I don't know, what's going on with me?

[apea]

I have trouble speaking in front of everybody.

I can talk to my classmates and stuff, I have humor, I can laugh, and such. But when it comes to giving presentations or talking in front of everybody, I don’t know why but my voice won’t come out, it hurts, my body’s trembling, my heart’s is like being squeezed so hard, I can’t control my breathing then having a hard time to breathe it almost feels like I could die, then there’s sudden tears, and then there’s chaos, just chaos inside my head.

They always said it to me, “Just relax”, “Just think like you’re talking with friends”, etc. They said it so many times that I always feel annoyed and so irritated everytime they say those words. I tried, really, every single time, I tried. But the results are the same everytime. It really hurts. I just want them to stop, I’m so tired of hearing those words.

I asked so many people, but they always answered that I only don’t have confidence. Which doesn’t really make sense. I remember that I still could do all of those things a few years ago. And I don’t have problems talking to teachers, and classmates.

Speaking of a few years ago, I remember that I hurt myself, causing a permanent scars on my left wrist. Eventually my dad found out, he cried, and I felt really guilty. I told him not to tell my mom, but he did anyways. But, my mother’s reaction wasn’t the quite reaction I was hoping for. She yelled at me, “Can’t you just be normal like other people?!”

I’m confused. I don’t understand. Am I not normal? Is begging for the comforting words from my parents isn’t normal? Is wanting to be told “You can continue to live”, “You have to live” isn’t normal?

Ever since that day, I never really talk to my parents. Well, no, it’s always been like this. They ignore me, or when they try to talk to me, they just don’t get what I’m saying, it’s like I’m an alien trying to talk in human language.

Until this day, I’m still feeling guilty, to those people who’ll be my partner for presentations, because me and everybody knows that my voice won’t come out, and it will only make them embarrassed, right? and I’m feeling guilty for my parents, if they found out that I’m like this, surely they’ll think that I’m just being a drama queen and just wanting attention. I’m always nervous and non-stop worrying about “tomorrow”. “How am I going to keep myself alive for tomorrow?”, “Oh, there’s a presentation tomorrow, should I just die? That’ll make it easier for them.”

I did a lot of tests on google, and most of the results said that I have severe anxiety. I choose not to believe it, because… I’m afraid. No one would believe me, neither do I. And because I know that people around me won’t or don’t know how to help.

There’s a lot that I want to say, but it’ll take a long time, so I’m just going to hold it in.

I’m so sorry for the mess and long message, I’m not calm right now so I don’t know what I’m writing anymore.

[Solemnis]

Hello @apea Welcome to our HeartSupport community! Thank you for opening up and sharing here what is going on in your life. That is very brave of you to do so.

I am so sorry to hear that your parents reacted in a bad way after finding out about your self harm. It is understandable though for your father to talk to your mother about this. But her reaction is not okay at all, blaming you for being in so much pain and telling you to be more “normal”. It might be that they were just overwhelmed with the situation and didn’t know how to deal with it properly. Honestly I would guess that most parents don’t know how to handle a situation like this appropriately. When my sister found out I was self harming at the age of 17 or 18 she also scolded me. She told me to “just stop that”, only people who were really sick would do that. That is not very helpful. So I can fully understand your confusion.

Parents are supposed to have your back and support you when you need them. I’m sorry that because of that you don’t feel safe enough with your parents anymore to share your struggles with them. I want you to know that you are not to blame, you don’t need to feel guilty. You are the one who is suffering. Your father crying just shows how much he cares and that he’s very sad and feels helpless. Your mother yelling probably means the same thing, but both of them were overwhelmed and couldn’t understand what was happening. I don’t know if you feel like an open honest conversation with them would improve the situation. Wanting to be comforted is a natural reaction when you’re hurting. You are not a drama queen seeking attention. Your struggles are not “made up”.

I can relate to being afraid to speak in front of a group of people. Whenever I had to give a presentation at school in front of the class, I just wished I would become invisible and disappear. My body and my voice were also shivering. I hated speaking in front of a group of people. Social anxiety is real and can be crippling. Anxiety can also develop in areas where you didn’t have problems before. But it can be treated.
Nothing is wrong with you, it’s not that you are not normal. You are just in pain and need a little bit of help.

Have you thought about talking to a therapist? I would strongly recommend it. They can help you through your anxiety and probably also help you better the relationship between you and your parents if you wish to do so.

