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I don't want to live but i don't want to die

Its been plauging me for the last seven years- the urge to kill myself. It got better but now its gotten back to when i did try to kill myself. like the title says i want to die but i don’t want it to go wrong and survive with some problem like nerve damage or something. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up If i tell my parents they will think they are too good of parents for me to have depression. Ive never told anybody and i feel bad about it because i have a great life compared to some people and they don’t have any problems. I’m now gonna tell whoever is bored enough to bother reading this where it all staredI’m a freshman and I have had the urge to kill myself since second grade. In second grade I moved to a new school with my friend and everything was great. like two weeks into school he completely ignored me and treated me like crap and when he started to everyone else did too. I know they were kids but so was i. I had bruises constantly from them and the constant insults didn’t make me feel too great either. I never told anyone about any of this and any time i tried to defend myself or stop it in someway, it got worse. to this day i still have never actually defended myself. In fourth grade i snapped and tried to cut my wrists. I was weak(still am) and failed when my mom walked in and i hid the knife in my sleeve. I now realize that knife was very dull and wouldn’t have done anything but i was desperate to escape. I still never told anyone and went to school the next day like everything was normal. I probably would be dead if my life hadn’t gotten better. Almost everyone who treated me like crap left the school and the state for that matter. finally in sixth grade all but one of them was gone- the friend who had started it in second grade(well call him fred). I tried to avoid talking to him at the time and ended up talking to people and made friends with several people. the first friends i had had in what felt like forever. on a sidenote while i’m writing this i realize it sounds like a rant and sort of is i guess but its too much pressure trying to keep this back. i have to tell someone. anyways this point on to about eight grade was the time when i felt it the least( the urge to go to sleep and not wake up). One of the friends(well say sally) i made it turns out was also about to snap and had tried to kill herself 3 times if i remember correctly. she was telling all of this to me and fred. we comforted her and i dont even remember anything we said to comfort her but she calmed down and then i saw that fred had changed he wasn’t the person that treated me like crap anymore he actually was a good person so we eventually became friends again and still are. anyways fastforward into seventh grade. my class is now extremely small and my only friends left are them. thats like half the class btw. anyways sally and i start dating. she brings up her home life to me in private and says that she wouldn’t miss her dad if he died today. he died three days later of a stroke. she has never mentioned it but im pretty sure she remembers and regrets it. anyways i still havent told anyone that i want/ed to kill myself and occasionaly it will come back and i just break down in the middle of class. now this year(2020) for some reason it came back not quite as bad but sally unknowingly made it bearable. sally just broke up with me after almost two years. I almost started crying but i have had 7 years of practice controlling what emotions people see. on top of that the last guy that liked her when she told him she didn’t like him anymore actually did cry and she always said she felt kinda bad about it and so i said that was ok and to the best of my knowledge still doesn’t know how much it actually hurt. every waking moment i have to pretend like everythings ok when its not and i feel like ending it all. I dont know what to do. sorry to anyone who had to read all of that. threres so much more i want to say but i can’t. i feel like none of this tells how bad it actually is. i had to cut what i was gonna say short but eh

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Hey @idunno,

sorry to anyone who had to read all of that. threres so much more i want to say but i can’t.

It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize for sharing about what’s going on in your life. It’s about you, it’s about what you’re going through - it matters and you matter. I’m not sorry for reading your message. I actually feel grateful to you for trusting a bunch of random strangers with your heart. I truly respect what you shared here. Especially since what you shared might not be easy to tell. Thank you for doing so. :hrtlegolove:

Its been plauging me for the last seven years- the urge to kill myself. It got better but now its gotten back to when i did try to kill myself.

First off: thank you so much for being here. Seven years is such a long time… and I’m so sorry to hear about your attempt. Though I keep being grateful to you for being here despite all of this. Because it allows you to be here in this community, and for us to know you a little more.

I’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation from time to time. And just like you, it’s been quite intense these days. The reasons are not the same, obivously our stories are different. But I certainly felt deeply helpless and hopeless, especially because in the past I encountered people who happened to be both verbally and physically abusive. I felt a lot of shame because of it. Felt like trash for a long time and those feelings are things I keep carrying with me. And I can tell, losing someone - like through a breakup -, tends to bring me back to those feelings again. It’s been taking a lot of small steps to start see myself differently, and find again some hope and trust. In life, in myself, in others.

That’s what you’ve been doing here, friend. You just took one of those steps. I read that you didn’t share those parts of your story before… doing it now shows your strength. You are not weak. You are not wasting the time of anyone. Really, really not. This is your life and your voice. It always matters. And I’m really glad you are using it in this safe place right now. It’s okay if it’s a rant. It’s okay if it’s “just” to release the presure. We often underestimate the importance of doing that but there’s nothing wrong, really.

There was a moment in your life when you were treated in a wrong way, and it really makes sense to have those painful feelings triggered by your recent breakup. As you said, Sally was a kind of pillar of strength to you. She brought love, trust, and peace. Now you’re experiencing a loss, and it hurts. But I can assure you: you don’t have to pretend like it doesn’t. At least, if you don’t have safe people whom you trust enough with this, then know that this community is always a safe place to share about what’s going on and what’s on your heart.

I can’t imagine how much pain you are feeling right now. As you said, somehow words are not enough to really describe how it feels. This is about a unique relationship that you had with Sally, and your heart will need a lot of time - and compassion - to find some peace. I experienced different losses in my life, and I know in my core how deep it is to feel like a part of yourself has been ripped away. Your heart is grieving. It needs time. And even if I can’t give a perfect recipe or tell you when you’ll feel better, I can assure you that you don’t have to go through this alone. This community is here for you as well. And you just did the first step by reaching out.

It really makes sense to think more about ending your life because of what happened. But your life is not over, friend. Even if it feels hopeless right now. It actually shows the amount of love that you have in your heart. But it doesn’t say anything about your life or your worth. There is hope. You have a future. You are worthy of love and care. You matter. And what you’ve been through, what happened to you, doesn’t define you.

If i tell my parents they will think they are too good of parents for me to have depression.

May I ask you what makes you think that they might respond this? Did anything similar like this happened or are they used to ignore what you say to them? - It’s totally okay if you don’t want to respond. Just so you know, you share what you’re comfortable with.

Also, I’d like to encourage you to join the community on Discord. It’s a good place to hang out, discuss, share about anything. A place to love and be loved without any particular expectation. You can use the following invitation: https://discord.gg/heartsupport - It would be awesome to see you there. :hrtlegolove:

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First of all, thanks for that. It really made me feel better. and to answer your question: when it first started, I couldn’t hide my emotions like I can now. I know it was pretty obvious that they should have known at least that something was bothering me but they never said anything. I remember in like third grade or something I made up my own “song” about wishing I had friends and I sang it in the back room where nobody could hear me. It wasn’t a very good song but it made me feel a little better. well my mom walked in and I know she heard all of it but just looked at me and went on with whatever it was she was doing. Never bothered to find out why I was singing that. I know the friends I have now have complained about their parents getting too involved in their social life but my parents don’t bother to find out what’s happening in my life and its a whole lot worse than being too involved in it.

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