I don't know what hapiness is

Hey,

I hate having to come here again. Not because I don’t like this place, but because every time I come here it’s because I have some terrible thing happening to me.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Everyone and everything feels out of my control as I am spiraling into madness. I have internal episodes where I feel like I’m going to go insane as I slowly compress the explosions of emotion and distress into a pocket that goes in the back of my head. Sometimes I worry that my intrusive thoughts will become real and I will do something that I didn’t want to do. Every day feels wasted as I toil with daily thoughts of death and failures.

My personality bends around who I am talking to. I try to be as unproblematic as possible because if someone accused me of something, even if it wansnt true, I’d bend over like a doormat and let them walk all over me. I wear a mask to fit in and have a friendly face and make conversation, yet I have no idea who I actuality am.

My idea lf hapiness has been smashed. I don’t know what it is. Everything I feel is through clouded glass. My emotions are dull and even when they’re strong it all seeps back into nothingness when it’s over. My accomplishments feel like they were just the bare neccesity, I never feel like anything I do is satisfactory, and even when I accomplish something I worked super hard for I don’t want to take credit and it feels like another version of me, or someone else, did those things.

I need professional help so badly, but I’m so embarrassed to ask my parents to help me find someone because then I will get bombareded with questions. And even if I got help, not only would I feel like wasted space in their schedule, but I would have so much garbage and awful things piled up I wouldn’t know where to start.

I’m so lost. Angry. Confused. Scared. Sad. This is awful.

-HMM

5 Likes

Hello there,
You shouldn’t feel embarrassed to ask your parents, when you truly just need their help and support x

Seeking help is a sign of strength — not a weakness. And it is important to remember that treatment is effective. People who get appropriate care can recover from mental illness and addiction and lead full, rewarding lives.

If you keep waiting for another day to tell someone about how you’re currently feeling, that day might never come. When you’re feeling like this, you could use some help finding the recovery path and getting some traction in the right direction. It’s perfectly okay to take one small step at a time.

Here’s a small tip for you;
Asking for and offering help can only be productive under one crucial condition: clear communication. Try to communicate your request as clearly and concisely as possible. There is no need to over-explain, and explain how the person you’re asking can contribute.
Maybe you’re not ready to get into the details. Maybe you can’t describe exactly what you’re feeling or point to why you’re feeling so low. You don’t have to. It is important, though, to at least admit that you’re not okay, that you’re not feeling well. Even just saying something simple like that out loud goes a long way to reversing some of the isolation that actually serves to keep you stuck.

Also,

  • Don’t be scared of a diagnosis (or multiple), if they give you one, they can provide the help you need x

I hope you feel well soon, wishing you a good day x

Lots of Love,
Kamee

1 Like

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, its good to see you, Im sorry its under these circumstances, I am also so sorry you are struggling so much right now. after reading what you have written so well I am going to encourage you to please go and talk to your parents, I understand there will be questions but that is because they care and will be worried but the questions wont last for too long, you clearly want and need to see a professional and get some help with how you are feeling and if that is the only way then please do it. Your wellbeing is more important that a few questions. Of course you can come here too anytime but a professional can help you far more and you deserve a better and happier life. Much Love Lisa. x

2 Likes

From: Who.is

hey, I’m glad you came back and have shared with us. I’m glad you’re talking about it because holding all this in on your own is something that feeds those intrusive thoughts. The isolation grows and seems so vast. I want you to know that those thoughts that you’re wasting someone’s time and it’s not worth it are also intrusive thoughts. Professionals do what they do because they care and they want to help in a way that will actually see results. I really do think your family would want to support you and be there for you in anyway they can. I’m sure they’d hate knowing that you’re struggling so deeply and not talking to anyone. Some people suggest writing things down to make it easier to communicate. It takes the burden off fear from having to talk it all out. It gives you time to express yourself and your family time to really absorb how you’re feeling, and you seem like you’re excellent at writing. This post is very well written and expressed, you have a gift with words. You deserve fully the support you need. Please do consider it because we want to see you start to become whole. You deserve it and you matter

2 Likes

From: twixremix

hey friend,

while i’m happy to see your username again and hear how things are going for you, i’m sorry that you’re returning with a rough update. when it comes to intrusive thoughts, please know you aren’t alone in facing them. however, you’ve held onto such strong self-control that you haven’t acted upon them yet. and i believe in you to keep that control because you will forever rise above it. the key to silencing those thoughts is to honestly laugh them off as the mind tricks they and keep on with your day.

i truly hope you can reach out to the help you need to find and feel your happiness again. a lot of why you’re feeling so numb to positive emotions sounds like depression to me which is why i strongly encourage you to find a professional whether through betterhelp (HS gives a week free of that service) to avoid your parents’ questions or finding a provider in your area. and sure, fielding questions from your parents about your mental health is hard but i’d rather them be aware of your struggles to properly support you than you walking alone in this journey. and when you find a therapist, it’s okay to prepare a list of goals, issues you wish to discuss, powerpoint of your life’s story, etc. to make the session streamlined to the problems you want to talk through first. wishing you all the best, my friend, i believe in you.

love,
twix

2 Likes

From: Dr Hogarth

Hi HalloweenMaskMaker,

I am so sorry that you’ve found yourself in such a dark place, but I am at least glad that you have somewhere to come when you feel so terrible. No one should ever have to feel so lost and hopeless on their own; absolutely no one deserves that.

Starting the conversation with your parents about how you’re feeling is genuinely hard; there is still so much taboo about mental health and talking about it. The way you’ve articulated your state of mind here though is, while being heartbreaking, very clear. If you feel that in the moment you would have difficulty describing how you feel to you family, is there a way you could write out how you feel and either read it to them or give it to them? Your parents will want to know that this is how you feel but starting that conversation is daunting. You should choose whatever way you find easier. You don’t have to feel this way alone. x

2 Likes