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I don't think I can do this


#1

Hi all,

I don’t know what’s going on. I just started breaking down and crying this afternoon. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so broken, and I feel so lonely. I don’t mean to ask for attention from this community, but I honestly don’t know what to do. My heart is so fucking broken and I just feel so much guilt and shame from how I hurt this person dear to my life. I’m seeing now that things will never be the way they were before again, and I not only broke her life, but my own. I thought about cutting again, and it’s been a while since I’ve been tempted to cut. It’s not just this, I help out at my church and lately it’s just been so much to handle. I thought I would be able to do it, be a good example to the youth there, but I’m not. I can barely keep it together because they tend to forget the logistics for what they need to do, and it’s so hard for me to keep my patience with them. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve also been playing an excessive amount of video games (at first they were great at keeping my distracted and just be immersed in a good story), but now it’s just my way to escape from everything. It also empties my pockets, which I know is stupid, because I’m not even working right now, and I just buy games because it gives me something to look forward to, even though I don’t play them. I don’t know who to go to, and I feel so alone. I didn’t tell you guys yet, but a few weeks ago I ended up in the hospital because I tried to take my life. And now I feel like I’m back there again. I don’t know if I want to live or die. Oh yeah, I also fucking hate that I have to deal with the whole sexuality and religion thing. I’ve been a devout Christian my whole life, but also identify as bisexual, and it’s been killing me. It’s made me break up with my amazing girlfriend time and time again (the person I’ve hurt so much), because I didn’t know what to do and was wracked with guilt either way. Literally, I think it’s starting to devour me and I hate being in this place. I also tend to dress in more traditionally “guys clothing” and it really turns my family off. When I was in college, I would pack different clothes home than I would wear at school so my family would think I was normal or “getting over” this ‘tomboy phase’. But it’s just what I feel most comfortable in, and I still feel like I stick out so much. It kinda just sucks. I don’t mean to complain about life, I just feel lost and I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t even want to be here. Please help.

Alex


#2

Hey Alex.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone. Don’t worry about using the forums, I think that’s what they’re for!

We all make mistakes in life, sometimes pretty bad ones. I don’t know the situation or what happened with the person you’re talking about, but sometimes our mistakes make it so things will never be the same again. Honestly, all you can do is just try your best to heal and make amends to this person. If they shut you out or refuse to talk to you, or something else, give them time. Focus on healing yourself, recognize patterns of negative behavior, and really focus on understanding that keeping that guilt doesn’t help. It will take a while, but it is worth it. I recommend checking out articles like this one (click the text) on how to forgive yourself, it’s hard without some guidance. I hope that made sense.

Perhaps take a step away from responsibilities at church if you can, too. Take a mental health day, or week.

Your writings about struggling with faith and your sexuality really connect with me as I go through the same thing every day. Recently having come back into some sort of religious connection, it’s a battle I also go through every day. However, I like to think God doesn’t make mistakes, and he made us how we are.

Unfortunately, your family is a harder thing to deal with. A lot of times, they have good intentions, but it isn’t what is good for us. I’m sorry they’re giving you a hard time.

I hope things improve, keep us updated :slight_smile:

Edit: also, I want to recommend an album that helped me a lot with healing through mistakes I had made, especially hurting people - https://genius.com/albums/Stick-to-your-guns/True-view