I dont know whats wrong

Hello again :slightly_smiling_face:
I did not want to post a post that might be quite depressing because I did not want to ruin the positivity I tried to share today but a friend encouraged me to do so, to get some support. Thank you friend :upside_down_face:.

So what is this gonna be about. Well. For those who saw my post about studying and procrastinating, I am making progress. I have learned more today, did some shoping and even was able to focus on playing a game for a while. Thats good right? So why am I posting then? Well I still feel shitty. As shitty as yesterday. I feel empty and just meh. I feel like there is this huge void inside me that just consumes. I am trying to fill it with studying, games, music but nothing really works. I cant figure out what is wrong.

  1. Physical activity? yes I go on walks and to the gym.
  2. Productivity? It is better and I studied much more today. so thats better.
  3. Meaningful activity? Heartsupport and supporting people.
  4. Contact with people? I have some amazing friends here on Heartsupport and also my family that I talk to.
  5. I have enough food, water and stuff too.
  6. I try to enjoy the little things like coffee and a new cardigan , playing a game but it either fails and feels like a chore or it fills a void a little and then fades, making me feel worse.

I dont know what to do. I am at my wits end. I take my meds, I try to be healthy and and… I dont know. I am just so empty and meh and just disnterested… I dont know what to do.

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Hey Ashwell, Im gonna throw something out there and if im wrong then well, you will tell me wont you cos we have that sort of relationship where you can. lol
I read this post and I immediately could relate to it. (maybe not the gym Yuck) but in all seriousness I do all the things I need to do to keep myself alive, I take care of my home, my and look out for my Mum. I like you do the Heart support thing but I too have moments when I feel a massive emptiness that I cant and dont know how to fill and I have come to the conclusion that it is a emptiness of all the things I havent tried or done because I am to frightened to, all the things I do are things that are in my comfort zone and correct me if im wrong but yours sound like they might be too?? its just a theory, so maybe thats it, maybe doing something new and completely out of the comfort zone is the thing that will fill that empty feeling?? who know, guess you wont unless you try? I know you are brave enough, I howerver am not so lol let me know how it goes xxxx

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Thank you for showing us your heart @Ashwell. The positivity you shared is intact and well, and it is enhanced by your vulnerability shown here, not diminished!

While reading this post, I was struck by one idea and it’s gonna be a weird one :smiley:
have you ever tried buying a fountain? As random and silly as it sounds, the emptiness you’ve described here seems like the exact “hole in the soul” sensation that I find can be soothed by the sound of water. I think nature is pretty magical though, so that’s probably why!

I’m glad that you’re doing all the things, and trying hard to stay on top of it.
Might as well try adding some daily water sounds to your life (as gentle or violent as needed, sometimes crashing waves are needed, sometimes gurgling stream, even the cat’s drinking fountain is enough hehe).

The benefit of real-life water feature though is the sort of cleansing effect I think it has. If it’s affordable where you are, maybe you can try one for your cats at first and see if it brings a sort of “vestigial” soothing. (might be the wrong word but it feels right lol)

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Hello there,

I agree with Lisa & Sita, because I was going to mention the things that they already suggested to you. After reading your post, I feel like you are just checking off boxes and you aren’t doing something that brings you joy. Maybe you could find a new hobby that you have thought about doing but put it off for whatever reasons, maybe you could do something you got out of the habit of doing and what to try again or something along those lines.

I believe that we never stop learning and growing. Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to support you. You are loved. You are worthy. You are important. You are valid. You matter.

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Question, so, you say alot of the time that you feel empty, do you also ever have feelings of being discconected from reality? Or feeling like you aren’t real and nothing’s real? If so do you think these could be affecting your emotions? A big part of depression and DR-DP is that they get mixed up because they can overlap and I’m wondering if your feelings of emptiness also contain a feeling of “unrealness”. The disorders can also go hand in hand making both disorders more difficult to identify between but you can usually identify via sensations. And stuff like motivation can also corelate to ADHD, just a thing to keep in mind if you feel like it may be more. If not, then do you think you could ask yourself, deeply, what would help you? What would make you truly happy? What do you need that hieghten your sense of wellbeing? I know how hard it is for you, and how much you struggle daily, but there is a solution and I feel like there is just something missing that hasn’t been figured out yet. Whether it’s the wrong medication, wrong diagnosis and it’s something deeper, or just a diet needed changing. I beleive that if you felt a good feeling once you can feel it again, and if you’ve felt fuffiled once and you’ve achieved something once, you can do it a 100 more times. I beleive in you, we all do <3

Lisaw also has a point, sometimes you have to push yourself to rid those fears and take control of life. And I know how hard it is beleive me. Sita also has an AMAZING IDEA!!! look up “Inscense waterfall burner” on Amazon you’ll be in love!!!~ it’ll be super relaxing and calm you a bit. Scents are known to relax a vibe and setting. Clear not only the air but the emotional aura around you.

