Trigger warning - I talk a lot about killing myself and self harm.
I have clinical depression. I am first year in English major - I’m 21 atm. I did not have any decent job for over 3 months - It really made me feel awful. I feel so much as a burden for my family. Lately my depression, got worse - I even wrote a good bye note and prepared a noose. I still have both of them hidden.
Suddenly by going to a place to get some food, I saw an add for kitchen help. I really liked this place so I asked about this. Next week - I am at trial - rn I am doing my second shift but I feel so terrible. I just stopped crying - which began basically after nothing. I was really stressted cus we were very busy and I was asked to do things I was not tought - and then I was repeatedly told to do it quicker. Later my boss spooked me - he suddenly jumped out and raise his voice (pretty sure as a joke) - but I think it caused my anxiety attack.
I could not stop tearing up and feelt really bad. I ended up contacting my sis and my dad to tell them about it and feel a little better. My father asked to try to stay strong and wait till chrismas when he gets back home. My sister - started laughing about it - I told her that she hurt my feeling - and I started basically wheeping in my “new” job bathroom - she called me when I stopped answering her texts - to hear me cry my eyes out. Well her laugh stopped as soon as she heard my cry - but the damage was done. I felt soo awful - like it’s my fault thay I can’t behave like a normal human would. It took me an hour to calm myself from stopped crying - even my manager tried to help but I siad I will be fine in a momment - ofc I did not tell them about my depression; I did not have a single interview in over two months.
Well during my job I started wondering it is not good job - just a kebab place - I do not have signed a contract yet - but I dont feel I want to.
I wanted to kill myself during job and propably cut myself when I’ll get to it. Would it be better to quit since it’s not even sure I will get the job (especially after today) and give myself some more time.
Please help me I don’t know what to do - I want to feel better but my first doc appointment is in almost 2 months.