I’m stuck in an odd position…well, odd to me.
Backstory time…
In 2015 I lost my job, and in many ways my identity up to that point in my life.
I’m married and and have 3 amazing kids.
After I lost that job, I felt like I lost a huge piece of me.
I sank into a deep, deep depression.
I lost my self worth, my identity as a provider, father and who I saw myself as. I couldn’t find a job for a long time and when I did, I just couldn’t make it work. My depression fucked with me badly. The only way I knew how to deal with it was cutting myself off from loved ones, burst of anger and yelling and breaking things.
I never raised my hand against my children or my wife, but they did get full blasts of yelling and other verbal abuse that to this day i regret and wish i could mend the wounds caused by this time.
I wasnt myself.
I wasnt the person my wife fell in love with.
I was my worst self.
In the winter of 2017, i attempted to take my own life. I took my wife’s newly purchased pistol, loaded it and drove to a secluded park. This was it. I couldn’t take the loneliness that I had caused. I couldn’t take the anger my wife had towards me for my actions, and the lack of love towards me. And I completely understood her side of it and would react the same way if the shoe was on the other foot. But I couldn’t do it. I thought of my kids and how they would react not having their father with them through their formative years. I reached out to the suicide hotline and attempted to figure things out. I couldn’t, so I cut off communication with them. Eye opening mistake.
They called the authorities and they showed up to my home, fully ready to take down a suicide attempt via firearm. I told them I was fine. I have been having issues with the wife and my life and just needed help. They offered to take me to the local psychiatric hospital, but I told them no. I felt that would just add more layers to my shame and
It took me another year after that incident to even gather the strength to admit i needed help and i couldn’t get it unless i went to a therapist and my doctor to get on the right meds.
September of last year, I left home with my brother to go to truck driving school.
I did this for 2 reasons, one so I could make a better paid living for my wife and kids. Two, to help my brother get back into the world and workforce after being laid off for 3 years and dealing with medical issues.
I didnt realize how hard it would be being away from my wife and kids for long periods of time. It's killing me.
I'm on the road 27 days out of the month and only home for 3-4 days and then back on the road.
I hate it.
I cant fix my relationship with my wife being on the road. I cant make a better life for myself being stuck in a rolling box for nearly a month at a time.
Fast forward to this past Wednesday(07/17). I'm meeting with my therapist. My wife hates that I'm seeing someone for my issues. She doesn't understand why I need to take meds or talk to someone in order to feel better.
She's completely shut off from me. I see that and feel that. We dont sleep in the same room anymore, haven't for almost a year and a half. We haven't been close or intimate in nearly 3 years.
I've reached the point to where I need to know once and for all where she stand and where things are headed in her eyes.
I ask her, one last time(which at this poi t had become a monthly routine for the past 3 months). I ask her does she love me? Does she want to make things work? Does she want to make a better life with me or without me?
I get the usual answer of "it isnt that simple".
To me, it is. I love her, nothing will change that short of her just flat out telling me she doesn't love me anymore. I tell her this.
She doesn't want to open up again and be hurt like I hurt her.
She doesn't want to give in to the chance that I'll revert to being the asshole I was for 3 and a half years before i sought help and felt better about my self and began to notice a change in myself and perspective on my life.
She doesn't like that I'm gone all the time, but in the same breath she says she doesn't think things would be better if i were home.
She equated our relationship to that of the relationship I had with my father in high school and college. We weren't close. We fought all the time. Difference of opinion and typical father son headbutting on life. I didnt hate my father. I love my father. But I was always angry with him for how he treated me when I was younger. The yelling and hitting when I did even the littlest thing wrong.(I basically repeated this cycle sans the hitting when I was in my dark period).
This hit me like a ton of bricks. I understood what she meant all too well.
She still loves me, but isnt willing to be in love with me and be hurt again despite my assurances that wont happen.
I dont know how to prove her otherwise. She is a very stubborn person. It's one of the reasons why I love her. When she makes her mind up, nothing can change her mind. It's rare. She is her mother's daughter.
So now, I feel the darkness creeping up. Feeding on the self doubt and self hate.
I dont want to lose my kids...but in my head they are a package deal with my wife.
They go hand in hand.
I messaged my wife this morning. I told her that if she wasnt willing to work on things, to be able to allow me back in even if it is just a civil conversation and just time together. No sexual or intimate things...just being around each other. If she isnt willing or wanting to have a better relationship with me, then I'll take myself fully out of the situation.
She doesn't want a divorce, she's said so. But in the same conversation she has said she isnt going to be unhappy the rest of her life. She isnt going to settle for what we have at the moment.
It's confusing to me and I'm sure it is confusing to her as well.
I told her I would just leave her and the kids alone. That she can do whatever she wants with my things at the house. They have no meaning to me without them.
She told me she doesn't know what I mean. That my kids expect me to be in their lives.
I told her that without her, I have very little in my life. She's told me in the past that the kids are better off when I'm not home. That they dont really notice I'm gone(this really shocked me when she told me this).
The kids have their mother, grandparents, aunts and uncles who all live close by and help raise them. They also have family friends.
I'm an afterthought. I'm already replaced.
So, here I am. Sitting in the truck considering when and where to just end it.
How to do it. Would anyone really care? Have i burned enough bridges that only close family and friends show up to mourn me?
I dont have much in my life. I dont own anything. I dont have a college degree. I dont have a career that i can see myself doing for the long term. My wife hates me and my kids dont really care when I'm gone. Out of sight, out of mind. Their too little to really understand what their father is going through. They just saw the anger and their parents arguing when their mother called their father selfish and a coward when he told her he thought about killing himself that night.
So, once again, here I am. I dont see the end to my own story. At one point in my life I could tell you very clearly what my future held for me. Growing old with the woman I love, seeing my kids grown up, successful and with families of their own.
Now, I dont see anything. I see darkness. I seen nothingness. I see pain and then happiness. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to handle things. I reach out to family and friends but they are either busy or dont want to talk to me anymore about my issues with the wife and my depression.