I dont know whats wrong?

I have always loved music, and I have always wanted to make it my career. As a teenager I constantely played piano. I had lessons, but hated them, but outside of the lesson I could play for hours. I never wanted to learn all the stuff, I just wanted to play so I did. And I got good at it and loved it. But then at 16, I found myself in an emotionally and mentally abusive/manipulative relationship for a year and a half. After he left me, I was a hollow shell and had nothing of myself anymore. And ever since around that time period, I have hardley been able to touch instruments in general. I was able to pick up drums a bit for 3 years but after that stopped, I can barely touch them. When I think of doing so, I feel fear. I don’t understand why. Once I get passed it and know what to do, I do enjoy what I play, but I am only able to muster up the courage to do so once every month or two or three. I fear being heard and upsetting people. I can play or sing on stage, but practicing is a nightmare of fear for me and I am so puzzled by that! Do any of you have any insight? If you need more details to give better insight let me know. I’ll be 24 next month and I am officially tired and irritated by this struggle. 8 years is a long time to be stuck and I’m sick of it. I just want to love music how I used to. I want it back.

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I think you associate your love of music with your ex. It’s easy to say that he can’t do that to you now, but the scars remain. I’m sorry that you had to endure that. Despite that your passion is still there and you should not have to give up your passion because of that. Have you thought about music therapy? It can help with what you are coping with and be able to move forward. Have you also thought about doing volunteer work with your music? Basically, take what you have with music and use it as a positive wether it is performing for an event, a senior center, or working with kids through music. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you get the spark back that you have with music. Know that you matter and that your ex doesn’t define you or what you are passionate about. Keep hanging in there and stay strong. :slight_smile:

Get back into music. Start by listening to it then go to read about music. Get to practicing and being around others that love music whether irl or online. Join a group or club that is all about music. When you’re finished practicing and are able to offer your services to others. A good place might be a choir or church. Then take your steps further.

I’m only putting an outline. I don’t really want you to follow it just gleam ideas from it. Create your own and do it.

Be strong.