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I don't know why I am still here

Lately I am struggling to hang on. Some days now, I just don’t want to anymore.

Other than my dog, I’ve got no one. My parents are both dead, my fiance killed herself, and the last of my remaining “family” hate my guts, and just prefer I stay away now. Any friends I have are purely virtual (discord, video games… ect) and all reside in completely different states or even countries in some cases.

With covid-19 cases skyrocketing out of control in my city, everything is curbside pickup or contactless delivery. The most I get to talk to someone face to face (while masked), is when an item is out of stock, and they have to let me know its been replaced by something else.

My entire life is taking place within the confines of a LCD screen, and the lack of contact is making me break down just about every day now.

I miss having a family. I miss having someone who loves me, and goes through day to day challenges with me. More than anything I miss having the prospect of finding anyone like this again. Anyone I talk to, or walk within ten feet of acts like I’ve killed them by saying hello.

I fucking hate 2020.

I think it might finally be the end of me.

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Hey I had corona and lost so many things because of it. It felt like an end. Now after 1 month it feels like a beginning, it’s all in the perception. I know how hard loneliness can be trust me, but some say loneliness is a passion. What u said about ur parents and fiance makes my heart bleed, am so sorry to hear that, no one should have to go through it. But trust me it gets better one day. U can develop deeper friendships and meaningful relationships again. Just for now try some new hobbies- pottery painting, they all help. Believe me you are not the only one feeling like tis during the times of corona. But please my friend tis is not the end. U r other family they r not worth ur time.
I know the feeling wen u want to talk to some one- any one that speaks. I would love to say hello, hi, watsup,how’s it there,how do I do, to you. Try meditation may be. Be happy . It’s your choice to choose to be happy r sad

Dude…this is brutal…I felt the weight of each card you laid down, it feels like a losing hand. Feels like you’ve got all the chips you have left on the table, and it feels like there’s no way you’re going to walk away from this without losing it all.

So much out of your control…feels like life’s peeled away your fingernails one by one, and you’re tired of the torture. Loneliness is torture. And you have so many layers to your loneliness that it feels like you could never dig your way through it. Fucking brutal, dude.

You just want to feel connected, to feel seen, to feel loved, to feel something, man…I don’t even know…feels like it’s too exhausting to even try to name your hope because it’s just going to get swallowed by pain…

Man, I’m so sorry, Geko.

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Thank you both for replying. It helps me feel a bit better knowing I am not just venting into the wind.

@Mystique - I am glad that you were able to get better, I really wish the day you describe would hurry up. I’ve tried a lot of different hobbies to fill the time - nothing seems to satisfy the itch. I used to be quite creative - now everything just feeds into the mood. I can create something I am so proud of one minute, and the next I want to destroy it - because its just another manifestation of my having too much time by myself. Nobody is going to see it, so why bother - you know? Meditation… I never feel like I’ve been able to “meditate”. I think it is because my brain is rather ADHD in nature, and doesn’t like to let me focus to the extent that is needed.

@NateTriesAgain - I appreciate the sympathy. Pretty much every day feels like this… I have no control in 2020. All I can seem to do is sit, wait, and try to forget. I hate it.