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I don't know what to think

Since I’ve lived at home, I’ve wanted to do what I could to move out. I loved living on my own in college, and I miss having that freedom. My parents have always been pretty supportive of me moving out and supporting myself. But now that I actually have a job that will allow me to move out (and to move to any city I want), the discussions on moving out have changed in tone. I’m not sure what to think of a lot of it.
I have a lot of cousins and friends who have asked and offered for me to be roommates with them. They all would be great roommates. I can move back to the city I used to live at or to the city my parents might be moving to. I want to move back to the city I lived in during college. It’s the most familiar, I left a lot of friends there, and I honestly just love the area. The closet family would be 3 hours away, and my parents aren’t ok with that. I would understand if it were just a safety concern. But they keep telling me how its super important to be close to family and how it’s the right thing to do. They said that it’s not normal to willingly move far away from family. Thing is, I’ve never in my life have lived close to family. Both sides of my family are spread out across the country (some even live out of country). So I don’t think it’s fair to say how wrong I am to live away from family when I wasn’t raised to live by family.
My parents also tried to say how moving far away from them would be like me shutting them out of my life. I had the healthiest relationship with my parents when I was away from home. I was able to set boundaries that benefited the relationship. My parents even acknowledged that fact. We had better communication than ever before. I don’t get those boundaries living at home. And I know if I lived close by, I would struggle harder to keep them.
One thing I also liked was that I couldn’t go to a church my parents or other family members pastored at. I could go to the church I wanted and choose how involved I wanted to get. My parents and family have been saying how if I move close to them, I could do all these different ministries and get involved and meet a husband. When listing reasons he’s enjoyed me home, my dad said that I’m “so helpful around church and home” and other reasons that involve me doing something. I don’t want to constantly feel like I have to perform and do everything for them. It bothers me that my parents want me home or nearby them for that reason.
My parents also said it was different when my older brother moved out and they are more bothered by me moving out than him. I get it kinda hits different because I’m their daughter, but it’s not fair to try to limit what I can do and where I live. It seems like my parents are proud of my brother for “being a man” and making a life for himself while they want me to stay around and let them make a life for me.
I don’t know what to think about all of this really. I don’t want family to be hurt about wanting to live where my friends are. I never wanted to move back to my college town to avoid family. I want to pick up some of the life I left behind when I had to move back home. But I also don’t want to live with my cousins out of guilt. I feel like I’m being manipulated to living with my cousins, and it’s not at all my cousins’ fault. I get my parent’s are concerned, but I don’t think living close by is healthy right now.


I think you know the answer Beth, you just want a little reassurance that it’s not being selfish :slight_smile: and it’s not selfish to do what’s best and most healthy for you!

Oh friend, parents are funny creatures sometimes. There is still sometimes the expectation that the male kids have to go out and conquer while the female ones stay home and take care of the roost and keep the parents happy and comfortable. Sounds like some old timey beliefs are colouring your parents’ treatment of you vs your brother. It is in no way right to make you feel guilty for doing for what your brother did.

It could also be that there is a certain level of selfishness that your parents are displaying . They EXPECT you to stay at home and take care of home and church stuff, they will have to readjust and probably do more, be more responsible for the things you did. They selfishly want things to be easy FOR THEM, not really thinking about how much you will benefit from more boundaries, greater distance, freedom to grow and thrive. That is NO REASON to give up on your dreams of moving.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE the hope and freedom you express in having a choice of where to go, and who to live closer to! If you’ve never lived near family, then there is no reason for that to be a criterion now.

You’ve been waiting for this moment for a while now. Don’t let anyone keep you in a cage now - neither physically (by demanding you live with person x or y, if you don’t want to) nor emotionally/mentally (making you feel guilty).


Hey beth_the_fake_ginger,

EsRivs responded to your post live on stream with some wonderful words of encouragement and support,

Here is a link to the video so you can hear her reply!


Hey beth_the_fake_ginger!

Megs26 also took some time to respond to your post live on our stream!

Here is a link to her reply so you can hear it as well,