I’ve been dealing with mental health issues and trauma since I was very young, first seeing signs of it when I was about 9. I’ve been in and out of free therapy sessions for years, which only last 5 weeks each time a doctor puts me onto a mental health plan. Over the many years it has just gotten much worse, suicidal thoughts becoming apart of my ever day life and secluding myself from everyone, right before the start of covid I left home as my mum was neglecting my three (3) other siblings and I, I was also stabbed and abused by her many years prior, police and cps have been involved and did nothing. I was homeless for about a year and a half before I gave up and went back home, mainly because nothing was improving for my siblings and I felt the need to go back to help them. Every waking moment that I’m not distracting myself I’m thinking about how I want to die. I am also trans and my dysphoria is ever growing whilst living in this house of unsupportive people. The only people I have in my life that give me a reason to live are my youngest sibling and my partner, but my relationship with both is starting to strain with my ever spiraling mental health, I’m not ready to be an adult by any means but I’m 18 now and I need to start working and moving on with my life, but i would just rather die.
You haven’t had a chance to really live yet. Take the time to discover what life can be like when you’re away from a toxic environment. I had a rough start too. I attempted suicide when I was nine. I lived in a deranged and cult-like environment. I was on the streets and hungry for a while as well. I dropped out of school and started working when I was 15. That was my first step toward emotional survival.
What are the odds that you can help yourself or your siblings while you’re immersed in such a toxic environment? I don’t know what your options are. Maybe you can find a roommate situation, or something affordable. I lived in a single room for 2 years, then a one room cabin for another year, when I was starting out. For the first time in my life, I found moments of contentment.
It’s hard to make a mental health plan work when you’re around people who aren’t mentally healthy.
It sounds like at least for the time being, you should keep yourself distracted. Visualize yourself in a better situation. Your recovery will give your siblings hope.
From: E Man
Well I kinda feel you since I had similar issues when I were younger. Also changing the person you are doing therapy can harm you. Because you need to trust the therapist for them to heal you. Also restarting things over and over again and telling those stuff over and over again can also harm you. Don’t worry even if we are not professionals we had similar stuff with you. You are not alone and solutions exist trust me. One thing is not the solution. And thats dying. I am also a trans person and according to my experience you should leave gender stuff for last to solve. You are so strong believe me! Don’t give up and continue fighting! Self harm thoughts aren’t stronger than us!
From: basicmitch818
Hey there friend, I am sorry to hear you are struggling. There is a lot to unpack but I just want you to know that you have people here who care about you and want to help.
My personal suggestion is to find a program in your city that can help you if that’s possible. There are a lot of social workers that want to help and get you into longer programs than you have been getting.
The next thing I would say is that in terms of the suicidal ideation, I can fully relate. As a small child, one of my earliest memories is trying to plan a way to die. It eventually led me to attempting multiple times. On my fourth attempt, I finally realized that I need to stop. It doesn’t get rid of the hurt. It amplifies it and sends it to others. I had a close commit suicide last month and I have never felt such pain. It reminded me that the reach we have is immense and the people we would hurt would be devastated.
You are loved, you are strong, and you have the power to overcome anything life throws at you. Please reach out again if anything changes.
From: Ash
First off Candy thank you for sharing all of this. I am so sorry that so much has gone on in your 18 years of life. Have you looked into looking for resources like medical care help and support I know some states offer assistance to get you insurance. I know in my state they offer a lot of services just got to go to their website and or call the specific number normally it is 211 and will help you. That could give you a chance to get support for this. As for the parents and siblings that is terrible that you are in that situation with your mom. Have you reached back out to CPS now that you are 18 to get them to try and help your siblings. I know that sometimes when someone can bring proof or the evidence of the abuse stuff can move faster. As for the trans and dyshporia stuff I can so relate when I still lived at home my mom was very not supportive so it was tough on me to feel okay to be me and I struggled a lot more. But something I did was have specific people aware of how I was doing with that and they would remind me hey you are this name and you are not this. If you need some assistance like that please dont hesitate to ask. I want to say that sometimes we have to very much focus on the small parts of our lives in order to keep going to find that truth in ourselves by being more than we thought possible. You are doing a good job pushing forward even if it is hard. You are strong for that too.
From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)
Hi CandyI am sorry you are going through this and have been going through this for some time. Have you considered going to therapy again. I think it might be very beneficial for you well being. Also antidepressants might help. I understand that the source of your suffering is the abusive home environment and I know how much is has to hurt you. Do you think cps would be able to help now that you are an adult and you can give a testimony? I am glad there are at least some people in your life that give you hope and light in your darkest moments.
therapy is a bit iffy atm, im trying to work up the courage to ask for medical help, but ive been scared away from it for most my life being told its way to expensive and doesnt help, i was an “adult” to them when i first contacted at 16, my teacher also contacted them i also showed proof but they dismissed it as my mum just struggling as a single mother.
they saw me as an adult at 16, i brought proof and such but they dismissed it all, im looking for resources and such regarding mental health but its really taking it out of me. thank you so much for the kind words