I don't matter enough to live

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Staff Edit from @NateTriesAgain:

50%20AM

You’re not crazy if you feel like you want to die. If you landed here from Google, I want you to know you’re not alone, and there is hope. If you’re in immediate danger, go to our Crisis Resources page. Otherwise, you can also take this self-assessment to find next steps:

—> HELPFUL NEXT STEPS <—

Hold fast. We believe in you.

Hi, my name is Alissa I’m new here and I think this is how it goes. So here goes, recently I have been feeling like everything I do does’t matter. And to others I can’t do anything right. It has just been making me feel like shit. I thought I was passed that when I left school, but to think my own family would make me feel this way. I feel like my parents don’t care about me. My brother is constantly down my throat about something I did wrong. My other brother, honest to God does not talk to me anymore. And, my sister has her own problems I feel I can’t tell her anything. I live with my sister and brother and I feel like I can’t talk to them because something always happens. Like one of them is having a problem and I’m always the one that acts like I’m fine. As if I can’t show my emotions, I can’t say how I’m feeling. Not that they would believe me anyway, because they never take mr seriously. And they would never ask or care how I am. It’s not like I exactly have friends either. My high school life was a shit show. The people I thought were my friends completely ignore me so I’ve stopped trying. I have a couple of friends but I always feel like a bother to them so I leave them alone. I stay home all the time feeling depressed about myself. My social anxiety doesn’t help either. I just feel so alone right now in my life that no one would care I were dead. In fact they would all benefit from it, and I can stop feeling this way…

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Hey Alissa,

I’m very glad you are here. I’m proud of you for posting.

Everything you do matters- everything you do has an effect on the world. Those people who say you can’t do anything right are most likely struggling with something themselves- that does not give them the right to treat you as they are though.

I know the feeling of once you leave a place you think things will get better but they don’t. I graduated from high school and quit my old job because I could physically and mentally not do it anymore. I thought I would have the summer to fix myself and pick myself back up before college but that didn’t really happen; I was constantly talk at and down to, dealt with a lot of bad coping mechanisms.

With certain people in my life I can’t show my emotions without being looked down at or being snapped at- it’s like to some people emotions are stupid and it’s very frustrating.

Two years ago my dad got very sick and other things happened to create this huge chain of events that just made me break down so much; I couldn’t talk to my dad about it well because he almost died and there were a lot of things there, then my sister and I were still kind of not as close as we are now, and my mom was dealing with her own issues as well as helping my dad everyday. So basically it was just me alone in my head.

I fell into a pit of depression and anxiety and I began to use bad coping mechanisms even more often- it got to a point where it was every day.

In regards to friendships I feel like a bother a lot too- I recently started to push myself away from them because I just felt like they hated me and my issues were too stupid to bring up- but those are just lies that our brains make us believe.

My friends love me- if they didn’t we wouldn’t be friends; I encourage you to talk to your friends about this- it’s hard at first but you will find friends who you can go to and who genuinely care.

This summer I was home. A lot. Like a lot. I was depressed and anxiety was a very big struggle I still have- but it has gotten better. You are not alone.

You will never be alone.

I would care if you were gone and I know s many others would as well.

You are important because you have breath in your lungs. You deserve to be here. You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy.

Keep fighting- we are always here to listen. There is an abundance of resources out there that can be of aid to you.

You are loved, you are important, I believe in you.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)

Keep fighting.

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Alissa, first off, welcome to the community and thank you for trusting us enough to share. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with you family, I too live in a toxic household with my parents and it’s horrible. You say that you have a couple of friends that you can talk too but don’t want to bother them, maybe you could write them a letter instead? I felt that way when I first opened up about my struggles, even to the people of this community. I still feel like the biggest burden when I have to reach out, but it was honestly one of the best things I did. You’re not alone in life, you have everyone within this community. Come and join the discord, start talking to people… Come and take part in the live streams. We care about you, we want you to fight and we need you alive.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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HI Alissa, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m glad you’re here. It’s tough not being able to be honest about the way you feel with people around you. Unfortunately, some people just can’t handle it. Which is one of the reasons I’m glad you’re here - you can do it here.

I’d like to encourage you to talk to the couple friends you still have about your situation. I know some friendships just aren’t the type where you can be open about feelings, but if they’re still with you through it all, there seems to be a real chance you can count on them. Maybe they just don’t wanna push you with opening up or feel like you don’t want to.

And I’m here if you want someone to chat with.

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@DisposableFix Here is our video response with our special guest @LucidFoxx

Hold Fast.

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@DisposableFix

I’m sorry that you are going through this difficult situation. It is really hard to feel like you’re so alone and like there’s no one to talk to. It’s even worse when you would think you could talk to family, the people you would think you could go to. And yet, you can’t.

Please don’t listen to the lies. When we feel all alone or depressed, it is easy to think that everyone else would be better off without us. A depressed mind distorts things. When I’m struggling, I remind myself that, when I’m out from “under the cloud,” I will most likely see things differently. And encourage myself to just “wait it out” because eventually, it may even be days later, I won’t be so down and I will see things differently. I know you are in a tough situation right now. But I would see if the thought process I use helps.

We are here for you. You aren’t alone. No matter what your mind tells you.

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WE would care if you left Alissa.
It’s okay to have social anxiety, many of us here have it, and we will help you out. Family doesn’t always mean love and care for you all the time when it should. Believe me when I say you are not alone when you feel like no one cares and you can’t talk to any one.
I’m sorry about your friends and your siblings. Have hope. I believe you will find the other people out there who will be glad and happy to have you as their friend.
Stay strong<3

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Thank you for sharing some of your personal experience. It sheds light to know you’re not alone. I’m sorry for the late reply, I was just sort of afraid to see a response because I’ve never really reached out and was afraid of what response I would get.

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Thank you for the advice. I’ve never thought of a letter, maybe I’ll try that.