Thank you so much for being here and sharing what’s on your heart.
I tend to paint and I just always find the worse things about my paintings.
Painting can be such a powerful outlet to learn to know yourself better, but also just to learn to be patient with yourself. A good thing with creativity in general is that you are 100% allowed to try and fail. And even more… you are welcome to do so! Because it’s a lot about learning and practicing. But through all of this, it’s about having pleasure before anything else. Pleasure in what you’re doing, learning, progressing, and just enjoying the process of sitting down and painting on a blank canvas.
I’m super good at beating myself up when I try to create something. I believe it’s horrible, so I get frustrated at myself and then I just throw away what I was doing. Sometimes I have to be more gentle with myself than ever and allow myself to make mistakes, because I can learn from it. Which is exciting when we think about it. It’s a process, and there’s always something new to learn depending on what is appealing to us. Just with painting, there are infinite possibilities to do something you’d enjoy. And not just to produce a result. It’s certainly not about performing here, but doing something you like.
I’m just tired and I dont know what to do .
You started to acknowledge how you feel and what’s going on in your life. Now, to understand why you feel that way, it could be interesting to talk about it both to a doctor (so you could eventually do a medical checkup - we’re slowly entering in winter in some countries and it can affect our body/mood a lot sometimes) and a therapist. There are professionals who are equipped to navigate those emotions with you but especially to help you understand what’s going on. It’s totally okay to ask for help when times are tough. We all go through difficult seasons in our life and sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint why.
I feel like I’m faking everything from me crying to wanting to self harm to everything.
Believing that you’re faking everything is a way to deny what you’re feeling. As you don’t know the reason behind those emotions, it might be a little disturbing to feel those at first. You wonder what’s going on, as you said, “what’s wrong with” you. A first step to understand that would be to learn to accept that how you feel is okay and doesn’t make you stupid or guilty of anything. There is nothing wrong with you. You are just navigating some deep emotions lately, and it’s important in these circumstances to receive the support you need. You don’t have to deal with this by yourself.