Back to heartsupport

I dont think I got this!

Ive relapsed from last night to drugs… and I went into a NA support meeting tonight.

And my mom just brushed me off telling me Im lying to them about an addiction I dont have when I do… Ive been using and drinking alcohol on and off since January!!! Ive been in Relapse Mode!!! I ended up taking 51 Opioids just 6 days ago yet I just cant explain my drug addiction problem or my alcoholism to them because they think Im " Faking it" So Im all on my own here and the only ones who really believe me are my sponsors and the one I talk to…

I just dont know if I can put up w them much longer… I have nowhere else to go cause Im on Social Security and Im in film school… I got so mad at my mom tonight I slammed my door and she… she just wont understand if I told her and even if I did shed drop me off at the psych and I cant go there!!! I just cant…

Im in constant Relapse Mode and I got so angry at her tonight I just wanted to go for more of the drugs and down them… but if I do that then I… yeah… I may never come back… alive… I just suffered from the trauma of downing 51 pills and then just last night more… but I hydrated myself through drinking water… but they just wont believe in me and they also dont understand me…

I just dont know anymore and Im already so sick right now from all those that Ive downed… IDK anymore… its so hard… they dont understand only my NA homegroup does they truly love and care about me so do my sponsors

5 Likes

It sounds like you need to spend more time talking to your sponsors. You can also dial 211, which will get you to a crisis counselor.

Something is triggering your relapses. Relapses can trigger more relapses.

I used to work at a psych hospital. Most of the patients got better. Some relapsed, but would get better again. Have you ever been to a psych hospital? There’s a good chance that if you let your mom drop you off there, she would no longer think that you were “faking it.”

If you can get clean and remain stable with outpatient therapy, that’s cool. If not, consider that there are far worse things that can happen to you than an inpatient stay.

1 Like

sighs yes Ive been in and out of institutions since I was a teenager… and thats no place for me… cause I have film school… but I do my very best but they just dont believe me!!

2 Likes

So you know the drill. What else might break this relapsed pattern?

1 Like

well theres just music… and just calling up the contacts I have from my NA meetings But really… my fam doesnt understand that I have this addiction and alcoholism…

2 Likes

That sucks that they won’t listen to you. It’s the total opposite of the normal situation–you see a problem and you think you need help, but they’re in denial. My brother battled with drugs for a few years, I had to live with watching that, and it was really hard. It makes my blood boil that your family won’t take your addictions seriously, knowing that back then all we wanted to do was help my brother but he wouldn’t allow it.

If you’re in NA, hopefully you see that you’ve completed Step 1–you recognize that you have a problem that you are powerless to handle on your own. That’s a really big step! Recognizing your powerlessness may be bigger than actually staying sober. From there, I’d say your home is a toxic environment that enables and, to a degree, even encourages your substance abuse. Can you get out and live somewhere new? There are sober living facilities that will give you a place to lay your head for the price of cheap rent.

2 Likes

I wish I could move somewhere cheap and affordable… and somewhere sober living… but my mom says to me Im not ready for the outside world yet as in moving somewhere on my own

3 Likes

What do you say? You’re in film school, so I’m assuming you’re a legal adult. Your mom may not think you’re ready, but if you’re not sure she’s right there’s only one way to find out. Moreover, while I don’t know your situation, on the surface that statement seems extremely manipulative and oppressive. You may never be ready to move out on your own if you let your mom decide when you’re ready.

Sober living facilities are usually group homes. You would have the support of sober peers who are invested in your success. If you aren’t sure about day-to-day housekeeping stuff but are willing to learn, they’ll teach you so that you can be a productive member of the house.

Look up sober living houses and sober living facilities online. I know of a sober housing group called Oxford House. They’re rented houses in normal neighborhoods, and everyone in the house works together to make house rules, but those are usually for people who have been sober for awhile. There’s a sober facility local to me called Solutions of North Texas. That caters more to people just starting their sobriety journey. It’s a housing community run by drug counselors who enforce the rules. You’re required to get a job, pay for rent and shared household stuff, and help out around the house, but I think the counselors help guide you through the real world stuff, hook you up with health resources, and hold meetings regularly. If you haven’t lived on your own before, something like that may be more up your alley. Neither one of those places is a detox or rehab clinic, so they have zero tolerance for relapses. If you’re ready to be sober though, it’s really empowering to live on your own.

2 Likes

I have a disability thats why she doesnt think Im ready

2 Likes

I am doing all I can to hang in there… the withdrawals have become strong and so with that comes the relapses… I hope to hang in there strong and to just not relapse anymore

3 Likes

You got this, friend. Please don’t hesitate to call a supportive peer if needed. You’ll make it through the withdrawals. You proved to yourself in the past that you can do it, and you have the strength to get back on your feet once again today. Keep pushing through, one hour at a time. Each minute clean is a minute of victory and renewed strength. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

yeah… thanks. i feel relapses coming on everyday but i hate that i think about it

3 Likes

Yeah… I relapse to the stuff but I just dont know how to tell my mom about me using Opioids… I dont know how to come out to her about it…

4 Likes

It’s okay to listen to what she says, but it’s far more important to consider your own feelings and perception of readiness. She may not want to let you go because she worries about you less while you remain in her home. With you gone, her life will change, and she may not be ready for that either.

It appears that as long as you are there, it will be very difficult to get the support that you need. I am concerned that her saying that you are not ready, is undermining your confidence.

As SheetMetalHead has indicated, it’s very likely that you have some workable options available to you. I also think you need the support of a professional who is qualified to evaluate your readiness to be in a more independent situation.

It occurs to me, that there is a very good chance that although she is against you are leaving, if you do so, and demonstrate the ability to manage your life, she will be proud. She might even acknowledge herself as having contributed to your independence and success.

That you are not comfortable talking to your mom about the opioids, means that you are living with an ongoing communication barrier, which quite possibly exacerbates the kind of tension anxiety that makes it more difficult to avoid the drugs.

I’m very glad that you’re here. You had the courage to reach out, and have received some good support.

I’m pretty sure that through this group interaction, others are feeling hope for you and themselves.

1 Like

Hi @Anonymous2020

On Saturday May 1st, the HeartSupport team deployed to a Taco festival in Houston Texas.

We posted a shortened version of your topic to the Support Wall at the festival, and asked festival goers to respond to your post by writing on a tile. Each picture below is of 1 tile, and is from someone who cared enough to stop and speak encouragement to you.

Here are their replies to your post. We hope that the words and support from these Houstonians help encourage and support you.

3 Likes