I don't know what to do. feeling alone and scared

Hello HeartSupport Fam,

I have posted about this before, but last night my partner was finally honest with me that this month is a major trigger for them because I had tried to take my life 3 years ago in October. In the aftermath of that night, I know my partner was worried sick and I also broke up with them because I could not deal with my own insecurities and questions about my identity. We did get back together though, and have had a great time together, for the most part.

Recently though, she let me know that she is still triggered by some of my actions in the past, but she is also worried that asking for space from me, would cause my anxiety to flare up. I had been insecure in the past about my sexuality and this really made me go back and forth in our relationship. I thought we were slowly rebuilding the trust, but her admission to me last night made me feel terrible- that my own girlfriend couldn’t even be totally honest with me about what was going on.

There are more outside circumstances going on as well (e.g. COVID and pandemic anxiety), but goodness, last nigth was heartbreaking to hear how she has been keeping her feelings in. I know we still love each other so much, but our relationship has been hard work for so long, that she’s scared there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve suggested couples counselling but she hasn’t gotten back to me on that.

Thank you for reading. I’m just trying to prevent my own panic attack right now. I’m so worried about her, and I’m scared for us.

Love,
Alex

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Hi Alex
I am so sorry you had to hear that from your girlfriend last night and I am sorry that this has happened, it has taken her a long time to tell you, it clearly has been very hard for both of you and that is terribly sad.
Your Gf is obviously still dealing with the aftermath of your suicide attempt 3 years ago and has been so worried to talk to to you for the fear of hurting you and I think that’s understandable. Its so hard dealing with depression and anxiety but it is also very difficult when you love someone who is depressed and anxious and sometimes it is very hard to bring things to their attention because the fear of taking that person from what feels like a good day to a very bad one because you say something that triggers them is frightening and that scenario is a huge one to bring up.
As you say she has had worries about asking for space so telling you that she has trouble trusting you is much bigger.
None of that means that you should not be feeling heatbroken, I am sure you feel like you have been hit by a truck right now and I am so sorry for that but it is better that you know how she feels that way as you say about couples therapy, you with her agreement can now work openly and honestly together to make this right and start afresh in an open and honest relationship.
I know its scary Alex but we are all here for you anytime. You will get through this and we are here to support you.
Take care Friend
Much Love
Lisa :heart:

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orrrr your girlfriend has so much trust in you now that she is able to be open with you about her feelings.
Like Lisa say, a partner also has a lot of emotions from such an event, and they sometimes keep it to themselves because they’re afraid of triggering a reoccurrence. This is a common response, and I don’t think she meant it to hurt you. And it may not be a lack of trust, but really fear and her own lack of control.

Many time we say things in a fit of emotion and can’t foresee the consequences. So we overcompensate and stay quiet, until we think all the risks are gone.

I hope you will be okay, and things can get better for you. We’re here for you!

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Hi Lisa,

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it. Yes, I think you’re very right that she’s dealing with the aftermath and definitely didn’t want to put more on me. However, of course, it must have put a lot of stress on her as well. Yeah, what you said seems exactly like what she said (i.e. not sure what to say to me because I might be triggered myself, too).

I really hope we can start being open and honest with each other. We’ve been wanting to start fresh, and I hope she wants that too. She asked for some space, so I’m not totally sure what that means right now… may I have any tips for how not to overthink and maybe panic call her? I don’t want to do that.

Thank you again Lisa, you and everyone with HeartSupport have gotten me through good and bad times. You guys are always here, thank you.

Love,
Alex

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Hi Sita,

Thank you so much for responding to my post. Perhaps you’re right. Thank you so much for that insight… I really hadn’t thought of it that way before. In the past, she couldn’t even tell me about her feelings for fear that I would just jump to “omg we’re breaking up.” Perhaps this is a step in the right direction for us both, then.

Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate you guys so much. If you also have any tips about not overthinking and preventing panic attacks, I’d be grateful as well.

Thank you again.
Love,
Alex

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Hi Alex,
I’m pleased I could help, I think most of the time we already have ideas to what is going on but it is helpful to have some suggestions from other people.
I hope too that you both can start afresh but only time will tell and you do need to give her the time she has asked for. I’m a bit of an overthinker at times too so I have found you a link to help with overthinking, think ill give that one a go when I next have the problem too.
6 Tips to Stop Overthinking | Psychology Today
Its a cross I think we all have to bare on occasions.
Looking forward to hearing from you again in the future.
Love Lisa :heart:

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Glad to help provide an alternative :slight_smile:

Take a deep breath. I have noticed when we’re stressed, we tend to carry it in our bodies. Take a few deep breaths, push back your shoulders, and just breathe for a moment. This may help you ride the tide of the first set of impulse thoughts that come.

I would say give yourself a moment to process what is being said. So often, big emotions rush in and our insecurities and fears pounce on something we hear. So what we hear is all the things we fear being told, even if the other person did not mean it that way.

So, take a moment, and say “i just want to ask a question: did you mean it this way? or did u mean it that way?”
Asking yourself “what else could this mean, that’s not so negative?” that might help.

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Hi Alex,

It sounds to me like u did scare ur gf pretty bad 3 years ago…I would suggest maybe reassureing her, Telling her it was in the past and that u are ok now and that she isnt going to lose u. Sometimes just getting that reassurance can make someone feel much better. It sounds like she really cares about u. So just tell her if she needs space shes more than welcome to it, and that nothing will happen if she does.

Much Love,
Andy

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Hi Lisa,

Thank you kindly for your suggestions. I appreciate your thoughts so much.

Alex

Hi Sita,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do when I have my own emotions and I need to make sure I’m being rational and understanding of the other person’s experiences/feelings. I really did put your ideas into action and she seems to really appreciate my clarification questions. Thank you again. <3

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Hi Andy,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I did end up telling her this, and I think it meant a lot to her- to know I’ll still be here, and she is more than welcome to the space she needs and wants. <3

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SO happy that I could help you! I’m always here if you need to bounce ideas off, of course.

I hope this has brought you two closer and opened up the communication evern more. Wishing you both the best, and I’m excited for the future for you!

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Good glad to hear it. I’m glad I can help. I hope things continue to improve for you :slightly_smiling_face:

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Hey Alex!

EsRivs responded to your topic today on our live stream with some wonderful words of encouragement!

Here is a link to the video so you can see her reply!

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