I did something I truly regret and now I’m being haunted by that decision. My heart hurts daily not being able to change it, because if someone I love knew i’d lose them forever. I don’t want that because I truly would end up ending it all. But right now with this guilt I want to end it all anyways. I’m on a new insurance that pays for absolutely nothing now so I can’t afford a therapist or a doctor. I don’t know what I need but I can’t keep living life much longer like this. I don’t know if I need meds or therapy or what but I’m beyond miserable. I have cut myself off from most of the world and I’m almost always disassociated with my body anymore because I don’t want to be here. I need help so bad but I don’t know where to go.
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Welcome to Heart Support! You came to a good place to start.
I can relate to the guilt of not wanting to hurt someone with a mistake that I made. It seems like either way you’re screwed. If you do nothing, it feels like you’ll rot away from the inside until there’s a hole in your chest. If you tell them, that regret doesn’t go away, but they might. There is no easy way out of a situation like that.
This may not be what you want to hear, but the best thing you can do is come clean. It doesn’t have to be immediately. Plan it out, and get a support network in place so you don’t have to go through this alone. Dark secrets are like tumors: if you leave them alone, they’ll destroy you. If you remove them it will cause a ton of pain, a long recovery, and scars, but you will have the chance to heal in time.
What I’m hearing is that you’re trying to avoid immense pain by keeping your secret in, but in doing so you’re still in an immense amount of pain. You’re facing a tough choice between two different types of pain. I believe the difference is that one form of pain will hurt as long as you hold onto it, while the other form might eventually fade away if you let it go. We are only as sick as our secrets. If we let our secrets out, they no longer have power over us, and we no longer have to fight to keep them hidden.
As long as you hold onto your secrets, you can’t escape them and you’re enslaved by them. There may be bad consequences to letting them out, and things may not work out the way you want them to, but they will work out the way they need to. In the meantime, lean on your friends, family, and groups like this one. You don’t have to go through this alone. Hold fast.
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