Yeah. I don’t know where to begin this post, because nothing I’m feeling is new. I just don’t see any hope for me, or my life. I am terrified that I will be sad, alone, and hopeless until the day I die, that that will be how my family will remember me: the one who was sad and alone from the day they were born till the day they died. A cautionary tale. “Get your life together, or else you’ll end up living an entirely miserable, meaningless life, just like them.”
I’ve never been happy. I’ve always been weighed down by pain and loss and isolation, and I don’t feel like I’ve grown stronger as my struggles go on. I just feel more tired. More anxious. More hopeless. I feel, in a literal sense, cursed, like I will never find my footing, or my happiness. Or if I do, I will lose it immediately after I begin to hope again. And that will break me even more.
And the only person I have in my life, my partner, is suffering through many of the same feelings, and more. I feel so completely helpless. How can I give them hope when I don’t see any for myself? I love them, but we are separated by a closed border and covid and there’s nothing I can do to help them. Sometimes it feels like, if we could just be together, things would be easier. We could rest. We could heal. We could be there for each other. We could find our footing and figure out how to keep living. But we can’t. And I am terrified that even if we could be together, it wouldn’t really matter. It’s too late. We are too far gone to ever recover, we’ve been broken too much to ever find healing or happiness.
I used to believe that no one was beyond saving. That God would fix every brokenness. But everything I’ve been through has killed that faith. I feel like God has abandoned us. For a while I truly believed he was taking us somewhere beautiful, had a purpose for us. He promised us beautiful things. But now I think he’s given up on us. We’re useless to him now. Just trash. All those promises feel like insults now.
I don’t know where to take this, or even what I expect to gain by posting here. I just don’t know what to do. I feel stranded in bleak limbo broken up by bursts of sharp pain–one or the other, all the time, and there is no end in sight.