0.5 credit…it’s a nightmare, and yes, both foreign language classes require payment for materials, recommended books, workbooks and etc.

I agree, but I guess it’s my fault for apparently being my age though I can’t change that, and sadly no, there nothing both around me and in town that’s hiring even online my teacher couldn’t find me anything. Yes, I want to go to college I think my school talked about that, but the options they showed us were taking out giant loans and paying them back it…it always feels like time is running out near the cut off age for high school, my parents getting older, college getting closer and having zero plan there always something reminding me of time.

It’s a new form of hell…I’ve broken down crying so many times, and it’s only 9 am, and school is a hell of its own…trying to act normal for Algebra was exhausting smiling, laughing, answering teacher questions I wanted to leave right after class started…I don’t know how to handle a full school day, and science class is about to start for me, so my reply might be slow.

I will try, but it’s hard to act normal around those people cause there my teacher and friend, and I don’t think I can go to the school counselor…my school has extreme negative to students who say, “I can’t pass this class it’s too hard, my thoughts are negative right now”…yeah not the world best school staff.

My plan is to drown out my Science teacher voice with music currently…that’s all I can handle at this moment for class.

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Anything is hopeful or a distraction…I’m struggling so hard getting through class without either breaking down crying or yelling at my teacher to please be quiet cause I don’t want to learn today…which if my teacher hears be quiet, school will become a worse hell, okay but people don’t use geometry all the time so what’s the point of it…all it achieves is a big headache and possible broken keyboard.

It’s an undescribable form of hell…hell is the worse, I know, so I try calling it that though it’s worse than that.

Same… It makes no sense why 1 class costs money, and another does not.

Oh yes. Music is one of the most powerful things…
I can tell that you are overloaded.
I would think, maybe you could escape into the music, but then I realise, it doesn’t always work…

Please inform me on any way I can support you, i’m going to try to support you any way I can.

Wow, that’s really beautiful!!..sorry it took me so long to reply. Maybe the sun is this site cause it’s been able to help me get through the day :slight_smile:

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Thank you…

:relaxed:

I wish I could escape into music…my teachers continue to talk so loud I can hear them over my music even though it’s on full volume…school continues to ruin my escapes

I don’t know a certain way you could support me cause this is the first time I’ve ever gotten so near suicide…you could make my art teacher decide to cancel class or get rid of my essay for English.

Don’t commit suicide. Even your teachers would feel a hard blow from that.
If there is anyone that cares about you in your life, then don’t.
I care about you so I’m telling you, you are worth it, and there will be an end to this hell.
I have been through things, and somehow, even though I still have troubles, I am taking new light in helping others. I wish I could convince your teachers to cancel, but I don’t know how to contact them…
I wish I was a hacker, and a ninja, and a fox-spirited guardian…
I’m going to keep pushing through…
so I can reach my dream.
I hope you can push through as well.

I know how bad it is with having an essay for English…
I mean, with your situation, I can’t imagine.
Once I stayed up all night working on an essay: It was painful.
I acidentally let my mind run wild instead of writing and essay.
I wrote a story.
Oh no, I’m going off on another tangent…

But the characters were so perserverant, it might be inspiring to read. It is supposed to be the basic storyline for a film, and I never gave the “Boys” that were the main characters any names.
But here it is, just in case it will help for you to read it,
Also the boys in my story, they got bad grades all the time, and couldn’t meet the standards no matter how hard they worked, also,

the ending might be confusing, but it is actually an adoption of an ending scene to one of my dreams.

Here;s the story:

There were two boys who were both thought of as “failures”, and “Useless people.” They got bad grades and were in good physical shape but could not meet the standards no matter how hard they worked. They didn’t know each other yet though. Then, one day one boy tripped and fell into a crevice. He did not call for help. He tried to get himself out, but he couldn’t climb very well. The other boy heard the sounds he made, and was impressed at the fact that this other boy wasn’t calling for help but instead was trying to get himself out and be brave. He went to go help the other boy out and even though he refused the offer, he helped him out anyway. They went walking through the vast palin where there were so many cliffs and crevices and began talking. Soon they were deep in conversation. They promised to meet at the crevice every day so they could talk, train, and improve together. They met each other at the crevice every day. They began writing songs together and learning more and more about each other. They became the closest of friends. They had promised to meet every day. Then, a day came. People in suspicious costumes were searching for the boy who had fallen into the crevice. The boy who had helped him out saw this. He stated firmly that he would never tell them anything. He had promised himself never to go back on his word, but he found himself between a choice. Should he respect his promise to his friend by meeting him there, because the suspicious people could follow him, and they obviously had malicious intent for his friend!, or should he break a life-long promise to save his friend. He chose the latter. He was whipped and tortured as they tried to get the information out of him, but he would not tell. He knew that if he told, it would be endangering his friend. He also knew that he had to stop these evil people before they did anything else. He reached the pocket knife his friend had given him and cut his ropes. He ran and found a self destruct system in the evil organisation building. He knew that would not be the right choice. He looked through dusty closets and vast gyms and cramped little filthy bathrooms. He looked in places to see if they had any more prisoners. He walked into a quiet, beating room. There were beds in the dark room, and a soft, THUMP< THUMP>THUMP. There were white sheets over the bodies on the beds, but at least the people were alive…
But he still had to save his friend, and he would do anything it took as long as it didn’t endanger innocent people’s lives. He found many tools and opened a great back door, getting all the people in beds out of the room with the soft blinking light and the THUMPing. He hacked the camera system and figured out how to cleverly flood all the rooms with guys in suspicious uniforms with toxic gases, but one thing he did not realise is that one of the guys was in the room with him and the guy realised what had happened and locked a gun onto the boy’s back,
And shot…
But even though the boy was bleeding he did a drop, step, roll, step, takedown on the man with the gun. He dropped the gun and it slid across the floor. The boy felt himself crawling, and some sort of light going out. He saw his friend, worrying, getting mad, cursing…
He had to join him.
He had made two promises. One to meet his friend at that very spot every day, and the other to protect his friend no matter what it took. He couldn’t do both.
He saw his friend, slumped in the crevice, but he was parylised. His friend stayed all night waiting in the crevice and was crying. He then decided he would not call for help. He would climb out of the crevice on his own, but then he realised that letting go of someone who didn’t let go of you would be breaking the promise he made to his friend and to himself. He slumped back down and began crying, but it faded into a second noise, singing, and then to a third noise, howling. Howling for his lost friend. Howling at the moon. His friend heard and ws parylised.
He realised that if his friend lost him, that his friend would lose himself as well, so he broke through everything, flying through the night. He howled in the wind, and his gentle hand came, tugging his beloved friend out of the crevice.

