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I don't really want to die; I just desperately want things to change

I am really struggling, as of lately. I am feeling suicidal on a regular basis. I feel like I can never live past things I have said and done. I also cannot get out of my head what has been done to me. I talk to a counselor, but still feel this way; have also tried multiples antidepressants, and at one time was highly active. I have chronic pain, from a car wreck four years ago, and have had three back surgeries, and my left ankle is fused. Both injuries bother me daily, but thankfully not constantly though sometimes it feels that way. The last surgery I had was because of my hardware breaking because of straining my back. I only used 20 lb free weights and body weight exercises then. Things could be different now since the hardware has been taken out, but I have nearly doubled in body weight (170lbs to now 300lbs, 6ft) from the past year of being severely depressed, so to say I feel very discouraged is an understatement. Things seemed to be better when I was more active for several different reasons… I smoke weed and take kratom to help with pain, which it does, but leaves me not being able to think clearly and I feel so stupid, and so far from who I should be. I used to use hard drugs and I went to rehab (a year ago), so there’s progress, but where I really want to be feels unattainable right now. I know I do not want to keep living this way. There must be more to life than this. I am tired of just getting by. The only things that make me happy is music and my dog and watching scambaiting videos.

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Hey, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through all this. Thank you for coming to us with your burdens. You are safe here. I don’t have all the answers, but I can relate to what you are going through. I have also seen multiple therapists and taken multiple medications. If I could offer you anything, I would say don’t be afraid to shop around for a therapist. And if you have a psychiatrist that you trust, make sure you are honest with how you are feeling. You deserve healing. I know the journey is exhausting but it is so worth it. You just need to hold on and trust that you won’t always feel this way. Continue to reach out here on HeartSupport if you need more help. We want to support you every step of the way. You are loved more than you know and I am glad that you have found this community.

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Thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot to me right now. I won’t give up. Take care!

First off, welcome to the community!

Second off, you may have learned a lot of this in rehab, so excuse me if I’m just echoing all that stuff.

You just completed Step 1 of the 12 Steps. You have admitted that you’re not well, the things you are doing are not helping you get well, and something needs to change. If you want things to change, I believe you have hope they can change. That hope is the first thing you need for change to begin.

None of us will get to where we want to be tomorrow or the next day. If you look at the whole journey, it will overwhelm you to the point of not wanting to start. You have to break it down day by day, Just For Today. Just for today, take a walk outside. It can be to the mailbox, down the street, around the block, whatever you can manage. Start with something small and positive. That’s it for today. Tomorrow you will see what the day brings.

Did you do any step work in rehab? Have you looked to see if there is a NA group near you? I just finished a non-specific 12-step program, and even though I didn’t invest fully enough to have my life “changed,” I picked up tools to recognize unhealthy thought patterns and how to disrupt them. At the very least, you’ll meet locals at NA who understand your past and present struggles. When you tell people about your struggles, you aren’t holding them anymore, and letting your secrets free is an enormous relief.

@fightingeveryday

I feel like I can never live past things I have said and done. I also cannot get out of my head what has been done to me.

It takes time - and sometimes a lot of time - to get past the things that had an impact on your life and are objectively hard to let go. It’s about forgiving yourself, it’s about grief, it’s about losses. And as much as it can be frustrating to feel like you’re held back in the same thoughts, memories and patterns over and over, being patient with yourself through this process is needed more than ever. You’ve been actively working on yourself, especially through counseling, rehab and just asking for help. That’s huge, friend.

Unfortunately the results we expect often takes more time to be felt or seen. But it doesn’t mean you are not progressing though. Now, as @Sarah stated, it could be interesting to look after a different counselor or to discuss with them about setting new objectives together. Just having a new direction, trying to do things differently, giving some feedback about your current experience of therapy. It’s also their job to work with you on that and see if some adjustments can be made together.

I hear that you were dicouraged when you posted, and I hope you can find some clarity through all of this to see what are your options here. It’s understandable to be who you want to be right now and not in X weeks or months. It really makes sense to feel overwhelmed by the things that are limiting you in your life right now. Honestly, I feel that in my life and especially this year. But growth is a slow process, and I have to remind myself sometimes that I can’t run before I can walk.

As you took some time to reflect on your situation and list all the things that are making you feel discouraged, then it might also be a good time to think about new strategies. But take it easy. Just one step after another. As you said there is progress (and what progress! hey, it’s truly awesome.). You are not the same person as you were a year, two years or five years ago. This kind of moment can be useful to give you a new direction, but stillto head towards healing.

Your progress has to be celebrated, just like your perseverance through the obstacles that happened in your life and are still affecting you. The things that feel unattainable right now will seem more reachable progressively. Keep reaching out, keep fighting, keep making healthy and right decisions for yourself. Maybe even a mentorship program could be interesting during this season of your life. In any case, know that we believe in you here and we’ll keep supporting you whenever you feel the need to. Hold fast. :hrtlegolove:

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