So, I’m sure you know this already but, the brain is a CPU. It’s a pattern of thinking that repeats itself without awareness, it doesn’t see or hear or smell or taste, that’s what you do. It’s in charge of reading thought patterns and reacting to them in whatever it thinks is the best decision. With disorders, it’s when the brain is giving you an improper thought pattern because it thinks it’s doing the right thing, “stupid brain” you’ll say. Well, you can train it if you’re determined enough. If you’ve tried this though, then I will move on to the next thing.

Something I’ve learned tonight, it happened by accident from a conversation I was having with my systemmates, it was scary at first but then we learned it could be used as a tool. I’ve learned it’s also a meditation method from an online friend. This is a bit of what they said that I edited a bit: Take a moment to relax your body and mind, and then think to yourself, deeply as you can, like you are speaking to yourself. Ask yourself a few questions, “How do you feel about yourself?” “What do you want?” “What motivates you?” “What do you feel/ What would help you feel something?” Not “me” say “you” 2nd person. You will start to feel like a bit of a stranger to yourself and dissconnect from your brains thought patterns into just your awareness by hyperrealizing your existence and yourself. Rather than stress out for freak out from this, use it to your advantage don’t fear it. Then you can tackle the more abstract or deeper-rooted things. Instead of the physical stress, you get stuff popping up that you were not aware of or emotions that you were holding back. And all you have to do is ask about it. It will take time, its like a process of discovering things you really deeply want or weren’t aware of or consciously able to accept. The rest of the time it’s just working through the process and using this disconnect between yourself, and the body impulses to your advantage to reinforce for yourself that you are not the body or the brain, and that depression/etc is only partially rooted in your own needs.

Of course, the idea is not to do this just once or twice, it’ll be a habit. You will be disconnecting from all extra brain pattern impulses that aren’t necessarily yours or “you” and being with just your awareness, willing to ask yourself questions even if you aren’t sure or don’t get an answer. It’s like learning to give yourself permission to ask, to have or not have an answer, to come up with an answer all on your own, working with the awareness you have of yourself and your existence and accepting it and loving it. I know you’re trying to practice meditation, and the core of meditation, or at least the way it’s practiced, is to let feelings and thoughts go by and to learn to judge less - yourself, your thoughts, other people, etc - and to learn what is and isn’t “you”. And also focus on your emotional connections and why they’re important. Be at peace with your questions as again- youre learning to give yourself permission to find an answer or make an answer. You do this enough times and it may help with the depression.

For the basic start of the meditation (before you
get into the nitty gritty or to just start out with) -

  1. Sit down, find a comfortable position to sit in. You can lay down if you won’t fall asleep.
  2. Breathe in a fashion that is long and slow, but comfortable. You don’t have to count if you don’t want to.
  3. Close your eyes OR softly “focus” your eyes on a blank wall, or object, etc. the goal is either to remove visual stimuli or to allow yourself to visually “zone out”.
  4. Continue breathing. Obviously.
  5. If you want to, do a form of progressive relaxation. Start from the toes and move up the body or from the scalp and move down. Relax each part of your body by releasing tension in whatever way makes sense and doesn’t involve much movement.
  6. Continue breathing and not focusing. If you’re not experienced with meditation, repeat this step and eventually “bring yourself back up”.

As a beginner, your goal is to sit there and let thoughts occur without interacting with them.
Same with emotions, same with anything intrusive. When you’re doing this, keep an eye on any reactions you have. Notice them but don’t judge. Practice that process for a while. You don’t have to do it for long, even five minute sessions are good. It will be tough depending on the mental health issues you suffer, etc etc but you can eventually get the hang of it. Once you have this down you have your starting point for anything else.

You can take a bit of time in the meditation to think about the people you care about and why they’re in your life. It’ll help refine emotional associations about others and yourself, remind you that you’re real and you are not alone. And there’s more to the world than what’s on your mind.

One good one that also might help you is “Void” Meditation. Imagine this light white or gold light hole, and when intrusive thoughts come in imagine them being passively sucked into the light hole dissapearing into it wrapped in peace and light after youve noticed them. Maybe even imagine how the enviroment sounds, the crystals of the stars clinging like wind chimes. Somewhere safe. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere that isn’t going to judge you or hurt you, and take all those judgements and letting go of them into that light hole. The idea is that these intrusive thoughts are not intrinsically you, and working on this will help with your depression and emotional disregulation.

