I want to be better I wanna have a better life but when I actually try to do something that I wanna do to try and make my life better I literally feel like I’m pushing up against a wall today my therapist sent me the application for my states partners in policy making classes and it was asking questions and it literally feels like a wall like my brain and body reject doing the work like I started getting incredibly anxious and depressed when it came to doing the work like my brain was literally being like “we want to get better but we would rather just sit her miserable and rot cuz this is too much” it was a fuckin 5 question application wtf is wrong with my body why am I like this
It’s a combination of a negative feedback loop, and negative conditioning. The feedback loop causes the conditioning to become increasingly negative. When these patterns are firmly established, they manifest a false identity that feels real. Among other things, this identity is characterized by being in a state of chronic anxiety and despair. It’s reinforced by fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of expectations, and despite hating to live in such a state, loss of this failure identity is also frightening.
Such negative conditioning is passed down socially through the generations. Even with the best of intentions, parents and authority figures reinforce it. It doesn’t happen in every family. Some cultures are better at nurturing more positive thought patterns.
We’re not consciously aware of this conditioning or how it affects us, but it manifests in many circumstances that trigger anxiety, depression, and loss of confidence.
It’s often virtually impossible to convince a person that this identity is indeed false. Some describe it as the story one tells the self, and keeps repeating it until they are convinced it’s the absolute and unchangeable truth.
Now that all that depressing stuff is out of the way, there is good news, and a more accurate way of perceiving who we really are.
It’s not a case of changing who we are. Instead, it’s discovering who we are without all the negative conditioning and false beliefs we’ve had about ourselves. It’s usually not like flipping a switch and saying, “from now on, I’ll be much different.” It’s more likely to be a gradual process to really become who we are, rather than acting out a role we’ve both consciously and subconsciously defined for ourselves as someone who can’t function or succeed.
Begin by knowing and acknowledging who you are, and what is good about you. What are your intentions? How do you feel about being supportive of others? Are you compassionate? Do you know how to do stuff, like read, type, communicate, clean house, express empathy, encourage others, or other stuff?
The true essence of who you are inside is love and light, and in no way deserve to have any negative feelings towards yourself. Imagine a star athlete suddenly feeling a loss of confidence, and having a negative self-concept. Would that person remain a star for long? This person would still have the muscles, coordination and experience needed to be a star, but would most likely end up waiting tables somewhere.
There are methods of positive conditioning and fortunately, the positive stuff can overcome the a significant amount of the negative stuff much faster than it took for it to become entrenched. There may always be triggers that can cause a loss of confidence, but they can be neutralized, once a person knows how.
You might want to copy and paste this into a document and take it to your therapist, because it might help to hear it expressed in different words, or explained in a better way.
I appreciate that you trust us with your feelings, and I hope you feel better. Wings