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I dont know why im not better

im back here im fucking back to where i was i i feel terrible and im fighting everyone around me and i dont know why i have been doing so good im so confused on why im back to wanting to die to hating my dad and step mom without a thought. why can i kill my self its not fair that people like me why do people like me i just cause pain i can never say anything right i have all of these good points inn my head and i will say one of them but then she says no and i dont know how to go on and then i just end up saying something mean or pushing everyone away why cant they just listen i was supposed to be getting better i was better why do i feel so stupid i felt terrible as soon i walked into my dads house.i dont know why my stepmom always defends my dad saying that hes been doing better even though he hasnt just because we havent been screaming at eachother doesnt mean its a good time to be here.he is always passive agressive about everything like my music or my eating or my freinds of my intrests hes just not a good parent and i dont know why my step mom always thinks he is so great.he made me and my sister cry at the dinner table and my step mom was fine she was acting like it was normal to make your kids cry so much that they have a panic attack when telling them to not fail at things.im on testosterone and we are going on a vacation soon and i need to move me shot scheduel and my step mom was mad that i didnt want my dad to do it and she knows he is impatient and i get very hesitent before my shot and i know he would get annoyed and end up hurting me.but she says that i should trust him and said she wasnt understanding why i wasnt confturble and it just turned into her yelling at me because i dont think he has changed im tired i can leave for good soon but idk how long i can wait because im back in this state of deppression.

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From: RocquetMan (Discord)

Hey. Thank you so much for sharing. You’re right my friend, it’s not fair. You’re totally right. No one should have to live with the thoughts you’re having and the emotions you’re experiencing. But it’s not the end of the road just because you are living with all of those things. The thoughts you’re having can be reprogrammed so that when you are struggling you’re more well equipped to direct your attention to more productive thinking. Same with your emotions. With therapy and meditation for example you can slowly learn how to respond to your emotions rather than react. It’s easier said than done though. Believe me, it’s hard. I’ve been there and I still have days where it feels like nothing matters. But it can be done. And I’m sorry that your parents are not more attentive to what you’re feeling. I’ve had to go through the process of reparenting myself because of childhood trauma. Through therapy and other methods though I was able to work through a lot of stuff that was previously unresolved. Everything you’re feeling is valid. It is entirely ok to feel the way you’re feeling. Start writing down how you feel, get it out on paper. Journaling is a great outlet. Along with that, I encourage you to engage yourself in hobbies that bring you joy. Watch your favorite tv show, draw or just go stand out in the grass with your bare feet and feel the earth beneath your toes. You can do this, my friend. You are so strong. You are loved. Hold fast.

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hi sweet fynn,

i am so so so sorry you are dealing with all of this. everything you shared with us is not easy for you to carry on your shoulders. your strength and bravery is absolutely something to be admired so thank you for sharing your story.

it makes me physically upset and angry to hear the way your dad treats you and your sister. that is no way for a parent to act and a child should never feel fear around them. so please just know that you are doing everything right and that your dad’s abuse does not resemble your own worth as the wonderful, loving, and powerful human being you are.

you mentioned that you can leave for good soon. i hope that if you are unable to leave the situation immediately through CPS intervention or through finding support from a loved one/teacher/therapist, that you are able to hold on to that future date of being away from this as a source of hope. if there’s anything your heartsupport community can do for you during all this, always reach out because we got your back completely and love you unconditionally. you are so loved, so valued, and so appreciated.

love,
twix

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