I don't know where else to go

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Yeah. I don’t know where to begin this post, because nothing I’m feeling is new. I just don’t see any hope for me, or my life. I am terrified that I will be sad, alone, and hopeless until the day I die, that that will be how my family will remember me: the one who was sad and alone from the day they were born till the day they died. A cautionary tale. “Get your life together, or else you’ll end up living an entirely miserable, meaningless life, just like them.”

I’ve never been happy. I’ve always been weighed down by pain and loss and isolation, and I don’t feel like I’ve grown stronger as my struggles go on. I just feel more tired. More anxious. More hopeless. I feel, in a literal sense, cursed, like I will never find my footing, or my happiness. Or if I do, I will lose it immediately after I begin to hope again. And that will break me even more.

And the only person I have in my life, my partner, is suffering through many of the same feelings, and more. I feel so completely helpless. How can I give them hope when I don’t see any for myself? I love them, but we are separated by a closed border and covid and there’s nothing I can do to help them. Sometimes it feels like, if we could just be together, things would be easier. We could rest. We could heal. We could be there for each other. We could find our footing and figure out how to keep living. But we can’t. And I am terrified that even if we could be together, it wouldn’t really matter. It’s too late. We are too far gone to ever recover, we’ve been broken too much to ever find healing or happiness.

I used to believe that no one was beyond saving. That God would fix every brokenness. But everything I’ve been through has killed that faith. I feel like God has abandoned us. For a while I truly believed he was taking us somewhere beautiful, had a purpose for us. He promised us beautiful things. But now I think he’s given up on us. We’re useless to him now. Just trash. All those promises feel like insults now.

I don’t know where to take this, or even what I expect to gain by posting here. I just don’t know what to do. I feel stranded in bleak limbo broken up by bursts of sharp pain–one or the other, all the time, and there is no end in sight.

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Im sorry you feel that way and i hope things can get better for you we are all here to help here. You just gotta keep on going and try to do whatever you like to do in life and not what you dont want to do. As long as you hang around the people that make you feel good about yourself im sure things will be alright alot of people start off life rough and things get better for them.

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First thing, you are not alone in what you are feeling. Not a day goes by that I don’t look up at the sky and ask, “why is this COVID-19 thing still around, aren’t You strong enough to get rid of it?” I have family in different states I can’t be with right now, and it feels like I’ll never see them again. But I have to remind myself about “seasons.”

I think you are in a season in your life, one that is dark and cold, much like a perpetual winter. You want warmth and relief, but it doesn’t seem to come. That is crippling loneliness, and it can bring a shadow on anyone’s life.

You mentioned your faith, and how you are struggling right now. As someone who has battled with God over the years, I came to find that no matter how much I wanted to abandon Him, I could not. There was always this small realization in the back of my mind that kept me coming back to Him. I suppose it is what is said in Romans 8:38-39: 38:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It is height and depth that separates you from the love of your life. Whoever he or she may be, I’m sure the feelings are mutual. The beauty of that passage of scripture is that no matter how far away you feel from God, He still loves you and your partner as well. And despite your distance from each other, your love is what is going to hold you fast together. That is why it also says in the Bible that there is nothing greater than love.

I know my words don’t mask the pain you feel, but perhaps they can encourage you to look at this hardship in another way. The more problems come your way, the more opportunity you have to love your partner. If you make it through this, your love for them will solidify what you have together, forever.