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I don't think I'm going to make it(TW)

I predict that I am going to die by the age of 18. I don’t think I’m gonna get far with just the way I am. I started doing things in my way too late. I suffered long hard years worth of pain, the kind that kept me frozen in time because my stupid actions. Now its too late to do anything. It’s too late to catch up. I know I am going to fail highschool. I know I won’t able to hold a job. And I know I’ll be a good for nothing human for the next 50 years of my life.

I am safe currently but I feel like one day in the future I might do something. If I can just have that final thing push me to the point of no return. I just feel really bad right now. I wasn’t built to live in this world, I don’t deserve this. I don’t think there is anything good waiting for me around the corner. One thing I wanted the most was someone to love me in the way I wanted to be loved. But even then, I think if I had gotten that now, I would still want to kill myself. I know I would lose them eventually because I’m messed up and no one really wants to deal with me or my emotions. No one wants to fight for me. No one wants to stay with me. No one genuinely cares about me. Nobody

I’m still going to go about my life. Strength building workouts and things that make me feel okay. Did a drawing of a character I’ve been hyperfixated on. I was really happy when I finished the sketch. I plan drawing them more because they make me happy. Probably the last joy I’m ever gonna get out of this life. I don’t think I have anything else to live for at the moment. My family is broken, my dad looks sickly and like he could drop dead at anytime. I don’t have anyone to understand or comfort me. I’m tired

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Amaris thank you for your post, I am really sorry after your post just a few days ago that now things have taken a turn for the worst and that now you are feeling so down. Did something specific happen since your last post that has upset you so much? if so would you like to talk about that? I used to think and hope that I would not reach the age of 30, it was a good number to never reach as far as I was concerned, I didnt bring anything to the world so it didnt matter and life seemed miserable but life is full of good and bad times, I guess we have to experience the bad to appriciate the good and you do have to appriciate the good times Amaris, like you did the other day when you bought that doll and decided to cut its hair and make clothes for it, you were so excited by that and by getting into your art again, the way you spoke with such passion was wonderful, you embraced the good times and that is what life is all about. People do care about you Amaris and people are here for you, lots of people here both care and are here for you and I would like you to remember that when you are finding things a struggle or feeling lonely. We care and we think you are very important and special. I look forward to maybe seeing some of your art at some point if thats possible. Stay strong and remember to embrace the good times and share the bad times with us so they dont seem so bad. Much Love Lisa x

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello again, Amaris! I care about you and I’m happy to be hearing from you again.

What happened to your positive outlook from last week? I was so excited to read about the doll you found at Goodwill and your renewed passion in your art. I was really hoping that positivity would carry you for awhile and I’m so sorry that something has happened to make those good things feel less powerful in your life. I’m glad you are still carrying on with the art and wanting to continue it. Did you make the clothes for your doll? I think you can have a good future ahead of you as long as you don’t give up and take life as it comes. I’m glad you are still trying to improve and work on the things that make you feel better. I hope that the positive feelings from last week come back to you and make you feel good about the possibilities the new year can bring again.
Hang in there, friend! You’ve got this :hrtlegolove:

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From: twixremix

hey amaris, i’m so sorry that you have suffered through all of this pain and fear for the future. i appreciate you being so honest and open about what you’re feeling here on this forum so i can also be honest with you: i felt the exact same as you at your age. i didn’t think i would make it past 18 with everything i was going through mentally and medically. so many regrets, no hope for a future, feeling alone, everything you explain here is like reading a post from my past self. so i hope in sharing that, that you will trust me when i say that things can get better. it’s not too late to turn life around, for you to find your people, to love and be loved equally, to experience so many things life offers you. travelling to new places, meeting great people, breathing in nature and all its beauty, being able to delve deeper into your interests and hobbies like how you sketched your current fav character… so many things are yet to come for you and i hope with everything i got that you’ll stick around long enough to be able to look back on this moment and say “i’m glad i could experience the highs and even lows of life.” the main thing you need to focus on is having hope for this future, spreading your talent and love to others so they can share in your joy and build a community, and loving every part of yourself. you will make it far, and it might be hard along the way, but i believe in YOU. please feel free to tag me (@twixremix) if you have any questions or need encouragement from someone who has been in your shoes. here for you always, my friend. love, twix

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hey @Amaris I’m sorry you are having such a hard day. My day hasn’t been that great either and it’s tough to sit here and read your post because I don’t want you to suffer. I know what it’s like and it hurts my heart to see you going thru similar things. When I start using words like “nobody” “everyone” “never” “always” I have to take a step back. The emotions of being alone are very strong, I feel them all the time too. Remember tho that there are people who care about you and try to support you. Everyone here who replies to your posts love and care about you. You come to use for support because you know that we care and I love that. I think you and are a lot a like. I have countless entries in my journals thru out my life that say I don’t think I will live much longer. I’m still here and I hope you decide to stick around too. ~Mystrose

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From: listening2day

Well on the practical side; there are options if one does not graduate high school. GED is a test that is same as high school diploma. And you can use that to qualify for other education, training, college. Look into it. I have known people to go onto advanced degrees off of a GED. So, maybe?
Next, life is unfolding all the time. Look, I do not know if I will get anything I wish to achieve. Nor has life so far turned out in any way like I imagined it would years ago! So thinking a way it will be likely will not be how it turns out. I have been SO surprised for some of life’s outcomes. I know for sure: it was not what I expected or thought it would be. So at this point, and it is difficult, I try not to color it in one direction or the other. Yes, I do think of various aspects both minute and longer term that I might work towards. And to be honest, that is something that keeps me going.
Think of some small things, very small things. And sometimes, give time for your mind to calm for a bit and then it helps with perspective on how to work through things.
Give a bit of time for things to unfold and life to reveal more. It happens.