Also, an aqquaintance of mine by the name of Rebecca Yang and a group of her freinds
cared about people who were struggling with mental health.
so they wrote this:
You are worth it! Rebecca Yang & Music for Mental Health

:sob: :grinning:

My sister listening to her playlist of music inspired me just now…
I don’t know if this is some sort of message or what:
She was listening to a beautiful song that made my heart feel empowered:
Then I looked to see what the title was,
and it was,
“Never Give up on Your Dreams.”

Also, I totally understand the way it is that it would make things so much worse if your parents got involved.

Hi Moon, welcome to Heart Support.

Have you looked into financial aid other than loans? Sorry for assuming where you live, but in the US they have what is called a PELL grant which is free money basically, from the government. You need to fill out a FAFSA (Federal Application for Financial Student Aid if memory serves.)

FAFSA pays an amount of money based on your parents income, which will give you an Expected Contribution Number based on that. This is not the actual dollar amount you would be expected to pay, it’s just something colleges use to figure out how much they get - the PELL grant is generally paid out to the school directly and then you get whatever is left to help pay for extra stuff like notebooks, pencils, calculators, anything really.

In my case, I was awarded enough money to pay for my education 100%. That being said, I went to vocational school which is generally cheaper than Community College, which is cheaper than a University, so depending on what you want to do, there are many avenues to take. The amount I was awarded would probably pay for the vast majority of Community College costs, but most schools have tuition wavers and things to help make paying for college easier.

I know this road is hard, I’ve been through it myself, but I would definitely recommend filling out the FAFSA soon. You need to fill it out a semester in advance so you should have enough time, assuming of course you are in the US. And I would also advise against student loans.

I hope this helped, friend. Stay strong.

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Hi nice to meet you…sorry it took awhile to reply back

No, my school talked about a scholarship site and loans once, but I’ve been too busy with classes and assignments ever to do anything, and it’s okay. I do live in the US…I don’t really remember when my school talked about loans, but it was something similar to FAFSA, but the way they talked about it was you get money and required to pay it back or grow lots of debt.

The college I looked at shows Household income and the cost after aid for it, but it would still be really unfordable…at this point, I don’t care what college it is as long as it has foreign language and is affordable, and I do agree…student loans scare me…the amount of debt that can pile up on them.

They were probably talking about loans because even if you apply for student loans, the first step is always the FAFSA. You will need to fill this out before you can get any kind of aid, except for probably scholarships and grants. Maybe.

I would take a moment to step back a little and look at this from a broader standpoint.

Like Sheet mentioned above, you don’t NEED go to college, first and foremost. Second, those numbers you see on the website are averages, so if some people had their costs covered in full but someone else with a higher income had less aid and had to pay more out of pocket, that would affect those numbers. And thirdly, college is a big decision and shouldn’t be taken so lightly. If you or someone else is going to be giving money to this place, you need to be happy with it and the service it offers you.

Which school are you looking at, if you don’t mind me asking. And also, what do you think you might be interested in doing as a career? This can help lead you in the right direction.

I don’t really speak to my teachers outside of school…but I know they care. I’ve seen their notes about me and heard what they say to my art teacher and advisor. But it’s hard trying to remember that…all they do is throw quizzes, unit exams, essays, and other assignments at me daily and say, “get it done by midnight tonight! yes 12 am tonight I want your unit exam, essay, and other stuff done and no I’m not giving extensions on it!”…they care, but it’s really hard to remember sadly even if you managed to contact them I dought they would cancel.

Ah…if you were a hacker and hacked into my school, you would get in really big trouble, so don’t do that. Somehow my essay is making things a little worse; my subject is a song analysis, but the song I picked was about pain and suffering through mental illness…I can’t change it now, and my English teacher is impossible to contact.

I did something similar for a short story assignment but managed to get so lost in the plot when I tried formatting it how my teacher wanted. I started getting burned out I couldn’t even open the story without feeling like giving up right away. Your story sounds similar to a song called “human error” by Kizu. I did a song analysis on it for a friend once I don’t have much time this morning, so I couldn’t read your story, but I will try later.

…another day of pretending to be normal in all my classes.