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I don't know what to do. I don't want to cry for help, but, I'm scared

I’m scared. I’m really scared, but I don’t know what I can do. Idk what to do. I can’t tell anyone, because I don’t have any evidence. Idk what to do. I’m scared. I hate living here. I hate being here. Mori knows the only option, but I don’t want to listen to them. I just want to leave.
Help.

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Hey, we’re here. It sounds like you’re in a super tough spot right now. You can post here safely if you want to talk about what has happened? It sounds like you aren’t safe, is there a friend you could go see right now?

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No friend I can see. My family never listens. I can’t even post here because I know it’s being read. Idk why this always happens to me. I’m never safe.

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You can always make a second account if you think someone would realise your name on here?

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That’s not the point, wouldn’t matter they’d find me in topics anyways and know who it was

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I can’t take this. I can’t take living every day being afraid of what could happen. Im so tired of living in such a shitty part of the earth. I’m so fucking tired of living all I want is to be left alone but no someone always finds me, someone always has a need to fucking watch me, idk wtf is wrong with people. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of living. I’m so tired of living here. I’m so tired to being a target for every little fucking thing. I can’t take this anymore…

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Hey @Systemofconfusion are you okay? If you don’t feel safe replying here you can DM as a response. I get that it sucks to be where you are but please don’t hurt yourself. Please talk to a hotline. I promise they’ll help you and I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I hope you are safe.

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I’m judt so tired of having to go through the same bullshit over and over, break down, and go back to sort of normal but the issue isn’t actually solved. I’m tired of having to keep pushing forwards all the time. I’m tired of having to wake up every day, I’m tired of having to fear my existence, always keeping an eye on everything. I’m so tired of this. I’m not just tired of being afraid. I’m tired of life repeating itself no matter how hard I try. I’m just so done with this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t. I just can’t.

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I understand and it hard to keep going. You know you don’t always have to take a step forward. You can take a break. I had to learn that the hard way. It’s okay to be tried. It’s okay to be scared just don’t hurt yourself please.

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I wish I could. I never get a break. And I never will. I have 3 tests tommrrow all in order and possibly a lab. I am never in a healthy mental state. Even when I take my meds, because the things that trigger me are so fucking real that you can’t just give someone medication to make them “feel better.” So I’ve stopped taking them. There’s no point in continuing something that isn’t helping me. All I really need is a pet but my stupid fucking family won’t even give me that. So I will continue to suffer until I eventually lose it enough and kill myself. All I’ve ever really wanted was to be left alone but all I’ve ever wanted was to share my life with someone. Because I love talking to people but it also seems that talking seems to be all it takes to put me through a mental breakdown, one little word is all it takes to put me through a pshycotic break. And since I just bottle all this up, it comes crashing down at the end of the day. Where I lose my shit. I really just want a day to stay away from people, just one day where I can hide from everything and just be alone. I can’t stand being around people it drives me insane, but when I’m happy it’s all I want to do until I run into the crazy ones. I just get triggered so fucking easily because of the past. I just want to stop existing. I don’t just not want to interact with people but even being around them stresses me the fuck out. I don’t want to hurt myself but if it comes down to it death isn’t real anyways, and the pain will pass quickly, I just have to be tired but also determined enough.

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How did you stop taking your meds? Because some meds you can’t just stop them without bad side affects. If you need to take a day off from school you should.

You really shouldn’t bottle it up. Can you at least vent here and let the bottled emotions out.

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As a very intelligent, sensitive, and loving introvert, you absolutely do need to take breaks from people on a regular basis. You need time to make peace with your thoughts. It’s no small task to keep an open heart, while protecting yourself from pain. It’s possible to do that, but I have yet to figure out a way of conveying the process. I know a part of it is, rather than bottle things up, resist emotional engagement with things that could hurt you. I know that’s much easier said than done, especially when you’re young.

Do you have access to a counselor or therapist during the times when you are most distressed? If possible, that would be a good thing to pursue.

The effect of medication is often quite subtle, but that small rebalance of brain chemistry can make just enough of a difference, that it makes life more manageable. Some medications, Zoloft for example, can take weeks before an improvement can be noticed. I don’t know what you have taken, or for how long you’ve taken it, but I hope you have given them sufficient time to help. If they are not helpful, let the doctor know, because there are a lot of options available.

There’s nothing to be scared of around here. Thank you for your inspiring compassion.

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Hey @Systemofconfusion,

We’re here, okay? You are obviously in distress, but you’re safe right now.

If you feel ready at some point, would you like to talk about what triggered you? It is indeed very frustrating to feel like going backwards because of unexpected triggers, as if the things you expected to have recovered from are actually still there, and raw. You are still progressing though. Being here, reaching out in the middle of a very stressful moment is the sign of a great strength that you’ve developped over time. In the past you may have not be able to say “there was a trigger, and here is how I react”. So, yes, right now the reaction is still there. But you understand how it works, and that alone will keep helping you in the long run to be less and less affected by what hurts you.

It’s also why I’d like to encourage you to talk about the specifics of this trigger. Talking about it can seem useless at first, but it could help you to take some distance with how you feel. When our emotions are too intense and take too much space, we can try to inject some more rational and logical thoughts in it, through conversations with safe people. We’re here for you, friend. We can try to navigate those feelings together.

