I’m in my final year of school. Next year, I’m going to be living at home with my parents for another year because my predicted grades were too low for me to even considerer applying to uni. All of my friends are going. I attend a grammar school, so academic success is something both valued and achieved consistently by other pupils, and I don’t mean this lightheartedly; two people in my English class of fifteen have offers for Oxford and I’m pretty sure that at least four of them applied to Oxbridge.
I’m the worst student in the school. I achieve consistent Ds and Es and the occasional U. I never hand in homework: it’s always too daunting and I’m always so so tired and there’s so much time in a day but I feel like I spend it all in this grey state of inertia. I’m one huge inconvenience. I stayed up all night on English coursework yesterday, the day before it was due, which was the most motivated I’ve been in months, and ended up skipping my catch-up French oral exam out of pure exhaustion. My teacher cornered me and he was so so angry and clearly tired and done with my poor conduct and I realised in that moment that I’m the worst person and genuinely inconvenient and I’m just not sure that I should still be doing this. I was glad that he was angry. All my teachers just give me extended deadlines and tired sympathetic smiles and this is the first time in a while that a teacher’s treated me the way I deserve to be treated.
I struggle a lot with anxiety and, a couple of weeks ago, I was too anxious to check my emails and so didn’t see an email the school sent me about counselling, telling me to reply within 24 hours if I wanted to stay on the list. School counselling was the last means through which I could talk through my issues with another human being and actually vent and receive advice and support. Now, I’m completely alone in this.
I cut off my friends who don’t live near me about a month ago. I miss them so much and it aches but I know that they deserve so much better than me: in particular, a girl who lives in America who is one of the sweetest and loveliest people I’ve ever met and she has such low self esteem and she’s so funny and I really miss her and I know that I don’t deserve our friendship back after abandoning her without warning. Another person I’ve mostly, in this case, cut off was my best friend for six years. She still attends the same school as me. I can’t stand her anymore. Being around her saps my self-confidence: she complains if I so much as breathe a word about my interests and drones on and on about her own (I have autistic friends with special interests and I love hearing them talk about theirs, but this person is absolutely not on the autistic spectrum and manages to have less spatial and conversational awareness than many who are through pure stubbornness and I know that I sound cruel but I’m frankly upset and tired and hurt and I’m not sure if I should keep living so I’m just. Saying all the awful things I’ve been thinking) and she always acts so superior and I know that I sound like a child but she used to mean so much to me and she was my first kiss and the girl I used to spend hours just listening to music and talking and laughing with and now I feel sick when I look at her. My current closest friend is a really cool person and I love her to bits but she is so stressed at the moment and I implied I was having suicidal thoughts the other day and she panicked so I backtracked and lied and said that I wasn’t and I know that if I share this with her it’ll make things worse. I can’t get psychological help because my mum would need to get involved in one way or another and last time that happened her stress made everything worse and she constantly guilt tripped me and I don’t know what to do I really don’t.
One of my friends is struggling with anorexia. I feel so sick with worry for her. She ages out of the mental health system soon and I know she’s been cheating on the weigh-ins with coins in her bra and unhealthy amounts of water and her friend who also has an eating disorder keeps telling her that by recovering she’s just becoming “another fat pig like the rest of them” and i want to hit him against a wall until he’s bleeding because she had a bmi of 13 and she had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair and he’s trying to drag her back there and it’s so sos ososo toxic but i live far away and there’s nothing i can do to help.
My future is this dull grey sticky treacle choking concept that is bad bad bad and I honestly. Have no skills. Will have failed my final a level exams in a few months. Am not going on to uni. Dont have any means to a well paying career and I really can’t burden my parents for more than a year. The town I live in is ugly and grey and the epitome of dead-end and my friends are going to be making new connections and finding new people to love all across the country. I’m just staying here. Stuckstuckstuck. If I’m going to live like this, I do think that dying is the best possible option. I don’t really believe in an afterlife, but even nothingness and a lack of being is better than this. Just sleeping forever. Everyone says I’m lazy and I know they’re right, so I should probably be my own worst critic here and just send myself into that eternal sleep.
Yeah. That’s all I really have to say. There’s a lot more going on and the depression and anxiety and ADHD are not helpful additions to my awful toxic thoughts, but I’m really too tired to type much more. If anyone reads this far, I’m so sorry for the ramble: I just needed to get this out somehow because i really have been keeping this all to myself. Here’s a picture of my goblin dog to lighten the mood:
