I don't know what to do in this situation

[Amaris]

I had to pull back from this friendship cause I’m scared of getting attached. I’m scared to death of ruining something good because of my abandonment issues and anxiety when it comes to friends and relationships.

I’m up against someone who seems mentally stable and secure in themselves. They have a life and I expect anything from them especially since their younger than me. All I feel is shame for being their friend. I don’t deserve someone like that.

Told a little white lie last night about wanting to sleep early cause I was tired. I didn’t want to tell them the whole truth cause I didn’t want to talk about it or start a convo, I just wanted to run away.

I deleted my discord, but not my account so I won’t be tempted to check in. I want to be alone. And now I feel safe but at the same time I miss them. A mixture of calm and sadness and a bit of anxiety.

I know they’re not responsible for my feelings are emotional reactions and I know they’ve done nothing wrong and I don’t blame them for anything. I take all the blame for myself. It’s my fault that I continue to overthink.

This also brings the theory that I like being sick because its the only way I get my needs met. I don’t get as much positive comments and attention when I’m talking about progress or good news. My brain kinda self sabotages itself. But before I can seek that attention, I run away and hide, so that my external world doesn’t feed it.

I’m painfully self aware in a body that doesn’t want to heal. No matter what knowledge I gather about myself, it gets lost, my mind ignores it, or an event triggers a negative self belief that takes over. Then I forget everything in that moment because I can’t breathe and my skin itches, and i’m so upset.

I’m meant to be alone forever.

I refuse to get hurt or hurt other people anymore. It became so painful that I’ve started to numb my emotions a little bit

[Ashwell]

Hi Amaris.
I understand how you feel. This is something that people with BPD deal a lot. i dont know if you have ever been diagnosed but you have a lot of the symptoms associated. Even though it seems painful please reinstal your discord and continue being friends with them. I think they might really worry about you. They might wonder what they did wrong or what happened to you. Please try to be there with them. Be who you are and when you feel comfortable show them your more sensitive sides. You can tell them that you have mental health issues and leave it at that if you want. I think you are being a good friend to them and if you like hanging out then there is no reason not to be friends. You deserve a good friend and they deserve a good caring friend such as yourself. You are being too critical of yourself. They are your friend because they WANT to be your friend. They like you. Please get back in touch with them. You both deserve each other

[Mystrose]

What you’re doing it called Splitting. You’re ending the friendship and everything associated with it, like Discord. It’s a defense mechanism and it’s part of the fear of abandonment.

I’m going to leave you before you leave or I mess up the friendship.

It’s a very common symptom of the fear of abandonment. Maybe you can check out this video on it and see if you can relate. I know it talks a lot about BPD, but this is also a symptom of ADHD which you’ve said you’ve been diagnosed with.

[Amaris]

Been considering therapy since yesterday but I really don’t want to get my family involved. Didn’t have a good experience getting diagnosed with depression while my mom present. She made things really hard for me and she still holds on to a lot stereotypes about depressed people. Stifled my growth and hated myself a lot more after the diagnosis. Also I don’t trust her to get a therapist for me. Cause last time, I had a mental breakdown where I was just laughing and I couldn’t answer any questions.

The therapist didn’t know what to do so we stopped therapy. The person that I was supposed to trust, frustrated me and I dreaded the days she came to my house.