I don’t really know what to do. I’m in my 20’s, and I’m very inexperienced. I grew up thinking sex was wrong unless you were married. Basically everything was wrong involving sexuality. Now that I’m older I no longer really believe that stuff, I watch porn and masturbate, Ive interacted with women sexually (though I’m still a virgin). I read about sexual topics and enjoy hearing about different ideas. I enjoy browsing this sub occasionally. As a general life philosophy I try to not only encounter but understand different view points.
However its still something that is kept completely to myself. Outside of an anonymous internet forum like this one I can’t express any of these thoughts/feelings/desires. This is compounded by the fact I had to move back in with my (very conservative) family and that I am not able to leave much right now it will likely remain this way for quite some time for me.
I’m just tired of having to hide all of these feelings, or even just thoughts. I wish I could just talk about sexuality and it not be a weird thing, where the actions wern’t weird things. Ive tried at times to find someone like this to talk to online but its never really worked. I’m not kinky at all and I’ve never really been into roleplay. Most of the women Ive encountered and talked with seem to want something I’m not looking for or even makes me uncomfortable. Any of them men Ive talked with have either had boundary issues (I’m straight) or would talk and behave in this strange manner I don’t know how to describe except it made me very uncomfortable.
Sometimes I have this complete unrealistic fantasy of getting to know a group of people online where there was completly transparency. Where we could all speak our mind, our desires, ect without. Where we could all hangout in a voice call or something. I wish I could just…be open. I wish that I could tell a woman that I like some attribute about her and it not be weird (be it physical or not). I wish I could talk to people where sexuality wasn’t something to be hidden away , not just the talking but the actions themselves but activity as well. I wish I could talk to someone where I could be honest if a conversation or topic was arousing. I just want to be completely transparent with some people.
Of course thats a fantasy. I’m not brave enough for anything like that in real life and online… well… My experience in trying to find any minute degree of that is that it brings out the worst in people. They just… don’t see the other person as a person anymore but purely in a singlur context.
This has kinda turned into a long rambling. I don’t know what to call it. Its not really a vent, its not really asking for specific advice. I don’t know what I want here, other than I just wanted to express my thoughts to someone and be heard.
I’ve always found that having outlets like this is super helpful. Having a place were you can be open and not feel scared to say anything is an amazing thing to have and im so glad you found this forum and were able to express yourself. I hear you, life is tough man especially when you feel like you can’t be open with the people around you but you have us and you have this place. Just keep sharing as much as you can. Thank you for sharing <3
Thanks for your reply. I’m so frustrated. I feel like the only time I can share the stuff deep down is on a random forum like this, not because I don’t want to share but no one wants to get to know me on a personal level, a one on one level. And even then I’m just an afterthought. I mean I don’t expect some random person online to place me as a high priority in their life but I would like to be something other than just…whatever to them.
Hi Waka, I want to first say that no matter the feelings surrounding the appropriate time, place, and person this behavior is to be exhibited or explored with or around (opinions differ, and I respect everyone’s choices) that what you are feeling is normal. It is absolutely, 100% okay, to have sexual desire and to be frustrated about an outlet. For some, this is through their faith and their commitment to that, for others it is sexual partners or partner. When our values and feelings conflict with those directly around us, it can be a very difficult place to occupy. I am sorry you are experiencing that.
Honestly, for me, it took me well into my 20s to have a friend group and a safe space to feel confident speaking about sexuality. My parent’s were not strict or conservative, but it never felt like I could be genuinely heard there and it took a long time to make the type of friends that I felt self having that discussion with.
I am sorry it feels like you have to hide what you are feeling, or disguise your frustrations. Thank you for sharing here, this can be a very sensitive and difficult topic to be vulnerable and open up about, and I really appreciate you sharing here. I encourage you to continue to seek out safe spaces to express yourself, because repressing and ignoring or demonizing natural feelings can be very unhealthy. It is important to develop coping mechanisms if they cannot be openly expressed. Hang in there
Hey I just wanted to say I can relate a lot to your feelings, I just had a different experience and I’d like to share.
I was raised in a conservative Christian household so you can imagine sexual expression or understanding was limited. Honestly I gave up on my belief in pre-marital sex early on at age 14 and lost my virginity to a girl I dated.
To be honest I feel like if I had an area to express it more openly, especially in the church youth group I was in, I’d have made a different decision or at least waited.
I’m 25 now and have had multiple sexual partners since.
I can say after all this time,
I threw out a good idea to be honest, but because of this conservative restrictive and embarrassing sexual atmosphere. I hope there are more places like this for people to be able to express themselves without judgement or harassment.
I have a lot of opinions on porn, masturbation, sex before marriage, but I didn’t feel like it’s not what you’d need . Just know you can share your thoughts here without judgement.
I understand what you are saying about male support in this area. It’s very hard to have a male friend to talk about it in a healthy way and sometimes their intentions either change or are revealed in an uncomfortable way. I’ve personally had some close male and female friends that I’ve been able to talk to. Honestly it takes a lot of maturity and a respect for the female, but they have been way easier for me to open up to. (Not advisable for everyone)
Hope you find encouragement here.
How did you go about finding friends who you could talk about it with? What do you think would be a good way for me to find people to talk openly about this stuff with? Especially right now since I’m stuck at home and can only meet/talk to people online?
Thanks for asking Waka!
I never sought out specifically to make friend’s to talk about sex and sexuality with- it ended up being a natural bi-product of making connections with people who I had similar values, interests, and passions with. I think that if you want to build a relationship with someone that feels safe, it starts at a basic level. If you go into a relationship hoping to find someone to vent your frustrations to, I think you do a disservice to the both of you. This is just my perspective, but I found it really helpful to read about real experiences, to explore educational material about the history of sexuality, traditions, etc and it helped me find a place to put that energy, without depending on anyone else and without risking being vulnerable and honest with someone who was not in a position to hear me. It gave me a healthy way to acknowledge the feelings without ending up in a spiral of frustration. A goal, to learn more and have more knowledge! I think it made me a more interesting person, and ultimately some of the knowledge I gained (the tamer stuff) I used in conversations and relationship building and it helped me develop those friendships, ultimately.
Thats a good way to put it! Ive been doing a lot of reading on those topics for years. I just feel very… alone in trying to figure out my own level of comfort and desire to know someone well and be open with them. Though I know its a long hard road to find that I just… I don’t know feels like I never will
This is a very, very sensitive topic and subject for people. It sounds like, to me and tell me if I am wrong, that it dominates a lot of your thoughts and the frustration is a big part of your life?
I hope that you find somewhere to safely express and explore your feelings outside of a relationship, because I know for me, until I did that it was not happy and safe with my partners because I didn’t understand my own feelings, let alone how to manage another’s.
Hope that helps!
It does help some! I’m not really sure where to go to find people who I can talk to about all this but its nice to know if I’m not the only person who has had to deal with it.
Hey I just wanted to add that it is difficult to find or help you navigate it yourself. I don’t fully know your circumstances and the people and friends in your life. Just be safe in judging if they share the same values. Women as well as men can try and persuade your morals and ethics. I agree with what EchoeWings was saying. This forum will also be here if you want to talk about the people in your life and discerning if their intentions are good.
I’m trying to remember that though its hard to. Just wish I could sit down and talk with someone about it and get to know them and them me