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I don't want to die


#1

Hey guys… it’s me again… I’m sorry for making another post on the support wall, but I’ve come to the point where I really don’t know what to do and I’m scared and I’m lost… and in some sense I feel that I’m alone. So here goes nothing…

About four months I made a post about getting some news from my doctor that I was scared about, and well I was too afraid to go to the doctors again to get more information, because well I don’t want to die… I’m too young, I still have a full life ahead of me right? Well I never went to the doctor to talk to them about this, well in the last four months things as far as my physical health have gotten worse.

I’ve always struggled with my self image, so I decided I wanted to start losing weight again and so I’ve stopped eating three meals again, and it’s turned into eating one really really small meal a day. Well I’ve replaced it with drinking water and getting “full” on water instead of eating, which sounds fine. Except the fact that when I went for a checkup, the doctor said I’m flushing my kidneys, and I’m drinking too much water. I’ve started drinking a gallon plus of water a day (which btw is pretty much drowning myself), but I mean like it won’t kill me right??

Fast forward a bit, I was recently sexually assaulted by someone, and well now I’m sitting here with a possibility of being pregnant, and I’m freaking scared! I’m terrified. I don’t want to have a baby yet! In some sense I’m really hoping I have pcos, just so it’s not me being pregnant! I can’t deal with all this right now… I’m over it… Add onto this me trying to work on my recovery, which by the way I continue to fail daily… Pills and self harm are my comfort… and I wish it wasn’t.

I’m sorry for being a burden to this community… and maybe it’s best if I isolate until I can figure this out and I can come back and be a better person. Just know I love all of you guys!

Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,
Monkeyy


#2

Hey friend! First of all, know that you are never, ever, a burden to us. We love you and value you dearly and don’t let the voices tell you otherwise. You are valued, loved, and respected here. I promise this.

As far as your medical concerns go, I can only offer love and prayers.
And as for your physical image, don’t ever let the world tell you that you are ugly because you don’t meet the crap X, Y, or Z standard. That is false. You’re beautiful and worthy to be loved regardless of how you feel. And girl, the solution is not found in starving yourself, it’s not. Despite how good it feels to be taking such radical steps, you’re only harming yourself and we all want you to stay around with us as long as possible.

You’re extremely brave to come to this place and be honest, that takes a lot of courage. I’m sorry I don’t have more answer for you, but know that you are loved by us and loved infinitely by God.

Sam


#3

I agree with Sam. You’re not a burden to us. We are here for you.
I am sorry that all these issues are happening to you.

I wish you’d eat though. To keep up your health.

The hardest thing is to find a replacement to comfort you when you’ve invested so much time in the things that you did. I understand this. I invested my comfort in food. So hard. I also use to be a burner. (It is still an addiction even though I haven’t done it in a long time.)

I hope better times come to you. (Please don’t go away or stay away especially if you’re going through harsh times. We accept you for you. Yet if you think it is the best for you then do it. If not then do what is best for you.)


#4

your situation is really cruddy. i know this sounds impossible but you need to eat. just a little bit at first and drink less water. stay hydrated but get full off of food instead. i’m so sorry that u got sexually assaulted… . especially if you are pregnant. you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. you’re not a burden. you’re beautiful. there’s no need to apologize for posting. we’re here to support you. if worse comes to worst, there is always the foster care system. it’s not healthy to isolate yourself. just please try to take care of yourself. you’re so worth it. praying for you


#5

as you said to me youre not a burden to anyone! im sorry to hear about your Circumstances in the past. but just know that you have a whole community behind you that support you and love you in your fight against your mental hurdles. You are such a sweet and kind person which so much value to those who come in contact with you and i hope you find that in yourself to motivate yourself. If you need anything at anytime you can come talk to me at any time because im genuinely always here to support you and love you for who you are!

Matt


#6

Hey Monkey

There is a lot to unpack here. The first step here is to of course reach out to a medical professional. Regarding your diet, regarding your physical health. Dont isolate. Isolation and self management of your health clearly isnt doing enough - but here is what chat and I said