I dont know what to do about myself

I’m 15, and for a long time since i was around 10, faking has been part of my everyday. i fake love for family members, i fake loyalty to friends, and honestly i don’t know if i want to get better. every time i think of the future for myself i imagine amazing success. mostly because a part of me thinks that the reason ive always faked is because no one else is smart enough to get it. its not like i dont open up, its just that when i do no one actually gets it on the same level. i lie so much to people, just because i know i can, and its completely detaching me from everyone else. anything i say behind close doors ill say something completely opposite. since i faked it so much i dont even know who i am. what do i really like, or love? just because something interests me does that mean i like it? since ive always felt outside of everyone else, story’s are what i relate to more. i feel so desperate for people to see what i see, but its like im incomprehensible to them, but somehow i don’t care at all if they cant or i guess i just expect it. i can just turn off and on what i feel, but never can stop my brain from thinking. the less and less human i feel the more i worry about the people i do care about, but then again just as easily flip that switch to apathy. then when i face the idea of what its going to be like for me in the future i cant help but imagine me dead or at the top of the world. the nothingness that i feel for people freaks me out, and it freaks out my family so much so my mom thinks ill be a serial killer. so is this just what i am? when i imagine changing i only imagine those fake characters in my head. all this just makes me occasionally fade out for days to months at a time, but I’m not in a position where anyone that notices cares. so why am i so conflicted with who i am, and will that confliction never leave me? I really wish i hadn’t been born this way, I wish everyone would forget about me, so i could just fade out forever .

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Hey @herefornow,

I decided to do a video reply for you, since we’re more similar than you may think.

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