I Don't Know Where To Go

I don’t know anymore. I really don’t want to be here right now. I was recently a month clean from self harm (relapsed a week ago), I wasn’t clean for myself though. I was doing it for others, people who don’t want cuts or scars on my arms and they don’t understand anything about mental illmess or want to help me get better. Take for example when they found out I went into a full blown panic attack (like hyperventilating and not breathing type of panic attack), one of them decide to tell me your not having a panic attack, the others took my phone and computer away and blamed it on the music I listen too. I relapsed last week, right before my warped tour date I couldn’t take it anymore which for me is a lot because I thrive under pressure, I live in the spotlight being in performing arts and everything. But it set it off again (I fell under pressure of them watching me closely, and not doing well in the parade and just everything was closing in) and now one of those people is making snide remarks and they are trying to hold it over my head as blackmail and it’s getting to be too much. I don’t want to be here, I don’t know where to turn, or go anymore. I hate the snide remarks, it’s bringing back anxiety, not wanting to do anything, and a need to be perfect and set those high standards again and again and reach for things that aren’t there. I want to scream, but nobody cares enough. Im alone and drowning.

Everything I do isn’t up to their standards their mad because I didn’t do this or this. Sad because I relapsed again. They can’t even realized I’ve gone back to fake smiles and hopes they will leave me alone, I can’t live under a microscope. I hate having to check my back every two seconds and constantly be worried I’m not doing things their way or to their standards. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t do anything fun anymore ethey took the fun at photography, drawing, music, basketball, traveling, everything I love or have loved. And I can’t do it anymore, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this position anymore. I’ve given up I can’t do this anymore.

And I’ve tried to talk to them about how it makes me feel, but they do it over and over again. And I can’t I don’t want to get better for them, me, anyone, I’ve lost everything and I’m not entirely sure I want to be here anymore. Everything is black and white and I’m not sure I can be saved right now.

Hey my friend,

I am genuinely so, so sorry that you are going through this right now. It honestly is just an indescribable amount of pressure from others alongside the high standards that you have for yourself as well. I know the feeling of not wanting be here right now, and the feeling of having to perform for those around you, so that they won’t be disappointed. I know what it’s like to worry about losing the people who mean well for you, but go about in a way that just causes pain, and then you need to hide the truth from them. Please, please know that you’re not alone. We’re not here to judge you- just care for and support you the way that we can. Thank you so much for reaching out to the HS community; you are incredibly welcome here, just as you- no strings attached.

I remember when I was in high school and my best friends found out I was cutting. They meant well, but they also didn’t understand how to respond, so one of them told me that if I didn’t stop cutting (something I struggle with to this day!), they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. And I thought that was love; the truth was that it wasn’t, even though they didn’t really mean it that way. It was hurtful and it’s something I still remember. I just stopped telling them I was dealing with it. I can’t imagine the burden you must be carrying trying to ‘perform’ or be perfect for those around you, maybe even yourself. My friend, it’s not something for you to carry at all- who you are isn’t dependent on whether you “fail” or “succeed”, or however those around you perceive those things. I truly believe those things are null. No one deserves to be scrutinized this way, and you don’t deserve to be treated as though you can’t do things to their ‘standard’.

As you’ve already talked to them before, I don’t know if they would listen a second time, but it could be worth a shot; to stand your ground and speak your truth that you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You’re doing the best you can- and that should be enough. You need their support, not judgement. I sincerely don’t mean to be attacking those in your life in any way, because I assume they want the best for you in some form. However, I’ve been in the position of having my every move watched and feeling as though I need to do everything ‘right’ just to be in people’s good books- it’s not fair for you to be put in this position, especially if it makes you feel even more anxious and scared. You are human, and you are trying. It’s more than enough, and I rarely speak with this level of conviction, but I don’t think they have the right to tell you want you do or don’t have (e.g. a panic attack).

I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but please know that you are not alone. The truth is no one is perfect, and everyone is flawed in some way or more. You deserve so much love, support, and care. Please know that we are here for you, and that we love you, honestly just as you are. Maybe consider joining our discord? Because I have hope that it could potentially be one way to rekindle those amazing interests. There are so many here at HS that love the arts and music and everything in between. That being said though, please keep us updated. I’m sorry it’s been so hard, but you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I know it’s hard, but please choose to stay. (Gosh, I’m so sorry for the essay, but I just really want you to be okay).

Hold fast my dear,
Sincerely,
Alex

My problem with talking to them is that they don’t want to hear it, or get me help / diagnosed with anything (mentally related atleast. They dont believe in mental illness). But your story is something I relate to as it’s what I’m going through, but not with friends, they don’t understand and I don’t know how to get them to understand that I can’t just up and quit this one day, it takes time and help and support and I hate that I’ve fallen to it, but it’s something about it. And honestly I do love them, but it gets sickening and hard because they go back to the same thing every time and I fall back into the same hole just trying to dig myself out and try again to succeed at their level. And I’ve given up, I can’t do it anymore I’ve been doing it for my whole life, honor roll, starting basketball player, everything has a price with them and their willing to sacrifice anything for it even my mental health, I use to love going to my honors / AP classes, I love the challenge but lately I’ve hated walking into any of my classes (art and music included) cause I know theres that pressure to succeed. Cause you need this scholarship or you need that. I can’t do it, I don’t want to do it, it’s just become to much I really don’t want to be here anymore there’s no more joy left for me in anything, I don’t know if I can hold on.

Side note, I’m on the discord I just don’t post a whole lot.

