For as long as I can remember I’ve been hard on myself, depressed, worried about death, desperate to feel okay.
A year ago, my partner of eight years left me because we were both in a bad mental health space and the relationship became basically platonic.
I had an awful realisation several months ago that on several occasions I was sexually pressuring or forceful towards her. I honestly did not mean to, and afterwards I felt like I was coming back into my own head and felt awful for it. Each time she was forgiving. I also had an obsession with sexual things like threesomes and would bring it up too often for a period.
I have apologised to my ex-partner as earnestly as possible. She has told me that yes, I made her do things, but she’s made peace with it, that I made mistakes but I’m not a bad person. I really want to believe this. The only this she says upset her was mutual friends who I confided in telling her how remorseful I am and treating me like the victim, not her.
This entire event has been a wake up call to my porn addiction, my own childhood sexual trauma, mostly focused on harmful extreme pornography and my 13yr old mind processing and thinking I should act it out.
I believe I have Pure O OCD which I have been dealing with for years. It has now latched on to these wrongs that I have committed and I think about it every waking moment. I feel that punishment will come eventually and I deserve it.
I want to move past this and help other guys not get into the same position I did, but I’m scared of doing anything. I know I’m not the victim in this case, I am a perpetrator of behaviour that I have always condemned. It has shaken me.
I’m sorry if this isn’t welcome here, I just read Sledge’s article on MeToo and desperately want to be a good person.
Hey Sandy, thank you for sharing. I imagine this is not an easy thing to talk about. The good news is you have recognized your behavior as harmful, and you seem to recognize some of the things that caused and contribute to it, and that you have changes you need to make with yourself.
It sounds to me like since this is an addiction issue, and you have been feeling really down for over a year now, you should see a therapist. If in person would be too much at first, there’s this really cool service called BetterHelp, where it’s all done online (video chat included), and you can get financial assistance as well if needed.
It sounds like there’s a lot you need to go through the work of unpacking, acknowledging, and working on improving here, and a long term partnership with a therapist/councilor would guide you through that. Someone replied to one of my posts the other day, and noted he has a porn addiction. He works with a counselor and it sounds like it’s been helping. Joining a group with others who struggle with this addiction may help you as well.
You’re not condemned forever to be a terrible person. You have to face your challenges, and there’s partnerships and resources to help you do that, so you don’t have to go it alone!
I first just want to say thank you. Thank you for opening up about this, because it’s a hard topic to talk about, and thank you for acknowledging the things you did. That’s something I WISH my ex had done, but never did (he was abusive towards me and sexually assaulted me.) By being able to admit these things, you’re already on the right path, and I applaud that. Be patient and forgiving with yourself - it will be a long and difficult process but you can be that person you want to be. We believe in you.
Thank you sophic, your kind words really did help me through a difficult day yesterday.
I am sorry for what you have been through and I admire how compassionate you are towards others.
I am in a tough place as my family and friends are focusing on my own mental health, telling me that my ex-partner has said that I can move on so I should. I don’t want to disregard the pain I’ve potentially caused, I want to be accountable and I guess I’m still expecting to be punished.
I don’t want to bother my ex-partner again about it, she wants to hold on to our happy memories. I just want to find a way to help this never happen again, now that I understand how pain, ignorance and arrogance can blind people to the pain they cause.
I hear you on the “not who I ever thought I was” part, I made a lot of mistakes this year and hurt people close to me, and it is hard not to obsess over my mistakes too. Advice someone on here gave me was make a short list of who you want to be. His list included things like “loyal friend” “great father” and “someone who doesn’t give up when things aren’t perfect” And then you look back at each day and write down everything you did that falls under your goals, no matter how small it may seem. His councilor suggested he do this and he said this been improving self perception (this is the same guy I mentioned in my last comment). I only just start doing it this week, but if anything it at least forces you everyday to think positively, and about something other than your mistakes. You seem really committed to trying to be better, so I think with the right tools you can become the person you want to be
