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I don't wanna break you

I feel like this should be more of a journal post than a support post, because I’m not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this.

I don’t feel worthy of most friendships. I’m the friend who leaves. And for no reason. I allow people to get really close to me by sharing my story, listening to theirs, offering advice or love, then I just vanish out of their life.

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HI there @Xan - Thank you for posting! It is okay to drop a topic here without really knowing what your goal is. I think lots of us post without knowing what to ask for, and that is totally okay.

That sounds incredibly difficult. Keeping and maintaining friendships is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn to get good at because for me, it makes me feel vulnerable and having to trust someone is hard for me. The biggest piece of advice I wish someone would have given me at the time I was struggling is that it is okay for it to not be forever, that does not mean it can’t be good for you. Even great.

Relationships will absolutely come and go, and when they go more often than come, I felt like I couldn’t really invest in the person because they would just leave me. Come to find out, that meant of course they did not feel close to me and valuable, so they would end up moving on. Now, whenever I meet someone and I would like to be friends, I pour into them as much as I want to get back. If they move on, I feel like the impact in my life was worth it. Sometimes though, they stick around because we make each other better people.

I am really happy you are here, and I look forward to learning more about you and I hope today you are doing well :hrtlegolove:

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Hey Xan - I’m actually super interested in your post.

You say that you don’t feel worthy of most friendships and I hear you. Let’s get into that - why do you think you feel that way?

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I feel like its unfair to them if they get so attached and then I just confuse them by leaving them high and dry unexpectedly. Like out of nowhere. Friendship going great, then I poof.

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Could it be that you’re leaving them so they don’t leave you first? Do you love them as friends, or do you feel like they’re just people passing through your life.

I understand the impulse to run. I kinda suck at maintaining friendships. I feel like I’m a drag and I’m unworthy, and turning the charm up is really freaking exhausting. Luckily I have friends that don’t mind. We can go months without speaking, and pick right back up where we left off. They’ve told me that hanging out can be somber when I’m depressed, but they love me for who I am, not for my entertainment value.

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I hear ya. Where does the impulse to run come from?

I’ve taken a few days to think about it and still couldn’t find an answer.

I sometimes call myself a loner because I’m so independent that I can walk away at any time but I know it’s not the right term. I’ve always connected to the zach brown band song colder weather. I’m all over the place and I was born for leaving. Growing up my 2 favorite ideas for when I became a adult were to find unclaimed land and live wild off the land or travel from town to town exploring every inch and then moving on.

The worst part I keep thinking about is how sometimes I actually hurt my friends by leaving, either because of abandonment or something I say right before I bolt right out of their life, I leave just long enough for both of us to forget each other, then I rip open all that hurt again by waltzing in like nothing happened, like I don’t know I hurt them.

I do it with church, I do it with support groups, I do it with friends, all who had trusted me with stuff they felt they couldn’t tell anyone.

Hey Xan,

First I want to applaud you for taking the time to search yourself. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to delve into thoughts and feelings that might be painful.

It sounds like you’re choosing to be a loner (and you’re right I don’t think that’s the right term) - which is a big insight, because knowing that you are choosing this way gives you authority over the situation. And from what I can tell - it doesn’t look like this choice is necessarily a bad one. Wanting to be solitary and independent is a really great notion - nothing wrong there.

Now, maybe the issue isn’t when the relationships with your friends end, but where they begin. How do you define friendship? Do you think it lines up with how your friends define friendship? Let’s look at that first and go from there. I want to especially look at trust - extending it to others, and others trusting you. What do you think? What does it look like?

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