I had to pull back from this friendship cause I’m scared of getting attached. I’m scared to death of ruining something good because of my abandonment issues and anxiety when it comes to friends and relationships.
I’m up against someone who seems mentally stable and secure in themselves. They have a life and I expect anything from them especially since their younger than me. All I feel is shame for being their friend. I don’t deserve someone like that.
Told a little white lie last night about wanting to sleep early cause I was tired. I didn’t want to tell them the whole truth cause I didn’t want to talk about it or start a convo, I just wanted to run away.
I deleted my discord, but not my account so I won’t be tempted to check in. I want to be alone. And now I feel safe but at the same time I miss them. A mixture of calm and sadness and a bit of anxiety.
I know they’re not responsible for my feelings are emotional reactions and I know they’ve done nothing wrong and I don’t blame them for anything. I take all the blame for myself. It’s my fault that I continue to overthink.
This also brings the theory that I like being sick because its the only way I get my needs met. I don’t get as much positive comments and attention when I’m talking about progress or good news. My brain kinda self sabotages itself. But before I can seek that attention, I run away and hide, so that my external world doesn’t feed it.
I’m painfully self aware in a body that doesn’t want to heal. No matter what knowledge I gather about myself, it gets lost, my mind ignores it, or an event triggers a negative self belief that takes over. Then I forget everything in that moment because I can’t breathe and my skin itches, and i’m so upset.
I’m meant to be alone forever.
I refuse to get hurt or hurt other people anymore. It became so painful that I’ve started to numb my emotions a little bit