For as long as I can remember I felt…not normal but it started to get worse later on. My childhood was a mess, I lived on a farm with my other family and helped dig things like potatoes with my bare hands in high heat when I was only 4, I always got excluded from any groups in school or other places with kids my age. I never actually had a friend in real life. I never received gratitude from others but I did get scolded a lot.
I was naive and didn’t think much of it, but it kept coming back to me and reminded me of how my own cousins, uncles and aunts would bully me and call me ‘not normal’ in many malicious ways.
I never fit in, I felt and still feel like a freak. That there’s nowhere I belong. That everywhere I go everyone is talking bad things about me, when I meet someone I already know they think I’m a nuisance and a annoying kid. I try to talk as less as possible, all because I know everyone will disown me, make fun of me.
I get thrown off of reality more and more often, I stand back and look around me and feel as if nothing is real, that nothing I’ll do will matter, I don’t matter at all.
I tortured myself by living and trying to pursue a dream of creating my own animated show but I know it’ll never happen.
I have no talent or skill in anything.
I will achieve nothing, everyone else is always better.
I can’t tell if I’m alive or not, if something is moving or not.
I can hear people call my name, call me named but I see no one doing so. I can hear people telling me how worthless I am
Why can’t I sleep, something is keeping me up awake all night. All my dreams are in only black and white, and there I am in my dreams. Standing in a place with every place that brought me pain merged together into a horrid mess, all placed in the middle of endless pure white desert. Above me is no sun, or moon. There’s no real light in there. Each time I remember a dream they leave a bad taste in my mouth. They keep waking me up multiple times over and over again
Every day I am in constant fear and state of paranoia
I fear that something bad will happen to me, someone else or my family and it’ll be all my fault if I won’t suffer at least once every day. I never stop stressing about absolutely everything, even the most insignificant things.
I don’t think there was a one single day that I told myself that I look pretty or found myself to be a okay person. I can only see a disgusting creature who’s incredibly ungrateful and useless.
I don’t deserve anything in this world, no money, no attention, nothing.
I tried taking my own life before but alas it didn’t work.
I tried running away but still came back.
This coward right here can’t do anything right
Now that I am in university it all gets worse and worse.
I work as much as I possibly can to earn money to afford everything, yet I cannot focus. Ever. I panic all the time but I try my hardest to stay calm
You can think that I am annoying and fake. That I should just leave but at least whatever
Nothing seems to matter anymore