I’m 18 and I already want to end it. For the past 3 years, my life has never stopped, it’s either been school, college, family illness or moving. Nothing has stood still. About 5 months ago I lost my dad to cancer, I miss him every day but I feel like I can’t show emotions in my own home without my mum shutting them down. It has to be how she feels and how this is affecting her. She says she cares but she hasn’t shown any help or support to me. Even when I told her I want to kill myself because I couldn’t hand anything anymore she didn’t care. I constantly want to scream, my head is always filled with dark thoughts but I have to keep going. I’m currently in counselling to try and help but the thoughts aren’t going away. I just don’t see the point in life at the moment and I don’t see it getting better
Hi wintermac
Thank you for sharing your story a giving us your trust. You are going through a lot right now and it is way too much for you to deal with. I know life can be very overbearing and things may seem hopeless right now. But things can also get better and improve. I want to ask you a couple of questions ok? 
Do you take any medication for depression? It might help you with those feelings of hopelessness. Those feelings are definitely valid but they also hurt a lot and they might be weighing on you too heavily for you to move forward. Do you have any friends or other members of the family that you can share things with? I know your mum is not doing her best job at supporting you so is there anyone else that you can share your struggles with? It is very good to have such person in your life no matter who it is. My last question would be about the things that you like to do. Are there things that you can just lose yourself in? It might be anything from reading to watching a TV series. These things help us escape from our struggles and that seems like something you need right now. Try to find something that you might lose youself in from time to time. 
I am sorry you life is very hard on you right now. Please know that it can get better again. I am wishing you all the best. Hold fast.
hi there new friend!
Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts and feelings!
It sounds like times have been tough and non stop for you. Grief is a huge process to undergo, and I’m sorry for your loss. It is so difficult when you feel as if you have to hide that grief, and for that ,I’m truly sorry that your mom hasn’t made that a bit easier for you.
It sounds like she too is in a really tough spot with her grieving and she isn’t really ‘present’ to be able to really hear your pain over her own pain inside her. Being in counselling is such a great step, and I’m truly grateful you’re doing this already.
Grief can be a real sneaky bastard, but it does get better with time. When it’s fresh, that seems impossible, but it does. It is a process, and there will be so many feelings that will come… but they do get better, the constant pain eases up, and the memories make you smile not cry, after a while.
I have an idea… do you have other family members? or family friend? Maybe you and your mom, and a couple others can do a celebration/remembrance thing for your dad? Plant a tree, erect a memorial garden statue, or something meaningful and as you can afford, so that it can help you both have a way to share a new memory, and to help you both with your grief?
Thank you for replying. I do not take any medication at all for anything. I do talk to my friends about some of this stuff but I don’t want them to worry about it as they have their own lives. Me and my family aren’t very close, my brothers are the only ones are can open up to but I don’t live with them and I don’t see them much. I do try and read or watch tv but sometimes even that gets too much. But sometimes I do put of my favourite show and it does take me out of everything for a few hours. Thank you so much, I hope you are well
It is ok to not be ok wintermac. Sometimes bad things happen and our world gets turned upside down. I am glad that you are seeking help and trying to find ways to cope. Not all is lost. You can get through this. You are very strong. I believen in you wintermac. Hold tight.
Thank you so much for replying. We have actually already planted a tree in memory of my dad when he passed as that was how he wanted to be buried. It was a great idea tho thank you!
Me and my family aren’t very close, most of them I haven’t spoken to them since my dad passed. My brothers are the only ones I’m close with but I don’t live with them and I don’t see them much unfortunately
ooh okay that’s great!
It is hard, when they’re not living with you, but I am hoping that your therapist can help give you some more tools and tricks to help with the grief. Having some hobbies that can distract you, or take up some time, might help.
Also meditation and deep breathing could help calm your mind as well. I’m glad you’re here with us.
And maybe you aren’t hearing this a lot these days, but let me make it clear that we all believe this:
You matter @wintermac , you are important and you have something wonderful to contribute to the world.
Things can and will get better, and happiness and peace can return. We hurt when we lose someone because we loved them. Honour that love by holding strong, and knowing things will get better. Take it one day at a time.
From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ (Discord)
Hi @wintermac, I hope you’re doing ok and have had some healing. It’s so hard when the whole family is grieving and everyone needs support. I hope things settled down and you’ve been able to talk to your mom and get some help. Take care. ~Lizzy
From: SuchBlue (Discord)
Hi there wintermac, hope things have gotten better for you during the time that you’ve posted. It can be very hard when the whole family is in need of support and one another is unable to help each other. Have you talked to her about the way that you’re feeling? Maybe you’ll make her feel more aware that you feel detached from the rest of the family as after all a family is supposed to be, well, a family. Once again, I really hope that you have been able to get some more help and support. -SuchBlue
From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)
Hi Wintermac, I just wanted to catch up with you friend, it’s been almost a month since you posted and I was wondering how things have been with you and your Mum in the last month. I am so very sorry that you lost your Dad and you both must have been through such a hard time with both of you grieving. I hope that you have been able to come together in some way now and that the counselling has helped in some way. Life will improve friend, but you have to go through a process and that process is so difficult, I can only hope that the two of you will manage it together and come out of it stronger than ever. We are always here for you please remember that. Much Love Lisa.
I’m sorry about the loss of your dad. I lost my mom to cancer, leukemia to be specific. That affects someone’s life in many ways. It seems like your mom doesn’t really listen to or reciprocate your feelings which is frustrating. Do you feel like your counselor is listening to you and understands you?
hey @wintermac ,
Just want to say We hear you, we see you, and we love you . Im so Sorry for your loss as that it has a huge impact on your life , Grief is alot to deal with especially when it comes to family. Take all the time you need to grief, I know your mother means well . But i feel like she is also struggling to in some sorts . Some times people just really dont know how to process their emotions when these feelings become a stacking box one after the other. As someone who attempted it is not worth it. Living your life is so worth it . Im happy to see that your in counseling keep telling your counselor how you feel .
Even though life is rough right now it will get better don’t give up . Please continue to reach out when you can . We love you friend!
Hold Fast You’re worth it!
-Ashley
I’m so sorry for your loss. yes, my counsellor is amazing. she has helped me a lot during this time to help me understand my feels with everything
Hey @wintermac,
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dad. My heart goes out to you so much and resonate a lot with your post. After losing my brother 3 years ago, there was absolutely no space to talk about him in the family. My mom made it all about her all the time. It felt, and still feels sometimes, like there was no space for my own grief, and no space to let my brother keep existing through the good memories we have of him. Grief alone is already hard to share with strangers, but it’s even more difficult when it feels like there is no space for it in your own family. It adds another layer of pain on the top of what is already felt. Unfortunately, it often happens that way because each person mourn differently, and some tend to take a lot more space than others, to externalize a lot what they feel, sometimes to the expense of others.
I’m seriously proud of you for seeing a counselor. Having this space, even if it’s one you’ve had to look for, is so precious. You have the right to use your voice. To feel what you feel, no matter how it is. You deserve to have a space to express yourself without feeling like being shut down. There is this intense reality happening within you, and as you are learning to live with it, you also deserve to be heard and supported.
Please know that we are here too. If you’d like to talk about your dad one day, then we’ll be here. We will listen and embrace these memories with you.
The love you have for him is not invisible. I see it. I see you. 
Thank you so much, you don’t understand how much that means to me reading that. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that happened to you. This whole message was amazing to read, knowing someone else feels the same way I do. I can’t say thank you enough
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