I dont know how to feel anymore

Hello, My name is Steven Wilson. I’m a 19 year old boy from Colorado. Last year, I made a mistake that I regret. In February of 2020, I was accused of Sexual Assault by my Ex GF. It happened in November and ik to this day that it was an accident. I don’t remember what exactly happend because two months later, I had knee surgery to repair my Torn ACL and a torn meniscus. About one week later I was nearly killed by Necrotizing Fasciitis. I don’t remember anything before January 19th. But I’ve been struggling with a Porn addiction, depression, suicide. And Anxiety. Ik what happened that night was wrong and I can’t live with myself for what I did I let my demons get the best of me that I may have ruined my life. Since the start of 2020, I have attempted suicide 5 times. All 5 in the hospital. Back in September, I went back to therapy. I’ve been trying to rebuild myself piece by piece but I continue the feel the burden and regret of what I did. I can’t live with my sins knowing that I have betrayed my family and friends. I was mentally, physically, and sexually abused when I was a kid. My mother’s partner (not my dad) abused me mentally and physically. Her son sexually abused me. I have always found Music to be a Coping skills to deal with my depression. I listen to bands like Trivium, In Flames, Chimaira, As I lay dying, and many more. I’m asking for help because Idk how much time I have left.

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Hey @ScubaSteve2k21,

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for your for opening up about all of this. I imagine that last year was a rollercoaster of emotions for you, to say the least, and it wasn’t easy to open up about all of this. I’m glad you decided to take some time to be here and talk about it.

I hear you. I hear your regrets. I hear the guilt you’ve been carrying for what happened that night. And I also hear the voice of the kid you were who never asked to be abused. I can imagine the fear you would have of others judgment, especially in the times we’re living in, and I want you to know that there is no judgment here. I can imagine all the contradictions and mixed emotions you’re feeling because of what happened and the things you’ve been through.

I’m a woman, and I was sexually abused too, several times in my life. When I was a kid, and multiple times as an adult because of situations I’ve put myself in. Though I’ve never hurt anyone or ever abused anyone, but I’ve been in situations afterwards that I still regret deeply, such as selling my body for a certain time to strangers. I still wish to die because of it, and some days the guilt is really hard to process. I understand how it feels to look at yourself in a mirror and feeling like the only thing you deserve is to disappear. I understand how it feels to deal with what seems like an unshakable, endless, painful guilt for something you did before.

It took me a lot of time to understand why I did that, also to acknowledge both my part of responsibility and how it was related to traumatic experiences. You just did that here regarding your own actions and story. What makes something understandable doesn’t erase the responsibility of our actions, you know that too well. But at the same time, being honest with yourself and your own story allows you to learn, to heal, and to make sure that this cycle of violence stops. It doesn’t stop with you disappearing, friend. It stops with you facing yourself and healing your heart at the same time.

You are not a monster. You are not unlovable. You are human, alive, breathing. You are worthy of love and healing. You deserve justice, just like your ex deserves justice. Maybe it will be surprising for you to read that after all the things you’ve experienced, especially lately, and especially in the world we’re living in, where the general tendency is to see things through a good/bad opposition. But as human beings we are more complex than this. Traumas, violence, repeated cycles of abuse are more complex.

This guilt that you feel is not made to consume you until your last breath. Let it be your anchor for growth and justice, even if the process hurts. You can do this, but also with the right amount of support and time. I hear that you’ve been seeing a therapist and that’s a very good decision. Keep getting help. Keep being supported. Keep being honest and vulnerable. Don’t let secrets consume you and make you be someone you don’t want to be anymore. Shame is a monster to understand and to tame at your own pace. It goes with sharing your heart, your voice and being honest with yourself, which is what you’ve been doing. Silence is your enemy, not yourself, not your heart.

I’m sorry you didn’t receive the support you needed when you were young. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry for what happened to your ex. And I’m thankful for you for sharing all of this, for breaking some important taboos. It is a mark of strength and humility. You’re not letting your walls closing in and let yourself being stuck. You want change, you want healing, you want understanding. And maybe one day you’ll learn to forgive yourself too - which is not forgetting or minimizing. You’ve just made a step in that direction, and I want you to be proud of it. You have a community right here to support you through all of this as well. You are not alone. You are not made to disappear. Your life is not over.


Welcome to the community @ScubaSteve2k21! As @Micro said

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for your for opening up about all of this. I imagine that last year was a rollercoaster of emotions for you, to say the least, and it wasn’t easy to open up about all of this. I’m glad you decided to take some time to be here and talk about it.

There is a lot to unpack here, so I had to re-read over your post a few times to make sure I was understanding it clearly. I am happy to hear you went to therapy and I hope you continue going to therapy. You’ve been through a lot and sounds like even though you are older now, you’re not necessarily over that and that’s okay. It’s just something that needs to get worked through with a therapist. I am currently 27 and I am no where near over what happened to me in my childhood. I still have nightmares of my abuse but I feel like it’s better than it was before because I was able to go to therapy. Is it all unpacked and sorted? Of course not and I am sure I’ll have to continue going for as long as I need to figure it out. It is normal to feel regret and like a burden sometimes but don’t let your story end here, you have so much life ahead of you even though it might feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now. I personally think you can overcome this and I want to encourage you to continue rebuilding yourself with help because it’s okay to ask for help. No one can possibly do everything alone. As for your ex girlfriend, I don’t know if she would be willing to talk to you but it would be good for closure if you can apologize to her even if she chooses not to forgive you. Write out a letter even, with your thoughts and how you feel. Hold fast, Steve.

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