Trigger warning - I talk a lot about killing myself and self harm.
I have clinical depression. I am first year in English major - I’m 21 atm. I did not have any decent job for over 3 months - It really made me feel awful. I feel so much as a burden for my family. Lately my depression, got worse - I even wrote a good bye note and prepared a noose. I still have both of them hidden.
Suddenly by going to a place to get some food, I saw an add for kitchen help. I really liked this place so I asked about this. Next week - I am at trial - rn I am doing my second shift but I feel so terrible. I just stopped crying - which began basically after nothing. I was really stressted cus we were very busy and I was asked to do things I was not tought - and then I was repeatedly told to do it quicker. Later my boss spooked me - he suddenly jumped out and raise his voice (pretty sure as a joke) - but I think it caused my anxiety attack.
I could not stop tearing up and feelt really bad. I ended up contacting my sis and my dad to tell them about it and feel a little better. My father asked to try to stay strong and wait till chrismas when he gets back home. My sister - started laughing about it - I told her that she hurt my feeling - and I started basically wheeping in my “new” job bathroom - she called me when I stopped answering her texts - to hear me cry my eyes out. Well her laugh stopped as soon as she heard my cry - but the damage was done. I felt soo awful - like it’s my fault thay I can’t behave like a normal human would. It took me an hour to calm myself from stopped crying - even my manager tried to help but I siad I will be fine in a momment - ofc I did not tell them about my depression; I did not have a single interview in over two months.
Well during my job I started wondering it is not good job - just a kebab place - I do not have signed a contract yet - but I dont feel I want to.
I wanted to kill myself during job and propably cut myself when I’ll get to it. Would it be better to quit since it’s not even sure I will get the job (especially after today) and give myself some more time.
Please help me I don’t know what to do - I want to feel better but my first doc appointment is in almost 2 months.
The very important aspect is that that is very small town, 150k - I think. Supposedly I am supposed to get new job in February but I do not really trust that.
I spent last month not leaving my bed. I on my 2nd shift and my legs hurt like a bitch and my mood is swinging like crazy - maybe I should hope for that actually that person that works with my sis was not lying. I am supped to be high on the list of workers asked to work there. It’s good paying one - much better tbh - but not sure.
It’s production of windows - women always get easier and safer jobs.
quit it… dont stay any longer.
you are a student, after all, stay in school and work on that. once you finally feel like you can maintain a job then go get a job, but don’t stay in an environment that is causing more misery to you. i am your new friend! i will be here to take care of you :))
it is okay to be down, not every day will be good and that is okay…
it is going to be okay, quit your job and focus on yourself, focus on your major you got this, i believe in you and love you.
if you wish to stay in touch and would like to talk more about your issues and letting it all out, i will be more than happy to! give your email and i will contact you immediately!!
Hi,
Thank you so much for responding.
I forgot to mention something important - when I dropped out of my major to be able to work. Now I am attending college where we only have lessons during weekends - and not every single weekend. I did it so I could work. Well, I did come back to my hometown - but I know my parents are willing to support me till I find a job. There was not even an “no job, study only” as an option. I just feel like I cannot manage both I’ll be an even bigger failure.
listen, you aren’t going to be a bigger failure.
we all need to take care of ourselves because the only way to get better is believing even if it seems impossible… its okay, just quit and get better, you have loving parents who are here to help you and support you…
quit the job and take care of yourself, when you do quit please take care of yourself… often times we forget, if you have not eaten today or drank water today, go eat and drink water. do a little bit of walking. lots of love to you. you are strong!!!