I don't know what I want

Tonight, I hugged and kissed my kids goodnight then had every intention of going upstairs and taking enough drugs to end my life, but I found this site so hopefully it helps.

My wife is a recovering/active drug addict, I have both options because I’m not sure which she is, she never tells me the truth. She tells me things then I believe everything she says but it always bites me in the ass. I feel like I’m always the strong supportive person that always has everything together and IDK how much longer I can go on. We used to be happy but now not so much. We went from going on vacation and having money to being 45k in debt because of drugs. Every single problem we have is somehow related back to drugs. I am always the one that responsibility is set on, but I don’t want the responsibility anymore, I want her to… IDK what I’m trying to say, my wife has completely fucked up my life and she has no worries and I feel like my only option is to get away from it all. I don’t want to be around anymore

@Mureos I am so so sorry to hear that this is happening. As an addict myself I can tell you that it’s not her acting out, it’s the drugs/withdrawal. You need to keep fighting with her. It’ll be hard and I can’t imagine how much energy you’re goig to use on her but you can do it. You need to be here. Your kids need you here. She needs you here. Keep trying to reach out. Be honest with her on how it’s affecting the kids. My family don’t know about my addiction and I don’t have anyone here around me but when Casey and Danjo (from the stream) were brutally honest with me and told me I was killing myself, that’s when I threw the pills out and started to work with them. She’s not a lost cause. Neither are you. Lean on the community and we can help you to help her.

Hold fast.
Kayla

Hey @Mureos,

First off, I want to welcome you to HeartSupport! I hope that you’ll safety and refuge in this community.

Addiction is something really difficult to tackle, especially when it’s a significant other that is struggling to get clean. Has she considered getting professional help? I’m so sorry to hear that it seems that “trust” has been completely wiped out of the foundation of your marriage. I believe that “trust” and “communication” are the two most important things that make up a healthy foundation in a friendship/relationship. Does she know how you feel about the situation? Have you two considered couple’s counseling? We definitely don’t want to see you to continue to spiral downwards, both emotionally and financially. Some type of intervention is needed, because if nothing is done, I’m worried that you’ll continue to spiral until you hit rock bottom. Your kids need you. They love you. You’re strong! We believe in you.

-Eric