I hate who i am
how i look
my personality
how i act
how i handle things
how insecure i am
how i can just crumble under the pressure
i hate being my self i hate being here. Nothings ever gonna get better and i realize that now. Nothings ever gonna change no matter what people tell me
i’ve asked god for a sign. . . .i never got one
I let every one down
i messed up all my relationships
im just too much drama, my mental health is to hard for people to handle my self harm is too much, for me even
People have it worse than me but here i am still and i feel broken, not broken, cuz broken can be fixed, but i can’t be fixed
I think it’s just time for me to go once and for all
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Sandia,
This is so relatable…it’s easy to slice and dice ourselves…often we are our worst critics by far…and as I write that out, I hear the inner critic in myself say, “Yeah, but you don’t know my life. It’s not just a critique, it’s a fact.” I’m not sure if you’re hearing that either, but I imagine with so much weight on your shoulders, it’s not as easy as saying, “Yeah I’m being too hard on myself” to get out from under this avalanche that’s collapsed on top of you. Or perhaps it’s better to think of it more as an erosion…that your self-worth has continually, in time and over time, worn down to the place where it is now…or perhaps you’d even say that you were born this way, that you were always fucked up, and that you have no hope.
Whatever the case, I know that script in my own life. I feel like I’ve strived for this standard of being “the best”, and everything else less than that is worthless. It’s binary. I’m either “worthy” or I’m a totally worthless failure. And my entire life, in that thought process, I have always been this massive failure.
I don’t think you’re crazy for feeling this way. Honestly, I first learned this way of thinking from my dad. I felt like he had something critical to say about everything I did. Eventually, I learned that this is just the way I’m supposed to relate to myself, so I started to take his job over for him, and ever since, I’ve been fucked. Everything is never enough. I am not enough.
But one of the things that I’ve been learning along the way is that “worthiness” is relative. I really like this exercise on the forum. I feel like digging into how I’m comparing myself, how I’m evaluating myself is a really helpful tool. When I break it down, and I really look into it, often I find that I CAN find something redemptive about who I am / how I’m doing.
I started to learn to look away from outcomes and look at character and who I’m becoming. For instance, it seems like “Confidence”, “Resilience”, “Wholeheartedness” might be characteristics of people you admire.
- Confidence being feeling secure in who you are, or exercising a belief in yourself – because you can’t control the “outcome” of how others perceive you, you can only control how you choose to view yourself
- Resilience being persevering under pressure or through fear – because you can’t control the “outcome” of how something will go, you can just control the fact that you show up again and again even if it terrifies you.
- Wholeheartedness being bringing your full self to relationships – again not necessarily that relationships go “well”, but that you bring your full self to them. Because you can’t control the outcome, you can only control what you bring.
If you focus on things like this, you can begin to journal about the ways you’re actually becoming that type of person every day.
For instance, you’re at a place right now where you feel like you don’t want to live. But today you chose to wake up and keep moving forward. Even that is a victory of resilience. You chose to have enough resilience of hope to make this post. You are offering your whole heart here, searching for connection and support.
When you begin to see WHO you want to become and you begin to celebrate the steps you’re taking towards becoming that kind of person, you can begin to exercise an inner cheerleader instead of an inner critic. And honestly, the fruit will prove itself…you’re going to feel 10X better about your life almost instantly.
If you’re open to trying this out, here’s a 7 day challenge to try this out for yourself: 7 Day Value Recognition Challenge
Hope this helps friend. You are far more valuable than you know. And I believe that you can begin to cultivate that kind of knowing. And you deserve it.
-Nate
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thank you for taking the time to respond. And i do tend to think about the outcomes of any decision i make or about how things can all go wrong in the future. I just really wish i was a different person. And i feel like i really do not deserve any of the help im getting.
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Heeeey! Take it easy Sandia.
I know it’s hard when everything arounds you collapses and the cause is coming from the inside. But dang, I read this words and they are so loaded with hate, guilt and shame. I won’t even tell you to stop doing it to yourself because if you knew how to you would have stopped already.
I think I know how you feel… and I which I could hold you and tell you everything will work out, you just gotta hold one day at a time, even when everything is dark you gotta believe there is light inside you. I believe that even in the worst of the storms we go trough there is something valuable to learn, please look out for what you have to learn from this pain you are experiencing and get out of there, you don’t have to be there more than necessary. Life is worth living but that’s something you just gotta learn from yourself. Please continue writing here when ever you feel you need to rest, vent or whatever, we will hold you so you can continue your journey.
Please, please take care of yourself.
Your words actually hit me really hard so thank you. I just wish i did have some one there with me to hold me and help me through everything but i don’t. . . and i wish i did. ik people here are here for me but i wish i had some one right next to me that i knew i could depend on. But thank you for your response it means a lot
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Sometimes “support” comes in different forms. Perhaps, instead of longing for something different than you have right now, you make the active choice to be thankful for the support. <-- the reason for this is because it will help YOU feel better, YOU feel supported and less alone. You can still hope for a relationship in person, but by practicing gratefulness, you can still receive massive benefit from what you are receiving as opposed to minimizing its impact on your life because it doesn’t look a certain way. I think this could be really helpful for your heart to try out!
thank you for the feedback :’)
there was a promise i made to myself a while ago with was, when my bf broke up with me i would kill myself cuz he was all i had left. . . Now that i found some one else i find my self making the same promise of ending my life. I haven’t told my boyfriend cuz i don’t want to scare him and i know everyone will say, well its your choice, i know it is but i need help what would you do and does me making my self these promises make me a bad person?
I feel like this is the year where i am gonna actually have the guts to end my life and it scares me the fact that i can’t controll myself or how i feel.
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Hi @sandia, I don’t think you’re crazy for thinking that. It’s hard when you feel you have no worth because you attach to someone who you think is amazing, and you believe if they love you then you are worth something, but if they leave you, then it proves to you that you were right all along…that you are worthless and your life has no value…and when that paincomes, it feels like a wave that will swallow you whole, and you don’t know what life beyond that even is…it feels like you will die, so you might as well kill yourself.
But that is all based on a foundation of: “I am worthless.”
Which isn’t true.
So the rest of the thought process is based on a lie as well…if your boyfriend leaves you, you’ll be fine, because you are a completely worthy person in and of yourself. A wave of pain may come, as it often does in the wake of a breakup, but you can weather that storm. You’ve done it before; you can do it again; and often, it makes you stronger.
I don’t think you’re crazy, and I also think that the way you think about yourself just isn’t true. So I believe that’s a promise you should break, and you should make a new promise – that through this relationship you will learn to see worthwhile things in yourself through their eyes, and that when they leave, you’ll keep that love you learned for yourself, and you’ll move forward stronger.
-Nate
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