From puggsley34711: I just had therapy today and I talked about how I’ve been having a mental breakdown almost everyday/night. At one point she asked if I have relapsed (SH) at all or had any suicidal thoughts (which I have never confessed to but have always had) but I lied and said no. She wants to put me on mood stabilizers now. I just don’t understand what I did to have to start going downhill again, what else can I gain from going through this all again? I hate being reminded of my past enough already, why do I have to go through everything again? Why do I have to be a burden? Why am I here? Why should I not end it?
I’m glad you’re in therapy, that’s awesome. It’s really hard to tell the therapist everything because it feels like a secret you shouldn’t tell. It’s embarrassing and sometimes there is the fear of being sent to the mental ward if you tell someone. The thing is tho, is that if you don’t tell your therapist the truth and everything you are feeling, they aren’t going to know that you need help. They can teach you how to cope with those feelings and help you out of those feelings of ending it all. It seems like you’re having a really hard time right now with having a breakdown almost everyday/night and I feel like telling your therapist what is really going on will only help you. They can’t help you with the right treatment if they don’t know every you’re going thru. You don’t have to suffer like this, you matter and your life has value.
Hi friend thank you for sharing and posting here.
I am sorry to hear about you having suicidal thoughts and about SH. I know it can be embarrassing to admit you are having these thoughts and the regular mental breakdowns you are going through at the moment. I once felt the same way about suicidal thoughts, but being open and honest with my therapist about everything including the good, bad, and most ugly thoughts has helped make the work I do with her more helpful and allow her to better assist me. I would strongly encourage you do the same as being open and honest about everything can also help your coordination of care as well between how your therapy and medication management are handled. This is especially prudent if you have any concerns about your medication side effects or interactions.
Remember you matter and the past does not define you. We all deal with lurking ghosts that come and go differently, but you do matter!
Hi Friend, Thank you for posting here, I am sorry that you are struggling at the moment, it can be so hard dealing with ongoing depression/anxiety or the likes, it is never a straight road and will always have bumps of all different sizes to contend with and this time you need a little more help via a bit more medication, however before you take that medication it is vital you let your therapist know that you have indeed had thoughts of sh and suicide as it may affect the side effects of the meds and if you have not told the truth you dont know what those side effects might be.
mental health problems are so complex it is so hard to understand why we have them, how come some people dont, some have them far worse than others but the good news is you are being helped and you are taking everything a day at a time, I am proud of you for getting help and you now have this community to lean on too. I know its hard but you deserve to be happy and live a full life even with the bumps in the road. Lisa x
From puggsley34711: Thank you for all the messages of advice. How am I supposed to tell my therapist about everything when I can’t trust her. What if I get sent to a mental hospital? What if my family finds out? They reacted terribly to my SH and that was because my counselor told them about it. I never want to go through something like that again. I’m nearing 7 months of being clean, if I told people about it, if I let it be on my mind more, knowing myself I would be ten times more likely to do it. There’s also this person who I’ve been getting closer with to the point that she’s practically my best friend. I want to tell her about my past and all of this, but the same points still stand.
From themanekineko: Hey <@1167966931911966800> I can totally understand why you feel hesitant to trust if they have told your family about something you came to them in confidence about. I don’t believe they should be revealing that sort of information to people. Is this a new therapist you are taking to? Maybe if it is you can talk about how important trust is to you and about your experience, how you felt and how it affected your relationship with your family.
I know sometimes it feels easier to turn to a friend, someone we already have grown to trust, at times though, friends aren’t equipped to provide us with the support we deserve.
From puggsley34711: Yes, it is a new therapist I’m talking to. They’re required by law to tell if it has something to do with harm to yourself/ others. It doesn’t matter how much trust I have with them or if I tell her about my past experience if the law requires it. And I understand that friends aren’t equipped with the skills necessary, and I know I’d just be selfish if I told her. I know I’d just be a burden. I just want to tell her so she can understand, so that I don’t have to lie and tell her I’m okay and put on an act around her.
Hey Puggsley, may I ask you where you got this information about their legal requirement to tell if it has something to do with harm to yourself? I’m just asking because in most countries, this requirement is for people who are in a place of active suicidal thoughts and are objectively a danger to themselves (or others) at a given time. However having suicidal thoughts per se or struggling with self-harm does not meet this requirement - and that’s where a therapist is going to help identify the gravity of it.
