I’m sorry for such a long post. Any advice on all of this would be greatly appreciated.
About four years ago I met a guy at my college who I thought was really cute. He didn’t know me but later on I introduced myself and we ended up becoming friends. We hung out a little a first, but as time progressed things got a bit more serious where we’d hang out a lot, go out places and things. My feelings for him grew more, but I didn’t know how he felt. I just knew I wanted to try to grow a real relationship with him, one that was more romantic than just friendly.
At the same time I fell into a bad depression over something that was going on in my life. I got accused of a crime I didn’t really commit. But because the case was so fresh I didn’t have any evidence to back me up yet, and so I didn’t want to lose him over an accusation I wasn’t really guilty of but couldn’t prove at the time. So I kept things from him. But, I kept trying to advance our relationship in the meantime. We ended up getting to “I love yous,” cuddling, dinners, wrestling in the living room and just staring into each others eyes for a really long time. He started to mean the world to me and I thought he felt the same.
Eventually, I wanted to make things official and I asked him out on a date. He rejected me and told me he was straight, but then continued to want to do things like cuddle and tell each other we loved them. I didn’t know what to do and got agitated. My depression got really bad and I ended up not wanting to be home, so I’d spend a lot of my time out with him and became clingy. But at the same time it felt like he would just mess with my feelings whenever I was around him. To me, I thought maybe he wasn’t ready to come out. We were both young adults and I can understand if that was the case.
But then his friends didn’t like the clinginess and started telling him he shouldn’t be my friend anymore because they felt I didn’t treat him right. Whenever me and my friend got in an argument over not making things official, he’d usually tell his friends I was the problem. It got to the point where we got in a final argument because we were supposed to meet up and talk about our relationship, but he decided to cancel and go to a party instead because his best friend from the military was in town and he wanted to see him. He asked me if we could reschedule so he could go, and I told him it was fine. I didn’t want him to miss his friend who was getting redeployed after. But he thought I was really mad about it and went to the party upset and for some reason decided he needed to write an apology letter to me (that I didn’t ask for or never asked for throughout our entire relationship) which also upset his friends. I never asked him about it, although it still really baffles me why he did that.
We made up after that but things weren’t the same. He wanted a 2 month break or he said he’d leave me. I agreed, but after about 2 weeks we ended up meeting up and telling each other we missed each other and ended the break. But he wanted to cut off most of our time together, gave me time limits when we hung out (about an hour), and secretly was keeping me away from his house because his friend that told him to leave me would frequent it a lot and he didn’t want us to get in an argument. When I found that out, I told him things either needed to end completely or we need to actually work things out. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and hadn’t for a while but only kept me around because he didn’t know why he stopped loving me and wanted to figure it out. A couple months afterward I reached out to ask if we could talk and he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me and that his life was better without me.
After that I hadn’t spoken to him for 2 years until recently. My case was finally ending in my favor and my depression was as well, or so I thought. I reached out to a lot of old friends to reconnect because I pushed everyone away when my friend left. I also reached out to him and he agreed to meet up and talk. I felt horrible about the way things went before. I felt like I was to blame for a lot of it and ended up taking all the blame for the end of the relationship. He meant everything to me, but when I went into a depression it was like I became an entirely different person. When he voiced his concerns over the clinginess and stuff, I listened and gave him as much space as he asked. And after our big fight I completely changed my attitude and just stopped the arguments altogether. I didn’t want to lose him but did anyway as a lot got said and I guess it wasn’t enough. I felt I did too much damage or made him feel like he had no time to himself or anything.
We met up a week and a half ago to talk and things went pretty well, I thought. We caught up, had a couple laughs, I told him everything that was actually going on and apologized a lot for the stuff I said and did. He told me he’d think about picking things back up before he left. Today I texted him to ask if I could buy him dinner and continue talking. Het told me he only met up with me so I could alleviate some guilt, that he doesn’t like me, and never wants to see me again.
I took that as the final end, but I still feel terrible about things. So many of my friends told me it wasn’t all my fault, that he did a lot too but I just felt like they were wrong. I still feel horrible about what he said and feel as though I’m not even worth the effort to even have a friendship with. And part of me feels really angry because he also did a lot to me before, and I feel like he really played with my emotions but that I was the only one taking the blame for it all. Regardless I still wanted him in my life, but I get that can’t be if he doesn’t want it and I’m not going to try to force it. It just still feels awful though, and I don’t know what to think about it all.
If anyone has any advice they could give, I’d really appreciate it. I want to believe these feelings will just pass and that I’ll find someone better who truly cares about me. But the way he spoke to me it honestly just feels like I’ve just been a burden on everyone and that I don’t deserve to have friends or a relationship. I feel I really hurt him and that no matter who I am now, or how many times I apologized to him it’ll never be enough.