You don’t have to do it for long, even five minute sessions may help for a start and will help hook onto the attention span of the brain. You could start at nighttimes or mornings, getting into the habit slowly starting from 5 minutes to 30 to however long you need. The more you can do it, the more you will form an association with meditation as a good positive, calming thing, and it’ll be easier to get to. Stronger associations lower the effort/initiation cost. If you ever feel like you can’t focus, try thinking about it as positive as possible. Even a minute of breathing and relaxing is a starting point for consistency. You want to create a hook rather than go deep.

I hope this helps and makes sense for you. I truly do wish so so much for you to get better, I know you can do it. And I know how much you deserve it. You have so much potential in you that you’re capable of. You have so much worth and love and passion. We all love you and beleive in you.

With love,
-X,K

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Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. And for me, its because i cant seem to get out of a pattern. You need diversity in your every day life. Be spontaneous. Also, there might be something underlying that’s bothering you. You may think you know how you feel about a certain situation, but there are so many layers, and maybe a fear was trigger inside you.

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So, we talked about Anhedonia, I’ll give you a video from Kati. It answered some stuff for me, so I think it might for you too. :rose:

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Dear @Ashwell,

What you describe is 100% how I personally experience anhedonia and fatigue during depressive episodes. It’s so frustrating because you do the work but you don’t get the reward of pleasure, fun, excitement or fulfillment from all those things. We can read all these long recommendations in books and online but it always seems to miss the point that enjoyment is out of the picture. As much as it might be good for slightly depressed people, it doesn’t work the same when we have a clinical depression. We can have 10 or even 100 hobbies, we can do the things we know we used to like before, yet we would still feel empty. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m so sorry that this apathy and numbness is something you’ve been experiencing for so long and so often. I so want you to smile and feel the joy of it. To feel connected to the warmth of your coffee not just at an intellectual level, but also an emotional one. To feel the enjoyment of games as if you were 10 yrs old again. You deserve that so much. It’s unfair to feel like most of the time we are wandering like shadows of our own life.

I hope you keep in mind that this is not your fault. Our brains are wired a certain way and that is not something anyone asks for. Thankfully, neuroplasticity is also a reality, although it might require from time to time to shift a bit your strategy. As you have said, what is supposed to be daily life activities tend to feel like a chore, just tasks on a list that have to be checked. Growth/healing fatigue is real too. We know what is good for us, but at some point everything feels like a meaningless chore and there’s just too many boxes to check.

Do you think and feel like the things you do, the hobbies you try, the projects you have are absolutely yours? Or does it stems from an unsaid pressure or obligation? In your list there are fundamental needs that have to be maintained no matter what. Kind of the first and last layer of activity whether you feel okay or not. But for all the things that are not of that category, are they things you want to do, or things you think that have to be done? I know it’s a subtle difference that is hard to identify when we feel numb, but I would like to encourage you to take some time to ask yourself if the things you do are part of what you envision as being a good/ideal life, part of the life you would like to have, or if it could be the result of another voice, standard, person, etc.

Echoing @Lisaw1973 on that matter, maybe there is a need for some discomfort to be felt by trying out things you might be afraid to do (nothing unhealthy or risky of course). If you had a magic wand, what are the things you would like to immediately change in your life? (either to remove and/or to implement). There’s no stupid or silly response to that. Feeling numb and empty can stems from a profound dissatisfaction that is met with a sense of helplessness. Somehow, that’s also what depression is all about. We are convinced that some changes would be absolutely impossible to implement in our life, that some perspective and goals can be attained for others but not us because we would be personally limited. Exploring your heart in that depth can be uncomfortable and scary, or even revive unwanted emotions. If you’d like to dive into it with the help of friends though, we are here. :hrtlegolove:

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@Systemofconfusion @Micro @Mystrose @StarFox @Sita @RedRain @Lisaw1973

Thank you all so much for the love you have shared. You have no idea how much it means to me. You are all such lovely people :heart:.

The advice I have got from you is amazing. I know what I should do and try now. Thank you all :wink:.

  1. I will definitely try meditation. I think it is a very good idea.
  2. I will definitely look for some Inscence waterfall. That honestly is really great idea that I really like. Thank you @Sita @Systemofconfusion :wink:

3.Thank you Lisa for your input. I think there are a couple of things that are out of my safe zone I should try.
4. Thank you Rosie for the video. I have already seen it but I know it is very good :slightly_smiling_face:
5. Thank you @Micro. You have suggested some really interesting things. I suppose its time to ask the real questions like: What do I truly like? and Is ketchup a smoothie? :thinking: Thank you for your kind words and support friend :slightly_smiling_face:
Love you all. I hope you will all have a good weekend :wink:

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and Is ketchup a smoothie? :thinking:

Please stop bringing the existential questions like that. I’m going to obsess about it for weeks! D:

Joke aside, love you friend. :hrtlegolove:

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I will try :slightly_smiling_face:. Love you to friend :heart:

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