Recently, I’ve been dealing with just an overload of work, home life, transitions, personal struggles, etc. I could get so detailed with this list but I feel like it’d just be way too long. It just feels so overwhelming, like a milestone that I’ll never reach. I’ve been trying to balance a part time and full time job, the latter being multifaceted in responsibilities (3 different departments I guess), planning to get married, moving out for the first time (college dorms don’t count in that), and trying to decipher and accomplish my goals.
Needless to say, I’ve had too much in my mind for too long. It’s easy to shut down and just play a video game to get lost in it, or put in some headphones and drown out the voices in my head and around me. But then I crave community. I crave friendship. I desire to be a part of something that isn’t just me by myself. It’s gotten to the point where I wonder what in the world I’m even doing here anymore. It feels like “going through the motions”, or just trying to make it day by day. I feel more just tired of it than anything.
For years I’ve told myself, “well, eventually things will change and it will get better. You just gotta be patient.” And in no way am I trying to be prideful or boast in myself, but I’ve been pretty freaking patient for a long time.
I know that this virus going on just makes a lot of my life a little more stressful, but I feel like I’ve reached a breaking point where I don’t want to even try to do something new, I don’t want to try to accomplish anything. I feel stuck and can’t get a break from life in order to do something good with it.
Just trying to get these thoughts out of my head. I don’t know who else to tell. I don’t want to worry my future wife. I don’t want to bug my family. And I feel like other people who want to “be there for me” will give the proverbial pat on the back and the “you’re gonna be okay” thing. Thanks for hearing me out.