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it’s tough when there isn’t the support you need and want at home. It’s hard when you feel everyone around you don’t see you for you, or love you the way you want.

One of the most heartbreaking but insightful things I was told/heard when I was younger, around your age actually, was:
“just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have”
It was heartbreaking to realize the truth of this, and to realize that neither person is wrong either. Sometimes those around us can love us completely but it may not be what we need then, or at that moment.

That’s when I realized the vast ocean between what I wanted vs what someone else can give to me, and that I needed to be able to provide some measure of that love I was seeking to myself, by myself.

What I learnt to do was think of what I wished someone else could be, (kind, nice, understanding) and be that to myself, make my own internal voice begin to say those things more, instead of putting that on an external person whose arrival date was unknown to me.

There’s so much to this vast world - places to see, things to do, foods to eat, smells to smell, and equally as amazing is the internal world - things to feel, things to think, things to be.

It’s rarely ever really “too late”. Past mistakes help us grow, teach us hard lessons, but don’t define us.
Past pain and hurt shape us but don’t lock us into an unchangeable box. If we feel so stuck, then we need to change up things - our habits, our ways of thinking, our meds, our therapies and interventions, our physical space.

the world is vast. For anyone to say that amongst a billion people, no one will care? There are 6 people here who have demonstrated that we all care deeply about you and like having you here with us.

6 of us so far have shared a moment of time and space with you in this thread, because we see your value and worth, your talents and potential and we’re all hoping that we can get to know you more, see your art and that doll that a lot of us are still super curious about!

Keep strong, friend. And we’re here to help you through this storm.

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I read some of these mutiple times. I like hearing that people care. And yeah something did trigger me, I was already a little stressed after starting school again after new years. I have a lot going on and its happening fast. It’s crazy, its like i can’t catch a break honestly

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I know that when I let myself get stressed, hungry and overly tired those suicidal thoughts get strong and my patience is very thin causing other problems as well. Self care is very important when it comes to your mental health (you already know that). It’s important to try and keep a self care routine (Yes, I know I need to practice what I preach.) so you can keep rested and your body nourished.

You’re physical health is just as important as your mental health :hrtlegolove:

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Amaris,

I’m sorry you feel this pain. I feel the same way. I went out to shoot myself when I was16 in the woods, I’m 42 now. The gun went off and went through my leg after I had taken it out of my mouth. It hit no arteries or major vessels. My car of course wouldn’t start so I had to hike several miles to find a random house of people I had never and will never meet called an ambulance and got taken to a hospital where a few hours later and 2 band-aids I walked out.

I’m not going to give you any placating sentiments or platitudes that it all gets better because that has not been my experience. just know that I’m sorry life really seems to suck for you and a lot of people. To this day I spend hours a day wanting to have the courage to pull the trigger again or just wish it worked the first time.

I’ve tried to make all the right choices all my life and still fail at everything I try. I got a college degree and what should be a descent paying job but bad things just keep happening and I keep ending up fiurther behind from just crappy luck and “life”.

I’m sorry that I’ve made this post all about me but I guess that is one of the major problems with depression we become so focused on ourselves and fixing our brokenness that we don’t even have the energy to hear others.

I’m sorry you hurt!

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@Cookchj
I’m sorry it’s been hard for you too, friend.

We would love to be able to continue to support you here, if you need. Hope that you have someone you can talk about these feelings? If you ever want to share the burden, please do so that you know this is a safe space for you to open up.

Hey, I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry that you’ve been through a lot friend. I wish giving hugs were possible through the internet because you really deserve one. We all love and care about you. And we’re glad you’re still here

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How can people support people through a chat? Once we log off those people are gone, and my experience is that prayers don’t come true. I certainly don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m married but my wife and I haven’t even been in the same room for years. I’m not sure how many more “life” events I can take. So far this year I’ve had the worst week at work in ages, the engine on my car went belly up, and now I have COVID. This life doesn’t have anything to offer that is worth the pain we experience every day. There are some people that God just doesn’t care about. “God loved Jacob but hated Esau”.

I’m sorry I’m such a downer! I just don’t find this life worth the heartache. I’ve lost all hope.

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That is what this site is all about, supporting each other. Have you read thru the different topics? The amount of love and support I’ve received here has been very impactful on my life. We would love to give that to you as well.

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hmm

what about if your prayers for someone to talk to is really us here

And I disagree, for me, the words spoken here are written with genuine caring and love, and I know the poster usually think of the people they reply too during the day.
For me, I know that they still care, even after I log off and go to bed.

I’m sorry that things are like that with your wife. That must be rough on you. We can talk about anything you want, just make a post and we can chat on it there.

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Thank you! I actually believe you. Sorry I’m just very cynical.

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