I dont know what to do anymore. Back story, my baby son and I had to move int with my parent’s, it was my only option, my ex was abusive emotionally, s.xually, and financially. Well, since ive moved back home, ive realized some stuff about my dad and it hurts so much. My ex is a narcissist and while my dad isnt to that level, i dont think a narcissist, he does say some stuff to me and my mom that is the same thing my ex said and when he does, it really hurts me and i sometimes say thats what ex said to me. Then my dad gets super angry and says dont compare me to him. I tried to go about things today by asking if he’d like to go to a counseling appointment with me, i go weekly and i was thinking maybe if he did we both could get a better understanding and talk it out, but he said he wont ever do any counseling because he doesnt think theres anything wrong. I’m not apologizing for what i said because somethings he says really hurts me amd are some things my ex would say to me. I dont want to live with my family anymore because of him but its not an option anytime soon. I am able to work very minimal right now because i need to be with my son, i cant afford daycare and with how young he is, im not okay with him in it quite yet. Also im in a lot of debt because of my ex, i feel like I’ll never get ahead. I just feel so helpless i dont know how to go about anything anymore
Boots,
I’m am relieved to know that you are out of that abusive relationship with your ex. I’m also glad that you are living in a safe place where you are getting support. Knowing that you and your son have a place to live, you are able to work at least part time and raise your son is a good change in your life. I can imagine that the emotional damage done by being in that abusive relationship has left you feeling pretty raw and in need of some time to heal. It’s good to know that you are going to therapy weekly to work through the trauma you went through. I applaud you for all you have done and are doing to get to a healthy place and to be a good mother.
It’s really hard and hurtful to hear your Dad, the one man you should be able to rely on and feel safe with say things that sound like what your ex has said. I’m sorry. It sounds like it’s triggering for you. Can I make a suggestion that might help lower the anger and heat a bit? When your Dad says things that hurt or are triggering can you take a step back and not compare him to your ex? Honestly, that may be triggering to your Dad. Rather than getting him to stop, it may make it worse. Having a talk with your therapist about this could help you with strategies on how to talk with your Dad.
You’ve made big changes for the better. Keep on working on this - you are doing this, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I’m super impressed and proud of how far you have come.
Hello @Boots
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds pretty stressful. It’s really hard when you know you don’t want to be in a situation, but you don’t have a choice. It seems like your child has always been your priority thru all this and I respect you for that. I think it’s really good that you’re in counseling and I think it would be important to ask for ways to cope with your father if he doesn’t want to go. You can still get help for yourself and hopefully deal with him better. I hope that you find a solution to your living arrangement soon and can find some peace. You matter!
You have taken such strong and important decisions to ensure your physical and emotional safety, as well as your son’s. Knowing that you’ve gone away from a place of hurt to suddenly realize that you are also hurt where you live must be heart shattering. It is good that your dad is not the same as your ex, although it is true that there is potential in all of us for saying things that can be hurtful at times, even if we don’t intend to be mean.
As you have gone through abuse, you are also learning to take care of the wounds that your ex has left. Hearing things that your ex used to say to harm you sounds to be acting as an emotional trigger to you – which makes completely sense. It is absolutely understandable to feel more vulnerable when those things were said again. Somehow, it emotionally brings you back to a time and place when you felt deeply unsafe, and that’s not what you’re expecting to live by moving to your parents.
It will be difficult to convince your dad to go to counseling with you if he is not willing to, although it was already VERY brave and strong of you for even offering this proposition to him. Not everyone is willing to give this a try, and this shows once again how much you have grown over time and are recognizing your worth. although dialogue can be difficult to have at times, you do deserve respect under any circumstance. Maybe, instead of having your dad directly going there, your counselor could at least listen to you regarding this situation, and share some pieces of advice on how to communicate things to someone who isn’t willing to listen. There may not be a direct contact between your counselor and him, but your counselor can still support and help you through this situation.
These comments alone may reactivate some sense of hopelessness – it’s one of those times when we feel down again, looking at our life and feeling like everything is going wrong. Even though it may feel that way, your progress is absolutely so real even just through the posts you’ve shared here on this forum. This is a rough situation emotionally, although you are not moving backwards and the steps you’ve taken so far are not lost. You will get through this, little by little. I’m rooting for you. 