I just don’t know why he doesn’t understand. Understand that I was sorry for giving him mixed feelings when that wasn’t my intentions that all I was trying to do is tell him how I felt and I thought that he would understand me. Yes I have issues from my past and yes there are triggers and yes I try not to let that happen. But he doesn’t understand. I gave him an example of someone going to war and asking them to never have PTSD, which is impossible. I apologized if I made him feel this way. Why didn’t he give me my time to be vulnerable and just tell him yes as he wanted me to do with him. I always let him come to me when he’s ready. How was I supposed to know that he wanted me at the conference as a couple? When he was telling me something else and I didn’t understand his “code”… it’s okay for him to be able to do this but I can’t. He knew I didn’t understand and yet he didn’t open up to me to tell me and here we are not even able to look at each other. We are trying to be friends but I think deep inside both of us we want to be with each other and pretend this never happened. We are mad and we don’t think we can fix it. Is this a test? A test to see if we can get through this so that if anything in the future happens we are able to work it out and talk things over properly. Or is this a test to the both of us that it was never going to work out? Is it me? Did he realize that he wasn’t ready to settle that this is something real? So he settle to be with someone else that is further away? What is it??? I dont understand?
I think communication is the number one challenge in sustaining a relationship. Couples end up misunderstanding each other, even after years of being together. Couples succeed when both are committed to patiently working through misunderstandings.
It’s not your fault that he was not straightforward in expressing what he wanted from you.
Effective communication involves compassion, gentle assertiveness, courage and honesty. It sounds like he has little to no practice in that kind of communication. When it comes to effective communication, I think we’re all a work in progress.
It might be helpful for you to explain your need for him to express himself with clarity, rather than silently expect you to anticipate his thoughts. It’s a good idea to discuss and agree on a plan of how to work through misunderstandings. In other words, talk about how you plan to talk to each other when dealing with issues of contention.
Pretending it never happened ensures that it will happen again. It’s best not to attempt “fixing” problems while you are angry. You might as well use it as a test and a learning experience.
He might not be ready to embrace a mature and committed relationship. Some guys never are. On the other hand, this “test” could help him grow in wisdom.
Thank you for your advice and insight on this situation. I have been speaking with him through text since he isn’t here at work with me and he was finally able to tell me to ask him anything I wanted. So I made sure that was an opportunity to ask him anything and it was. He told me to be prepared for the truth and I told him that I rather know the truth than to keep hurt and always wonder.
I think what it came down to was that he wished I went with him to the conference and I didn’t. He said when he was there he got clarity and was able to let go of all the stress and misleading and confusion that was going on with him and was able to focus and finally talk to someone and have the confidence to do so.
I told him that I was happy that he was able to do that. That when you are with a bad cloud (employees from work) all the time you become that and being with those people that aren’t that makes you feel that way and makes you want to achieve things you thought you never could do. I told him I never really thought this way or acted this way outside of work and when I’m here, when I started back here again I got sucked in soooo bad. And this is probably why it didn’t work out between us. Because if this happened outside of work and we were both in our happy place it would have worked out.
I need to get out of here and be happy again. He just told me he was leaving his current job where I am at and relocating to another store he’s about to get his own place and make moves. I feel like he’s throwing this in my face to make me feel jealous, if that’s his intentions or not I don’t know. I’m glad for him for sure but I am also jealous that here I am still figuring it out and I should be and have what I’ve been always wanting and needing. And I am not. It’s frustrating and I’m angry again.
We were finally able to speak what was on our minds and you are right! He is not ready to embrace in a mature and committed relationship. I think it had to take for the both of us to really be mad at each other to get things out in the open. I know it probably wasn’t the best thing to do to have a conversation/argument and say things in the heat of the moment. But even then he wasn’t straight forward with what he was trying to say.
It all came down to trust and insecurities. He kept throwing things in my face to make me feel like shit and I shouldn’t have done the same thing but I’m tired of people doing this to me. One of the other reasons I’m in my depressive state. He knew I was in this state of mind and still did it to me on purpose.
Without wanting to I become someone that I am not when I go into work because of all the negativity surrounding me. When I’m outside of work I’m a totally different person. I am able to see myself and be me. So when I met up with him for the first time he saw the real me I was having fun and letting loose. For him to then tell me that he was afraid of me that he thought I was drinking before I came to see him and that he was glad we met in person to see my true colors that he didn’t like. But in reality all he saw was the person I am when I’m down not the person I truly am. He kept telling me that he was glad nothing happened between us.
I think this needed to happen in order for me to get closure and actual answers.
It sounds like you’ve come to a clear perspective, even if the circumstances are not what you’d hoped for. I doubt that he’s ever seen the “real you,” and he wouldn’t as long as he’s seeing flaws in you that are actually a projection of his own issues. In a way, he was seeing who he was while believing it was who you are.
It sucks to be around people that bring you down, and that sounds like your work situation. A lot of jobs have that kind of problem to deal with. I think you’ll tolerate your work situation better if he’s not around to bring you down further.
We see others, filtered by our own frame of reference and subjectivity. Actually, that’s not all bad, as long as we are aware of it. The flip side of “it takes one to know one,” is that you can discover a lot of good things about yourself, simply by looking for things to admire in others. You can’t see the positive in others unless those same attributes exist, at least as potential within yourself.