Friend,

I am so sorry you are going through that, it is hard when the people around you don’t seem to understand. I wanted to ask if you have heard about HS book Rewrite? It is specifically written for those struggling with self-harm. I have read it, and it’s so practical. I know that you are in an unsure place, and that can feel very isolated and lonely. I hope that you find comfort that we are here for you, we believe in you, and we love you! Healing is a journey, and I know that you mentioned relapse. Try to look the success you have had being clean as a win. You will do it again! This time for yourself. :slight_smile:

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Hey @DontLetMeFall,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through; it sounds like a rough season but you WILL get through it. You’re strong - you got this! Thank you so much for taking the time to post your story on HeartSupport’s wall. We’re here for you and we want to see you beat this!

It sounds like you’re under a LOT of pressure and your norepinephrine system (“fight-or-flight”) is firing off because of it. It sounds like your friends don’t know how to respond to your panic/anxiety attacks. Sometimes when friends or family don’t know how to respond to a traumatic situation, they’ll make rude comments about it instead (sometimes with the subliminal intention of hoping that it “helps” the person). You don’t deserve to be scrutinized. You’re worth SO much more than that. Maybe try talking to your friends again about your situation, and if they STILL don’t understand or sympathize then to perhaps look for other people who will. Your life is so valuable and we want to see you win! We believe in you. :slight_smile:

-Eric

DontLetMeFall,

      People will try to tell you their version of how to live life best in an effort to see you achieve what is best for you. Perhaps, they are wrong when the methods they live by fail to meet your needs. 

      Providing these folks with false senses of security as a result of seeing you put on a smile when you don't want to smile belies the truth. You can live better. If you want to go it alone, then please be up front and open to these people. 

      You have told them before, and they don't seem to listen? Well, hopefully, you'll know this is because these folks want to persistently make you aware that you are capable of anything you put your mind to. When we are individually not at our best sometimes what we need is to see someone else, who has a positive attitude of life to model our actions after. 

     Don't keep yourself from change because these people expect you to. Do it for you at your own pace. When others notice, who you don't necessarily want to advertise that they notice a change in you, be sure to let them know that you are in control for your sake. Please, let those, who do provide you most assistance, be aware when they have helped you, though. It is immensely rewarding to become aware of a good dead, whether action was known to be good or assumed to be good. Be genuine when you tell them that. 

      A whole lifetime lies in wait for you to master and enjoy. You make the difference. Make a difference when you can. People are proud of you for trying best to be unique and conscience.

Respectfully,

_NucleicVoid

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i understand how it is having people aaround you that dont understand and if you are able it is ok to shut these people out i myself havent spoken to my mother in almost 2 years. she wanted to make my journey all about her and its not. i made the choice to block her out and not speak to her and i know this isnt for everyone or even a doable thing for everyone but not all relationships are healthy or worth it

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Hey there friend,
You are worth so much. I’ve struggled with this too. So many of us here have. I wish we could all get together and talk about what we have lost our joy in because we believed that lie that we aren’t worth it. But you are so worth it. We all are. You are so much more than you think, and I would be right there to draw, play basketball, travel, anything, to help you find joy in it again. All of us here would. I hope that no matter where you find yourself, what future struggles you face, you remember that you are not alone and that you don’t have to be. This is not the end, you always have somewhere that you can turn to, and we want to be there for you. We love you, friend.
Hold fast,
Eran

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DontLetMeFall,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, and inspiring others to share their problems as well. That in itself is such a huge victory, and I want you to understand that.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this. You are so loved. You have worth. There is always hope. You are not alone in this battle. Hold fast <3 :anchor:

Matt
twoguys1couch

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I just wanted to share what I said in chat just in case you didn’t get to see it all or read it. I’m so proud of you for reaching out for help like this, it’s not an easy thing to do and you freaking did it!

I have gone through similar things with my family since I was like 10 years old. It was never good enough. When I was that young I had my mother telling me to give up on dreams I had (I was freaking 10 years old I wanted to be a pro skateboarder) they basically forced me to go to college but wouldn’t allow me to study what I wanted to study(theatre), when I went to college I was miserable studying things I hated and ended up quitting, worked in sales making more money than they have, bought my own home, and still constantly got told it wasn’t enough.

It makes it SO HARD to go after the things that you want in life and I totally understand that. I recently had a moment where I guess I kinda snapped and decided to go for what I want. I am now trying to stream full time and do freelance video editing, even thought this is the most stressed I have ever been about money or if things will work I am still happier than I have ever been. When you find that moment to go after that happiness and say eff what people think, you will be so happy.

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Hey my friend,

You deserve so much love and support- not for the things that you do in school or extracurriculars, but just for being you. There must be so much pressure to perform and do well in all these things that you used to enjoy, but have gone from enjoyable and positively challenging, to downright painful and pressuring. I’m sorry you’re going through this, we’re here to be shoulders to lean on and to support you through it, no judgement, no pressure to succeed. And it’s completely okay (admittedly easier said than done) to just put your foot down and say “no more”, because you can’t deal with the stress of having to make everyone else happy and to succeed for them (it’s certainly not your job). You’re incredibly strong and courageous in my opinion, and you can do this. You are so not alone. Hold fast buddy.

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hey there ,
I am so sorry you are going through this. you are not alone in this fight.
for “them” to take away the stuff you love doing such as listening to music, love being on your phone and computer. that’s just crap. by the way who is them or they? your parent? your doctor? your friends?
for your friends to not understand about mental health is just not right. I am sorry you relapsed. what is a standard anyway? im sorry they took it away. im sorry they don’t listen. just know no matter what you are loved by this community.
-ashley

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