Of course it may be completely different and less specific where you live, so that’s why I’m asking . As a social worker, I can tell you that professional secrecy between the professional and the “client” is fundamental, and breaking it requires to meet a level of urgency/to match very specific criteria. What they may be obliged to do, is to tell your parents if you are a minor indeed, but there is close to no risk to be sent to a mental hospital.
It makes completely sense to want to tell your therapist by the way! When the counselor told your parents before, did you have the opportunity to talk about what happened with your therapist? From a personal note, I would definitely encourage you to discuss the intricacies of these requirements with them directly - how it works, what it entails, how you’ve felt when your parents were told about your self-harm. It’s okay to openly communicate about those things and to ask all the questions you need. Their job is not only to listen to you and support you, but also to inform you appropriately regarding your rights and how your relationship could be functionally.
Side note, you would definitely not be a burden to tell her. Sharing what’s on your heart is something we all need to do at times, and it’s not selfish to ask for support. It’s part of being human, and you are more than allowed to receive the support you need. <3
From puggsley34711: I’m sorry I can’t give you any exact information, that’s just what she informed me of during our first meeting before I even decided to have her as my therapist. Those are all good ideas, thank you. I still have a fear, as irrational as it may be, behind talking about that stuff. Would it really not be selfish of me? With past friends who I’ve told them my past/struggles to, it mostly went well but I always believed that it was burdening them. They would always say otherwise, but they have confessed that it was quite emotionally draining at times for them. Because this is a new friend, I don’t want to do anything to mess up so I’m trying to take it as slow as I can, but that isn’t always possible with my thoughts whenever we see/are working with each other.
It’s understandable to feel like you are burdening others when you’re sharing what’s on your heart. It’s actually something that a lot of people feel because they are not used to ask for help, or they were never told before that it’s an okay thing to do. Personally, I usually feel the way you do when I reach out, because I don’t want to bother others or make them feel like they waste their time on me. Most of this stems from the fact that I have a hard time seeing any value in who I am, so as a result it’s difficult to even imagine that someone could actually care about me. Overall it makes me feel like walking on eggshells, and I certainly don’t want to do something wrong or overwhelm the people I love.
As you had this experience with your friends who told you that it was draining at times, it makes even more sense to fear that this could happen again. Although there is something really positive in what you’ve experienced because your friends (1) acknowledged when they couldn’t handle it, (2) they communicated it so there was enough trust between you to be genuine and authentic with each other, which is essential!
One thing is sure: you are never a burden for reaching out. But it can be challenging to find the right person and the right time to reach out. Some people are not emotionally equipped, and then there’s just life happening that makes us more or less available to listen or support someone. Which doesn’t mean the person doesn’t care of course - it’s just part of being human and navigating life.
If you fear that it would be the case again, I would definitely encourage you to openly share your fears but also ask your friend about it. It’s all about really communicating your intentions, expectations and how you feel on both ends, and make sure that you walk together. Communicate about your communication together, so you can identify a way to function that works for both. With some close friends, I for example used to ask them before initiating a conversation, if they would be available to talk about things that are difficult to me. I would basically foreword our conversation to make sure that they’re in the right mood and they feel available for it. Otherwise, we would schedule a time together if the calendar was an issue too!
If this friend and you have known each other for a short time, do you feel like there is trust established between you two to have more “serious”/deep conversations at this point? Just asking to understand more the context.
From puggsley34711: I do feel we can. I’ve tried making it my goal to be able to help people. To be able to be the person who everyone knows they can come to, whether that be for a hug, comfort, or just a good time! I told her all about my goal and at the end I made sure to “highlight” that I will always be there for her, about anything. Her response was very genuine, it was just a small smile and she said the same thing back to me. She’s already done small little things, like asking if I’m okay when she can, given me hugs she knew something was wrong but that I wouldn’t tell her about it, and all in all, just smiling whenever she can.
Aww, that is truly amazing! It sounds like both of you are connecting well together and that the relationship feels natural. Love that you can have that level of comfort in the way you communicate together - mutually caring and supportive. That’s really great.
From puggsley34711: Exactly! That’s why I really don’t want to mess it up. If I may, thank you for the support you’ve shown me, it has helped a lot. I’ll try to speak up, even if only a bit, in my next therapy session. I still don’t know what to do with my friend or when, but I have a feeling that I don’t need to worry about it as much as I am.
Sounds like a plan! Thank YOU for sharing these parts of your life here. I hope the meeting with your therapist will be a positive/reassuring experience. If you would like to come back and sharing here how it was, please feel free to do it!