I haven’t been very active lately because I can’t find the words I want to say. My reality is a bit off.
I’m just feeling disconnected from the world lately more than usual. It feels like I’m just watching myself from a distance and I don’t feel a part of anything. Simple things I do don’t really feel real to me and I really don’t know how to put it into words that make sense.
I’m just going thru the motions of life but I don’t feel in it.
That chronic emptiness is with me all the time and I try to ignore it by being who people need me to be. If they need me to be happy, I’m happy. If they need me to hear them, then I let them talk. I can be whoever they need me to be, but it’s all on the outside.
I’m sure this isn’t making any sense to anyone, so I’ll just leave it at that.
I think I know how you feel. There are times when I feel in a similar way. I want to tell you that I can see you are helping so many people here. You matter and you are real. Even tho it might not feel that way.
What do you think might be causing these states. It might be your medication. Try talking to your doctor about it. They might know whats up. I hope it will get better in time. Remember that you matter. You deserve to feel better. You deserve to be happy.
How you feel makes sense, @Mystrose, and I’m grateful that you’ve taken some time to put words on it. I recognize myself through your words. Though to be honest, I don’t allow myself to think about it too much because I am scared of the conclusions it would lead me to. There is some momentary relief in putting ourselves out of ourselves, in functioning on some kind of automatic/mimicking mode, as it allows us to not focus too much on what’s inside. Numbness is scary. Emptiness too. It gives this feeling, that you describe very well, of being separated from everyone and everything, stuck in a place that no one else has access to. Though maybe if we realize that we’re multiple people feeling alone in a similar spot, then we’re not as alone that it seems? <3
I think it is very brave to take the time to slow down and acknowledge that state, even if you didn’t decide it in the first place. It’s honest. And whether or not you’d have your answers right now regarding how to deal with that emotional emptiness in a healthy way, you are not pushing it away when you type those words.
I’d echo @Ashwell question as a start - What could be the root causes of these feelings? Have you noticed patterns of thoughts or events when you feel that way? Are you affected by the change of seasons/weather too? (if that’s the case where you live).
You’re loved, friend. Side note as well, please don’t be worried about your level of activity either. We all do as we can, when we can. The priority is always to make sure that we are okay and we take care of ourselves. There’s absolutely no requirement in terms of the amount of time we spend connecting with others. And if there’s a place where we know how it feels to go through seasons of life, it’s here.
I’ve been experiencing dissociation; it’s one of the main symptoms of BPD.
In broad terms, dissociation represents a disconnect between your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, perceptions, memories and identity. Some of the experiences that go along with it include depersonalization, derealization, amnesia, identity confusion, and identity alteration.
They tell me it’s caused by stress and its associated with PTSD.
I’m not certain what exactly is causing this to happen recently, but it’s very unnerving. I’ve found chat conversations with people that I don’t remember having and I apparently I watched a movie the other night with my man and I don’t remember one second of it. I don’t do anything bad unless I get triggered during an episode, then all my coping skills go out the door. This hasn’t happened in a long time, so let’s hope it doesn’t.
Chronic emptiness (yet another BPD trait) causes instability in identity and causes a disconnect from the world. I need to get myself into therapy so I can learn how to combat this, because I can’t do it by myself. Sometimes, I feel so empty that I just can’t function even tho I go thru the motions of being OK on the outside to everyone around me. I feel like I’m inside a glass jar with a tight lid, barely able to breathe while the world outside the jar moves around me. Once in awhile something bumps into me and I feel ok for a little while, but I always end up back inside the jar.
Thank you @Sita. You’re such a big support for everyone here and I for one appreciate you very much.
Normally, I would have not said I didn’t remember posting because it’s embarrassing, but the support here is safe and non-judgmental. I feel like I can just say what’s in my heart here and that’s so therapeutic.
I’m sorry, I meant to acknowledge this as well. Thank you @Micro You always have a way of calming my insecurities with being apart of this community. Up until finding this community, I’ve always felt like I was being watched and judged for the stigma of BPD. I’ve just never found this type of support, so I’m just scared of loosing it, I need to get rid of that baggage.