To echo our friends as well on two things:

  • What type of medications you were taking? (we’re not going to enter into specifics - no one is a doctor here) And did you stop them recently? If yes, it may or may not contribute to how you feel right now, and it would be good to reach out to your doctor about it as soon as possible. The few times I forgot to take my antidepressant one day, I could tell that how I felt was actually the reminder that I forgot them, because my emotions were all over the place in a negative way.

  • It may seem useless at first, but I want to echo Kayleigh with the suggestion of creating a different account, because it’s still something you can do to give yourself a bit of peace of mind. I’ve read your other topic about the stalker, and if the idea that this person could read is stressing you, I think ensuring your safety around here a little more wouldn’t be wasted. It may not be a solution in the long run, but, right now it could be practical steps that you could take for YOU and would make you feel a little more in control. Even just a bit of peace shouldn’t be neglected.
    So, if you want - no obligation -, I suggest you to:
    1/ Create a new account with a new email, new pfp, new username.
    2/ Consider using nicknames for your headmates too. That way they couldn’t be identified as keywords.
    3/ Send a DM to the people you want to know who you really are.
    4/ I could anonymize this account and delete all the topics you’ve made - they wouldn’t be accessible through Google directly anymore.
    5/ Set your new account as private.

I would also add, and that applies to everyone here: if at anytime you have direct messages that make you uncomfortable, please, always DM them to me, another mod, or directly to an admin (Nate preferably). If someone makes you uncomfortable on the forum or share anything inappropriate privately, it would never be considered lightly. Safety is a priority, and there’s a whole team to ensure that.

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Just stopped taking them. Ik you can’t just cold turkey meds but I don’t want to take them anyways. I can’t vent enough to not give too much info, but basically it’s if one creepy thing happens my paranoia will be triggered for the rest of the day. I really don’t know what to do about it since my meds didn’t help me anyways. I’m just so pissed off I don’t want to deal with people sometimes. I can’t take a break from school because there are tests today and a lab tommrorow.

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It’s okay that you stopped taking them I just wanted to help you with any side affects you may have been feeling. If you can’t take a break tomorrow how about you take a break the after tomorrow. If you can’t deal with people you don’t have to deal with them. You can take a break until you are ready to deal with them.

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I wish I could take breaks from people, but they’re everywhere. I used to joke that I was allergic to people because of how detramental my health can get if I’m around them too much. Maybe if I could have a pet I could make peace with my thoughts, I need something to comfort me. In general though I’m always functioning as half here, some days more than others. That’s what a pet would help with too, it would remind me that I exist in this world too, and maybe ground me more to this plane of existence. My friends notice it too, and when they try to bring me back to reality I get a little irritated, because I don’t want to be here in the first place. As for keeping an open heart, I try my best but when it comes to bringing me into the matter I can’t resist the emotional engagement. Unless if I can turn my emotions off. I used to be able to do that but can’t do it anymore. It’s much easier for me to interact with people much older than me, for the fact that they understand emotions more and respect them, it’s when I’m around people younger than me is when I get extremely stressed out because the fact their brain can’t function properly enough to be aware of emotions or even be respectful of mental illnesses. Which stresses me out because it makes them unaware of their own illnesses and they become crazy bc of it bc no one’s fucking telling them what’s okay to say and do and what’s not okay to say and do. Just stresses me out.

I have a therapist but he doesn’t really help, my friends help more than him. I’ve never really found a therapist that could help, only reason he’s still my therapist is bc I’m in hopes that he can be my vouch for 6 months of gender therapy so I can get that fucking testosterone, if I can even get that far.
I’ve been taking these meds for about 3 years now, they worked at first but it ended up that I’m just taking them because I have to now, which is why I stopped bc it doesn’t help. I don’t feel like letting the doctor know because doctors never help, they can’t really do shit except be your gateway to every other medication you want to get. I’m so tired of having bad side effects to medications, and taking them in general.

I know there’s nothing to be scared of here but I’m still scared because my posts are being watched, I never get a break honestly. But I can’t really do anything about it except to hope they get bored and mind their own business again. It’s what I hate the most. When people find out about the secrets I keep they assume I just do it for attention, so I keep it hidden and I don’t tell anyone for that very reason, but they still don’t fuck off. It’s exaughsting. I sensed some change latley though, so I’m hoping that I can get a break from that. I really just hoped to find a place that I could share my issues with no one knowing but that’s impossible for me, it always has been. That at least I know. I may seem stupid to people but that’s not my problem at this point. Just means they have a lack of mental capacity to handle certain things and people.

Gotta take test now, wish me luck lol. I’mma fial bc I’ve been stressed XD

-X

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Good luck and I hope you feel better.

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Psst, I DM’ed you
Idk what risks to take, I’m more of a “better safe than sorry” due to the people I have encountered, whether it was harmless or intentional I’d rather not take the risk of being put into danger. I’m kind of tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt.

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It’s been a few good hours now and I got some rest, but as soon as I wake up the thoughts come back again and I worry. My headmates are kind of exaughsted by it and want to relax and take front but I won’t let them as long as I think we’re in danger and I can’t relax. It’s super frustrating because I’ll always know the only time I have a chance to relax is when I’m unconscious. I really wish I had a pet in situations like this, because I know it would help immensely, but my family doesn’t care enough about my mental health enough to actually want to help me so ig not.

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Is there not a way to convince your parents to get a pet? Maybe try and tell them how you it would help you?

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