I don't see value in going on

I’ve been thinking about suicide for a long time.

To quickly clarify, it’s never yet been to the extent of, “I need to commit suicide” or “I’m going to commit suicide”. When I start thinking about it during depressive episodes, it’s more along the lines of thinking how much better off the world would be without me. Sometimes I’m worried instead about how nothing would actually change if I left. I don’t feel that people would actually care, for better or worse.

My parents and my siblings are very supportive and loving people. But this sometimes just leaves me feeling that they’re bound to tell me they love me no matter how worthless I am. Some days, the only reason I don’t further consider ending it is because I’m scared of what it will do to them.

I’ve always been, or have always at least felt like, the friend that nobody likes. Everybody around me in the friend group, always reaching out to each other, trying to find fun things to do or just shooting the breeze. Whenever I start talking I feel like they’re just paying minimal attention so I don’t feel bad. I’ve tried. I’ve really, really tried to think of fun things that the others would enjoy doing, to make sure I’m not just trying to drag everyone into my hobbies. I’ve tried reaching out to other friend groups. I’ve been trying so hard, but nothing works. I just feel like I’ll never belong anywhere. I have so many best friends but I’m not the best friend of a single person. I never matter to anybody as much as they matter to me. I don’t even matter to myself anymore.

I don’t know if I’d want to go on if I weren’t worried about my immediate family.

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Thank you for sharing. It means so much for this community. I’m sorry you are not doing good. What you are saying is what many of us relate to. We think we don’t deserve to live. Others are better off without us. We done our best to reach out, but nothing happens. It puts us on the negative. The truth is that our lives matter. Your life matters. You sharing of what you are going through shows you care. You are not alone in this. Keep sharing. Start with one person. A family member or a friend. I encourage you to keep living. Keep fighting. Don’t go to the suicide route. It’s dark. No one shouldn’t go there. I hope you are hanging on. God bless you.

Hey there OB,
I’m so sorry you are feeling this way friend. I’ve got to admit that there were certain times in my life when I felt the same way. First things first, you have got to worry about yourself for starters. I know it may be hard during this period, but you have got to love yourself. I know it is very important to have friends, but don’t let them dictate your self worth. I know there are things about you that are amazing! I know we don’t know one another, but everybody in this world has something to offer, as do you.
Once you work on your own self worth, then work slowly to build up those friendships. I agree with what AVJR said, just take it slow. Maybe your just second guessing how your friends truly see you. I know I do that a lot, I feel as if maybe people don’t care about me as much as I care for them. Yet, if it truly is the case where they aren’t putting in the same effort for you, I’d say find new friends. I’m truly not trying to be mean or inconsiderate, but you need to surround yourself with people who truly make you feel happy. Sometimes I’ve had to burn bridges in the past, and it has worked out for the best.
I know for starters, you can find great and trustworthy friends through this community. I know it may not be the same as having a physical friend, but it will show you your true worth. I really hope this advice has helped some. As I tell everyone, you are always welcome to message me. Just please know you are important. Just by posting, you may have helped someone realize they are going through the same problem, and may even spark a relationship from this. Please Hold Fast my friend, and thanks for sharing your story. Just remember you have plenty of support from us, and myself.