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I don't know what to do.anymore

I don’t know how I found this page but here I am.
I’m dealing with Depression for quite a few years. I had some up’s and down’s over the time but 2019 just punched me straight into the face. I got diagnosed with a autoimmune disease and a few weeks later I lost my dream job. I spent a few weeks in hospital and got back home. Since then I barely got out. Usually I just lay down somewhere in the living room and do nothing. My flat is a fucking mess. I lost contact to almost all of my friends and family. Now I’m close to lose my home since I can’t pay the rent anymore because I’m fucking stupid. I had several chances to find a solution for that problem but I was to tired. Since a few weeks my suicidal thoughts are back. I just want to end all of this but I don’t want to die.


Hi friend, Im sorry to hear that you’re going through such a terrible time. I know what you mean by 2019 being a punch in the face, for sure. I can’t imagine what it must feel like being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and losing a job you love. I am glad you’re here so you can be supported. My hope is that you find a sense of community, I know how easy it is to isolate when you’re feeling low. You are valued and cared for. Im not the best with words, but I want you to know that you matter and I am happy you found your way here.

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Hey @ChrisVakarian,

Thank you for sharing. :heart: And welcome here!

Gosh, there’s a lot happening in your life right now… I feel that. In a short amount of time I lost my job, my husband and I have been separated, I’ve been sick and stuck at home/hospital because of a strong disease. 2019 has kinda punched me in the face too, and sometimes I wonder if 2020 is going to be the same. There is, for sure, a lot to process friend, a lot to handle at the same time. And sometimes it feels like you’re just waiting for the next thing to happen, the next obstacle to appear. But you will get through this. I hear your despair. And it’s absolutely normal to feel that way. Yet there is still hope, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

Since then I barely got out. Usually I just lay down somewhere in the living room and do nothing. My flat is a fucking mess.

Well, that sounds to be, maybe, a first step to make: cleaning your home so you can feel, at least, a bit better where you live. Like you I tend to live in a messy environment if I’m too tired or if I’m struggling. And that makes sense. It is objectively hard to spend your physical energy for this, especially when you don’t feel okay in your mind already. Maybe you can try to clean progressively. One day the kitchen, one day the living room, etc.

Try to be gentle with yourself, friend, as much as possible. You only deserve a whole bunch of kindness and compassion right now. Forgiving yourself when you can’t do something is okay. 100%. But also keep trying to do what can be healthy for you. Sometimes what helps me is to set at least 1 to 3 things to do during the day. It can be easy or difficult. But the idea is to prove to myself that I can do something during the day, and to start to recreate a healthier pattern in my life. Maybe it’s something that could help you too?

I lost contact to almost all of my friends and family.

I’m sorry to hear that. Do you think there is a possibility for you to contact them? Like trying to get some news so you can recreate, progressively, a connexion with them? (if that’s what you’d like, of course)

Also, know that this community has a Discord server where you can talk more directly with others, so feel free to join us there! : There are times when I felt pretty alone recently, but I found in this community more love and strength that I could imagine. I wish the same for you, with all my heart. :heart:

There is also an encouraging video made by @Danjo that I like to watch I feel out of strength, and I’d like to share it with you:

You are not alone right now. Those are difficult circumstances but you will overcome this. There is more to see, more to live. You matter.


Hey, Chris

Well, I’m glad that you found us. :heart:

I’m sorry to hear that you have so much weighing in you right now my friend. It sounds like you have faced some really rough obstacles. That’s hard. It’s never easy when you are diagnosed with things that rob you of living life the way you want to and lose your job. That I can understand and relate to on a deep level. And I know right now with everything going on, it is that much more challenging because we can’t function in the ways that we would normally.

Friend, know that here you are among friends and we care about you. There is a great community that welcomes and embraces you that you can be a part of. We have a discord that was linked above that you can be a part of and twitch streams where you can come and be a part of us. Dan and Casey are so wonderful and constantly offering love and encouragement to all of us. And since a lot of us can’t see therapists right now, it’s a really good place to gather and be in together. If you join our discord you can see when they go live so you can hang with us. And here’s their link

I’m sorry that you are having such a hard time my friend. I’m sending so much love. We are here

  • Kitty