Please remember, you are not alone in your struggles. This is a safe place and you are appreciated and loved.

[ManekiNeko]

From: ManekiNeko

welcome to heart support! Thank you for sharing what’s going on, gosh that’s hard. My heart really resonated with you. My parents were similar, being told to just suck it up and stop being dramatic. Really you’re not being dramatic, you’re having feelings towards certain areas that make you uncomfortable. Everyone at some stage has a fear and nobody can control or tell you that your fear is more irrational than anyone else’s fear.

I don’t know how your presentation works, but when we did groups at school different people had different skills. Some people liked finding information, some liked being able to format and reference it and others liked presenting it. We would put in a “credit” of who did what to make the presentation come together. It helped people who weren’t comfortable being in the limelight be able to still be an important part of the team without them having that fear of speaking in front of everyone.

I’m sorry things didn’t go so smoothly when you spoke to your parents. Sometimes their fears over power the needs of the child. The panic sets in and blindsides them. Have you got some good teachers at school or even a school counsellor that you would feel more comfortable talking to? You’ve got it seems some misplaced guilt and while it’s so kind of you to be thoughtful of others, you’re feeling like you’re going to prevent them from being able to do their best work too.
Please feel free to come and share whenever you need. I hope this week is easier on you

[Manni]

From: Manni XP - Snow Edition

Thank you for sharing this here. You’re welcome to write as much as you need - we’re here for it! I’m so sorry that your mother responded in that way. Regardless of how normal it is, what you’re dealing with is Valid and you deserve support from the people in your life. While your parents might not understand what you’re going through, there are people who do understand and know that you have zero fault for what you’re going through. You have zero fault. Even extroverted, confident go-getters can have trouble talking in front of people, and forcing oneself into an uncomfortable situation naturally results in distress. You’re welcome to talk about this sort of thing here any time. It may be worth looking into resources at your school - they may help you directly, or they may be able to establish some lenience with group presentations.

[DustintheWind]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, apea, and welcome to the community! Thank you for sharing your story with us

Public speaking is so difficult especially with anxiety. I always hated presenting in class and struggled a lot too. I know that you don’t want to admit you may have anxiety because you are afraid but that won’t make it go away. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s true. To quote my favourite book series, “Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.” Accepting that you have anxiety can only help you. Even if you don’t tell others, and even if no one believes you. You can understand yourself better. And with the internet and places like this you can share about it and find people like you and people who can help.

waves I have anxiety. I always have and I’ve always struggled to do presentations in school. I always made the powerpoints and did as little actual talking as possible. I loved making powerpoints and hated presenting. It was a bit of a double-edged sword. But I was lucky enough to have group members who knew I didn’t like presenting who would step in when I needed them to. And I know that you said you feel guilty like you are hurting the others in your group but in my experience the presentation part usually isn’t graded as a whole and each speaker is graded on their own performance. Hopefully that’s the same for your school and can make you feel less guilty about the groups you are a part of.

As for your mother: Normal does not exist and to wish for a normal child is a horrible thing to say and I am sorry that she would think let alone say something so cruel and blatantly false. You are a unique individual and everything about who you are should be nurtured and cherished.

I hope you come back and share with us again. I look forward to reading more about your journey in the future. Good luck in school

[Swimcoach]

No need to be sorry.
What you feel is real. It is reasonable.

Everyone wants and needs to be seen and heard and loved, particularly from their parents.

You are probably afraid you will be rejected if you talk during your presentation. That is normal. You haven’t learned from those you love that whatever you do is perfect. Is good. Is all that is needed.

But it is. And maybe, just maybe, you have another gift to bring to the presentation. Perhaps your writing skills or your graphic skills or your intellect. Let the other partner speak and you run the slides. That is okay. That is good. That is enough.

One step. Take only one step and that is enough. You are enough.

You can do this at your own pace. One small win at a time.

I believe in you.

[Victoria7]

Hi

Dont worry you are normal more than 50% of the world has stage fright and im also one of them i know the feeling of having to do presentations everyone is staring at you its normal, now im sure you heard this before but everyone handles problems differently but there are right ways of doing it have you considered a therapist?

[apea]

Hello, thank you for the reply!

I have! But again, how can I go when my parents don’t believe me… But it’s okay! Thank you so much!